train of thought

I told me CBT therapist that I find it easier to doubt than believe what I know to be true about gym girl because a part of me still doesn't believe she could be attracted to me and my ugly parts. So I cling to doubt when it arrives.

I shared a moment where I chose myself by choosing the rodeo I wanted over the trip to Atlanta I was only gonna do out of obligation. 

She asked how my mom was doing. 

I got in my car and realized she may have asked that because of the whole codependency thing I have going.

I spent Friday night and Saturday with my friend in Dallas. We talk about me deciding to not go to Atlanta because I don't think I'm gonna enjoy it. It feels more like a chore than fun. And she said how that friend already has a bunch of stuff planned and how she has been trying to pin her to her plans to keep from over spending. And I was like 'see, no. That wasn't how that trip was supposed to go' And we talked about how she doesn't want to feel like she's mothering her friends.  And that clicked in me.

And we watched a romantic dramedy about the law of attraction and the main characters had a similar dynamic to me and Candice. The heroine had a boyfriend and even accepted his proposal, all the while feeling what she felt for the other guy. Only when she felt like she could stand on her own two feet did she end things with the fiance and go to the guy she actually wanted.

Then we talked intention, our view of life, etc.

Then I went home to go to my sister's dinner.

And that's when things started to shift.

During and after I felt like an outcast, like I didn't fit in, like a caretaker, like the only adult, like the only person with awareness, like I stood out.

I don't want to write about it. It's kind of upsetting. And then I keep telling myself that it shouldn't be upsetting because it was just a dinner and I'm overreacting. 

But then I also know that's my parts trying to keep me safe.

But I didn't feel any of that be as heavy as it feels now until after I saw Candice finally post a picture of her and her girlfriend.

Because then it felt like dots started connecting everywhere, like I was being rewired.

I started to see the connection between that relationship and my mom. And then I started analyzing my relationship with my mom. And then I started analyzing the one with my best friend. 

It all just felt like it happened at once and I was drowning in it.

And it was a really big realization that hit me hard and continually unfolded into the endless train of thought.

If this, than this. This feels like this. This reminds me of this. This is probably because of that. That makes sense because of this. 

And so on and so on.

I've been trying to titrate myself in and out of it but it's difficult to be in it.

I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm irritated. I'm disappointed. I'm afraid.

I feel like all the doubt I used to keep me safe was ripped away from me in one swoop.

And now I don't know where the ground is beneath me.

But my work friend did invite me to spend the weekend with her and that made me happy. I almost cried lol. 

And I also realized that my mom doesn't really help me emote or let me. She doesn't feel like that kind of safe space to me. All I've ever known her to do is pray for me or tell me what God sasy