this week's gonna be something

I have been really looking forward to the week of Valentine's Day.

I bought the cutest headband and earrings to wear to make myself feel good and love on myself to distract myself from gym girl and the fact that I am still single.

I need to get on the apps... Damn.

Anyways, I was excited because I had a plan to not feel shitty on Valentine's Day.

And now a gym-girl-girlfriend sized wrench has been thrown right on in there.

~

I just cannot believe that while I've been actively working to but space between us, she has been doing the opposite.

And now, this? What the actual fuck.

~

And cue the crying.

I am so fucking angry.

Because I've done everything in my power to fix things and make my situation as healthy as I can.

And this entire time I thought we were on the same page. But then the hair compliment, the hair flip flirting, the dancing in my face she just fucking did.

I'm not letting her off the hook anymore.

You wanna talk? Start by explaining yourself.

You know how hard it was to tell my truth and do what's best for me? To the person I trusted to hold and help with some of my biggest hurdles in life last year?

Only to have her ignore what I asked for and then have the audacity to be sad when I deny her what she's offering me?

~

I'm back to my original question: what the fuck do you want from me?

The first time, I felt just as guilty to my actions, if not more.

This time, I feel like you've put a target on my back and then left me to feel and deal with your actions as if you had no part in any of this.

I'm so fucking mad at you and I'm really trying to hold on to it as long as I can.

~

I feel nauseous and I haven't even eaten.

I feel exhausted behind my eyes.

~

I had EMDR today and it was excellent. 

I did cry happy tears and sad tears. I did tell her I was angry but also happy.

It was all the things. And she said I am doing well. And she pumped me up, gave me some guidance. It was good.

The best thing she told me: change can be challenging. The best part in these cases is when something is challenging, you know your making a change.

And she commended me for reinforcing my boundaries, allowing gym girl to be held accountable and let go of my guilt.

I told her it doesn't not suck, but it doesn't suck nearly as much. And I'm making friends, I've had fun, I've put myself first.

I'm doing it.

AND my work friend recommended I go and talk to the girl that works downstairs because her is a lesbian lol. She said she's probably gonna have insight that she doesn't because she is gay.

And I was like, bet.

I actually went down once and they were closed. 

I went down again and no one was in there but the door was unlocked lol.

I went in after therapy and there she was.

She gave me her number and we texted each other.

We'll see how things go. 

I told my therapist my plans and she was happy. I was like 'it won't change anything, but it'd be nice to talk to someone who may know what it's like'

Because this is my first time being emotionally intimate, and with a girl at that.

And I explained the connection I have with gym girl. Where is all started and how I told her I feel like she can see me. I didn't mention it but I also told gym girl I talk about her in therapy because I'm having a hard time trying to place her.

I explained how odd it was to watch her dynamic with her girlfriend. But I didn't mention that the first time they were in my class, gym girl literally worked outside just to be next to her. But she didn't treat me differently. The second time, she ignored me, just hung around class, and was weird about when and how she spoke to me. And this third time, it was just odd.

~

I'm finishing up my conversation with downstairs girl and lemme tell you something-- HELPFUL AS FUCK.

To be validated, understood, and backed up by a full day has both turned me on, made me sad, and made me happy lol.

She gets it AND she said that's pretty common for lesbians. And I'm like 'well shit'

She's really nice.

And I kiiiinda wanna masturbate a little bit.

Idk if it's her. I'm not attracted to her. Her kindness? Can't be. People are usually nice to me...

I dunno. Is it a celebratory turn on? Because I made it out and I'm doing the things?

~

She did give me a fresh perspective. Not new, but fresh.

Validating, honest. 

And she says I just gotta weed em out. And she pointed out the fact that I can set boundaries and said someone great will come along.

So I guess we'll see.