ran into her & hung out with mia

I did it!

I went to the gym social.

I had a good time, iced out gym girl. It was fantastic.

My friend ended up coming right after I came and she brought her husband. He was really nice, we had a good time. I haven't laughed that hard-- since last week because I went to the thing we work lol.

Okay-- but gym girl.

So I was really really nervous about seeing her today. I went to the gym, changed my clothes and I saw her car. I got there and parking is weird because they're doing work on the parking area-- whatever.

I go in, I change, I come out, and everything was fine. Dog Coach was there with the dog was like 'hey are you going to the social tonight.' But in the back of my mind I was like 'last time you asked me that, there was something else happening and I don't want any of that tonight.'

So, I got my workout started. I got on the bike and started breathing and pedaling. 

And, about 17 minutes in, I could hear her talking to gym girl up front. And my heart was racing and I was like 'I have to finish my bike ride and go outside to get out of here because the longer I'm on this bike there's more of a chance of her coming in here and seeing me and wanting to speak to me and be normal and everything is not normal.'

So I was hearing her talk, nerves just shot, riding my bike as fast as I can but also that didn't matter because I was really just trying to get like 23 minutes or so on the bike. It won't be a longer ride just because I pedal fast lol. So I was trying to get that done but also hearing her voice and I was like 'how fast can I get this done so I can get out of here and she doesn't see me.'

I finished my bike ride, she didn't see me and I was like 'bet, I did it. I accomplished the thing I set out to accomplish. Now I'm going to go outside and I get to avoid her and she won't even get to see me until the social tonight.'

So I go to the bathroom, I change out of my shirt into a sweatshirt because I knew it was going to be kind of cold tonight. And I come out, I get my phone, I drink some water then I head right outside to run away from her and go empty my head with a walk.

I'm walking through the gym, speaking to the coach who was doing class, and then I'm finally outside and I'm like 'finally a breath of fresh air get to just being think and not have to worry about all the things.'

I look up and gym girl's car is parked right in front of the gate I need to walk through to get out to the road...

And I'm like 'that's fine, it's just her car.'

But then I look up again I'm like 'oh no, I think her tail lights are on.' And I was like 'please don't let her be in that car.'

Then the car starts to move and I'm like 'ok, just drive off before I get up there' And I'm looking down at the ground the entire time so I don't have to face her.

And the car starts to back up a little bit. And the closer I get the slower it moves. And I'm like 'she must see me' So I finally look up and as soon as I look up I can see her window I rolled down now and she's sitting there and she's waiting. And I'm like 'you have got to be fucking kidding me.'

I look down at the ground again and she says hey and she gives me that surfer wave. But it's not cheery at all. It felt like an 'are we good?' No bitch, we are not. I give her a very regular stare and say hey as if she is nothing to me. 

And then I look down the ground again and I'm trying to look busy as I get through the gate so I can walk away from her. But she keeps talking. 'Are you coming to the social tonight ?' I very blandly yep. And she says 'okay I'll see you there' and I dryly reply okay as I'm looking at the ground.

My face didn't change, I didn't give her a smile. It was just a 'why are you talking to me?' So I go do my walk and she's backing her car up to turn around to drive down the street I'm walking down. I honestly don't know if there's an exit the way she was facing but she was backing in her car up to turn around forever and I was like 'you have to be fucking kidding me. It is the slowest backup I have ever listened to happen and I'm trying to walk as fast as I can without outright running away from her.

And I can hear her car just stalling behind me and then she's like slowly driving away I'm like 'can you fucking go-- just leave.'

And I slowly start to have a little bit of a panic attack. My breaths just keep coming faster and faster and faster and I was trying to slow down my walking but still walk fast to get away from her.

And then she was up the street and I was just panicked a little bit more. Because don't test me to see where I am. I'm not happy. I'm pissed off at you. We are not in a good place. I don't think we ever will be. 

And I've been waiting to see how she interacts with me since all that shit with her on the phone Wednesday and Monday. That whole 'I know I haven't been around, I want you to know I'm here for you if you want to talk.'

You're fucking kidding me. 

So I get there and I'm trying to make myself busy talking to other people. And she does speak to me and I look over and her girlfriend's literally right there working on the computer.

I look at her girlfriend and I look at her standing over her girlfriend. I just blandly speak and walk away. Then I start on the menu, trying to figure stuff out and then I sit down at the table that's not with them because I'm not sitting at y'all's table.

Fuck that. I'm not doing it.

So I sit at a table next to theirs. And then the assistant that was flirting with me that day in class sat down in front of me. He was talking me up, I was talking him up because I'd already had a shot at that point. So we were talking and I was flirting with him on purpose this time. And as we were talking of course gym girl tries to talk to him so he's not talking to me and I just make myself busy on my phone while I wait and figure out my life because I'm not joining in on this conversation.

I'm not doing it.

So that happened for a second then she finally just went away and then I had him to myself for a minute. So we talked and I talked with the other people that came over and then my gym friend came and I was like perfect. This is it.

But the entire time I can see gym girl in the background like a fucking stalker. When she wasn't standing over and/or talking to her girlfriend about whatever they were talking about on the computer, when she wasn't chatting up other people who weren't near me, she was talking but like with the view of me if that makes any sense.

Like when I was making small talk with our waitress, I could see her from the corner of my eye, watching. If she was having a conversation a few tables away with somebody else, her body was facing me so she can kind of see me.

Whenever she could, she seemed to stand where she could see me. When I noticed that earlier, I tried to sit down somewhere where she couldn't do that. But didn't really work.

So when my gym friend got there, since her husband was there too, I was like 'oh this is perfect, I can move further away from gym girl and her girlfriend.'

And I moved over a seat so I didn't have to be near them. And then we started talking and laughing and all the things. And she's just  watching from afar but also talking to somebody else but she's facing my direction. 

Like, can you face somewhere else? I don't want to do this.

And then my food came out and the lady was looking for me because I wasn't sitting down when she took my order, I don't think. That or somebody else brought it out. So they came looking for me and I could hear gym girl go 'oh ___'s over here, that's her right there' and she's calling my name. I almost looked up but when I realized it was her, I just looked in that direction but kept my head down until the waitress found me. Because I'm not giving you anything at all. You're gonna have to dig for whatever you get out of me.

And then later on, as we're talking and eating and doing all the things, she comes to our table and stands right in front of me. I never look at her or in her direction as she starts chatting up people at my table. So I look at M and I was like 'hey I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'm gonna leave my phone here, I'll be back.'

And I left it and I just took that time to go to the bathroom, to get away from her and wait it out until she left the table.

So then I came back, sat down, and she was gone. I was like 'perfect.' She left, I had the time of my life and I knew she was looking at me. So I made sure to have the biggest smile on my face as long as I could because almost every single time she was standing up and talking to somebody she found a reason to be facing my direction and it was getting on my fucking nerves.

If you want to watch me, you can watch me have fun with aaaaaall these other people. And I know that's what she was doing because at another point in time, she came around our entire table again and she started going one by one. She's like 'you know, I'm just making my rounds' And I just kept my back to her as I  tried to make myself busy talking to my friend.

The closer and closer she got to me, I was like 'hey I'm going to go to the bathroom.' So I got up and left and went to the bathroom again.

Take the fucking hint.

But, of course, she did not. She doesn't fucking care.

There was even at a point where she was standing to the left of my table, in between her girlfriend and my table. She was facing me but talking to other people and then she kept trying to join in our conversation. Every time she did, I just picked my phone up to make myself busy. 

I turned around, talking to somebody else because 'no, I don't want to do this.' And I really don't care.

I don't get her. I gave signals of leave me the fuck alone all night and she didn't really want to do that.

And more and more she would stop and talk to my friend. So I had to stop talking to her and I really didn't care about if it was obvious or not because I was probably the only one there who was ignoring her the entire night.

Hope your fucking girlfriend could see that.

She was also facing our direction and watching off and on the entire time.

Before we got ready to leave, she kept kind of finding her way closer to our table and I wasn't really having it. So instead I just got up to go to the bathroom again I was like 'hey I'm going to go to the bathroom again, I'll be right back' and she's like okay.

So I left. And I came back to my own personal hell. 

People had been leaving off and on already. But there were still 5 people at their table. But they decided to come to our table of five.

Her and her girlfriend came to sit at our table.

Her girlfriend is at the end of our table and then she's just standing there at the end of our table with her.

I'm immediately like 'no. there's no fucking way.'

As I was sitting down, she tried it. '____, you been having a good time tonight?'

And I thought 'fuck you.' I honestly think she was fucking with me on purpose.

I didn't look at her. I just stared at my chair as I sat down and I kept my tone as dry as possible, and said 'yeeep. Such a good time.' and sat with my back to her. And then I looked at my friend (who I don't think knows anything about us) and she laughed at my response. And I smiled and giggled.

So I sit down and I keep my back to her and I make myself busy on my phone. I'm talking to my friend and I'm thinking 'you've got to be shitting me, why is this happening to me, why.'

And she's talking to people, I'm not saying much of anything. I'm just sitting there. And as soon as I start to get more and more uncomfortable my friends were like 'hey we're leaving.' 

Perfect timing. Yes, we are leaving and of course. And of course. And of course they're normal, so they get up and they're like okay bye you guys and they're going to gym girl to speak and say all these things. 

I look over for a second and thought I'm not doing that shit. I turn around and go to the other table where people are still sitting. I don't know why they left that table because people were still over there.

I don't speak to her, I don't tell her bye. I get up and I go to the other table and make myself busy while they're saying all their goodbyes and all this chit chat stuff.

While they're doing that, I'm talking to these other girls and we're laughing and I'm having a good time just to let her know I 'guess what bitch, I'm avoiding you and I hope you catch the fucking hint because you apparently don't care if I'm throwing hints or if I'm telling you to your face, straight up. None of that matters to you.

So I'm talking to these other girls and I'm wasting time until my gym friend and her husband are ready. They come over and they're like okay you guys we're going to get ready to go I was like yes I was like 'yes I am leaving also, I also parked over there, I'm going to head out with you' and she's like okay that's perfect.

So we start heading out and I could hear gym girl saying bye. And like you're not-- they've already said bye. Don't speak to me. I don't turn around, I don't flinch. I keep going and I'm laughing with them and I'm leaving the restaurant and I'm like I did it.

I did it.

But also, I did it. 

And honestly kind of makes me want to cry. Because I was so desperate at one point while she was talking to my friend and they were having a really good conversation. The only thing I could do to make myself look busy was to turn around and ask Nipple Boy to bring the dog over to me so I can pet the dog and waste some time. And I feel like it couldn't have been more obvious.

But also I don't care.

And I really want her to hurt behind that. Because she's ruined a lot of things for me and I've given her a lot. All she did was confuse me. And that would have been fine if this was as still the beginning of last year, when I wasn't sure what was happening and I was confusing my own self because I didn't want to say anything.

But it's not fine now because I told you how I felt and you decided to lean into that and that doesn't make any sense to me other than the fact that you don't care how I feel.

So I'm not talking to you. I'm not pretending that things are fine. I'm not pretending that things are normal. And the longer she stood there at our table watching me talk to my friend and watching me laugh and have all these big emotions and be happy, I feel like she just longed to be a part of it because she was just standing there like a fucking puppy, just watching.

And, no you don't get to have me.

You don't get to have me anymore.

I gave you parts of me that I have never given to anybody and you disappointed me in a way that I didn't think was possible. I thought we could land in a good place after my confession. But then all you did was take advantage of that and show your entire ass.

I don't think I can handle anymore from her, especially like this. They're so many other people to talk to and be entertained by. This gym is too big. 

And you know what sucks and surprised me the most? Watching all the coaches just talking up her girlfriend through the night. At one point, they were all surrounding her, just chatting it up.

Meanwhile, gym girl is trying to pierce my veil, watching and plotting the night away. 

And I know that sounds insane, but I was there and I know her by now.

So I did the thing she hated the most. I gave myself to other people and I had fun without her.

That's why she kept finding a reason to infiltrate other different conversations I was having, over and over again. It's why she kept putting me in her line of sight.

She even did it after I'd drank my first shot. She came over and tried to make a joke about it and I just acted like I couldn't hear her. Didn't even look up.

Fuck you.

At one point she up to the people beside me and I could hear her introduce them to her girlfriend.

Her girlfriend. And I feel like that was for me. 

Every time she tried to get me to interact with her, all I could hear was 'I know I haven't been around lately but I wanted to let you know you I'm here for you'

It was like a fucking ghost.

I also had two shots tonight. I never take shots at gym events, but I did tonight.

Because I wanted her to sweat.

But coming back from the bathroom to see her standing near my chair and her girlfriend happily sitting at our table? Shocked me, hurt like hell, and made me wanna run.

It felt like gym girl had been circling me all night to try and get me to be normal towards her and this was our final standoff-- a test.

But what part of tonight says 'i should keep trying to talk to her'

The part when I avoided eye contact? The part where I kept getting up to go to the bathroom to avoid her? The part where I got on my phone to avoid talking to her? The part where I literally turned away from the conversation to ask to pet the dog? The part where I ignored her trying to help the waitress find me? The part where my face fell every time she came around?

Everything about our little interaction outside the gym should of told her what me she was getting.

~

Did a part of me want her to follow me to the bathroom and beg me to forgive her? Ask me what's wrong? Seduce me?

Aaaaaaabso-fucking-lutely.

But she didn't. She couldn't. She wouldn't.

And I've been waiting-- waiting to see how she would try to come back from this. Turns out, her only angle is to just try and be normal.

Fuck you.

Because you can try to be normal for appearances but when I specifically ask you to give me that for my sanity, you don't want to.

No. Instead you wanna text me two days before Christmas. You wanna flirt with me in the gym. You wanna compliment my hair. You wanna ask me how I'm doing. You wanna double down when I don't answer that question. You wanna tell me you're here for me and I can talk to you, but also, you're unavailable. 

Fuck you. The last thing I'm giving you is normal.

~

And that little fucker straight up cock blocked me.

Because I was intentionally flirting with that guy across from me. Because I know he was flirting with me last time he was assisting in my class. So as soon as he sat down in front of me, I went to work.

Holding my hand above my water glass all cute, complimenting his shirt, talking about foods. Talking over my shot, laughing because I like fireball. And he was saying his drinking days are behind him since CrossFit and I was saying my workout last Friday was done fully hungover. And we laughed about that and talked a bit more. While she was standing off to the side, watching on and off, listening. And I know she was because I know her.

And because she butted in to talk to him. We were in the middle of talking and she just randomly jumped in. She didn't come up to him or anything. She just stood where she was and yelled out to him. And he did keep talking to me, and ignored her for like a second. And I swear I heard her ask him if he was single. But I could be wrong. But he ignored her and finished talking to me before asking her what she wanted.

Which immediately made me shut down. I grabbed my phone and made myself busy. And we didn't really talk much after that.

And if Nipple Boy wasn't all talky talky with her girlfriend as if they were fucking besties, maybe I would have flirted with him too.

But that ship has sailed. 

Last time, I felt like he had something to do with her girlfriend showing up.

And this time? He's back and so is her girlfriend.

I know I sound paranoid but what are the odds, honestly. And then seeing him all chatty with her? Fucking weirded me out.

~

And this whole time I've been so worried about her. Well, not the whole time. But up until the time I told her I liked her, I've made myself out to be this terrible person. I've guilted myself, I gave her every benefit I could afford to, I shamed myself, I forced myself to watch her be in love as punishment.

I'm done being nice. And my biggest fear about tonight is that I would immediately fall into her again.

Because when I ran into her at the gym, I didn't think her girlfriend was still in town. It was just her in her car. But nothing about how I felt changed.

Because I know she's played more of a role in all of this than me.

I don't seek her out to flirt with her in front of other people. I don't find excuses to text her. I don't inbox her randomly on social media. I don't try and make her smile. I didn't find a reason-- an excuse to grow close to her.

My work friend bought me flowers and chocolates for Valentine's Day yesterday. I know she feels sorry for me and she's so concerned and worried and all the things. I keep telling her I'm fine, my therapists insist I'm fine. Being heartbroken is just part of it. Being sad is just part of it.

I understand but I just don't get it. I don't get gym girl's motivation to do all of this.

So I told my work friend tonight something that I hope gives her the full picture:

I do still like gym girl but I will NEVER like anyone enough to abandon my own happiness for the possibility of happiness with them. I know it doesn't work that way. So I'm gonna continue chasing my own happiness. Anyone who wants me is more than welcome to join me on that journey. But derailing my train? Not an option 

And now I'm gonna grow and be and do all the things in her place of business, all while denying her any access to me.