pushing her away

You keep breaking my heart and you don't even know it. 

You don't know how confusing you are. 

You don't know what it takes to push you away.

I have done the right things. I keep trying. I keep telling myself I'm making progress.

I know I'm making progress. 

But there's still a tiny part of my that hopes and I don't know what to tell her.

I don't know what to tell her when she dreams of what could be.

I don't know what to tell her when she tries to find clues you may be leaving. 

I don't know what to tell her when she starts overanalyzing. 

I don't know what to tell her when she sees you.

But I do know what it feels like. 

To be disappointed by someone who knows my struggles and my pains. 

To be constantly led astray by your good intentions. 

To be boxed in by your jealousy, cornered by your presence, but abandoned as needed. 

I don't get that same privilege. 

I don't get to abandon you. In fact, I try. 

I have tried so fucking hard and you won't let me. 

You won't let me past this-- past you. But you get to live your life as if I don't matter.

As if how you treat me doesn't matter.

I'm just really tired. 

And I know all you know is what I've told you.

But you don't know how many times I imagine you touching me. How many times I imagine lying next to you. How many times I have told myself maybe.

You don't know how many tears I've cried over you-- because of you. How I dream of you finally choosing me. Seeing me as something other than a distraction from the relationship you're actually in.

God, I hate you sometimes. 

I hate you for not letting me go.

I hate you for pushing my verbal boundaries.

I hate you for pushing my physical boundaries. 

I hate you for liking me.

And I'm right on the edge of hating myself for liking you enough to have ever let you hold space.

I hate myself for thinking she didn't post girlfriend hashtags so maybe they're not together.

She hasn't posted her girlfriend in weeks. No Valentine's Day post, no birthday post, she was here for a whole week and none of it made your timeline. 

God, I hate my fucking sister. I hate everyone who has caused me insurmountable pain and trauma in my life. Because if not for them, I wouldn't be in this shit.

I know I told you no. I know I reinforced those boundaries. I know I've kept you blocked. I know I've let you see me be upset. I know I've avoided you as best as I can. 

I know on the outside, I'm covered but my insides are still all twisty sometimes.

Trauma sucks and I fucking hate it. 

To be so aware but also so confused all the time. To be almost trapped in this body that I know but sometimes don't trust.

~

Porn's updated and I went back to torture myself on her page one more time.

It's just all so fucked up. 

It's just really fucked up. 

I'm fucked up. And she's no longer making things better. She hasn't been making things better for a very long time now.

She's just been trying to reel me in when it's convenient, push me away when it's convenient, and preserve me from everyone until it's convenient.

And all that is about her-- for her. 

None of that is done with me in mind. My feelings aren't being taken into consideration.  

Even the whole, 'i want you to know I'm here for you even though I'm unavailable only because that's what I wanted when I was in your shoes'

I'm not you. You can't keep giving me what you want me to have and think that's ok.

It's not ok.

And not only does my trauma make it hard for me to believe you like me, you make it hard to believe that.

Your volatility makes it hard to believe you like me. 

It makes it hard for me to trust myself. It makes it hard for me to know that I'm worth more. It makes it hard for me to be myself.

You are making my life difficult. 

You made me life better for just shy of six months. But I was tortured almost that entire time. I tell you I'm pushing you away and that we need space and you're ignoring that. You're wreaking havoc and have been for 8 months now.

And that's why I check your page. Because you can hide from me, but you can't hide from keeping up appearances. So I check your page so I can doubt that you even like me and beat myself up for ever wanting you.

I check your page because doubt and beating myself up is safer than knowing and staying hopeful.

Just propose to her already. Propose to her and move away.

Go be gay elsewhere. Leave me to figure out my gay without you. 

~

You make me feel lost.

You make me feel helpless.

You make me feel unsure of myself.

You make me feel like this little kid that's done all she can to build something great with someone she thought she could trust all for it to be ripped down twice with no apology and half assed more than once against her will.

You feel like my sister. You do and say these things to make me feel better after you repeatedly hurt me and push me out. I'm so great but also not really. 

You feel like her. She made me believe I was less than. She.... She took advantage of her place in my life and sold me out whenever it was convenient for her.

You make me feel like what I want doesn't matter so why should I even try.

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