morning text, afternoon trigger

Currently overthinking a gym text I got this morning.

Seeing as how

1. It's another goal review text, even though I've already turned that down twice now. 

2. I think it's only partially automated because there's a latter part of it that says 'me'. But I don't know who me is

3. I'm scared it's gym girl but a part of me is also hoping it's gym girl because we just talked about how coaching is fine. And if I were her and the only way to get to me would be through coaching, guess what I would up the ante on?

~

I just declined the offer.

But I strongly considered also taking advantage of this situation because what if it was her?

But what if it was her?

Not gonna lie, I even looked at the calendar and googled gym goal ideas for inspo...

~

They're still texting me. But I don't know who it is.

~

I couldn't figure out a way to ask who it was but the texts have ended.

I declined the review because I don't have goals. They said 'ah, have I signed up for competition'

I said not exactly, but I did actually consider it this time. They asked how come.

.......*eyeball emoji*

This is when I was like '...ok who the hell is this?' lol

And I said just personal reasons, I don't like to do things that may make me push myself too hard. They said, that makes sense 😊

...so I don't think it's her.

But every time I get an emoji, I remember the time she sent me this one: 🥰

...how was that not flirting.

~

I can't get her out of my head. 

Between her coincidentally being at the gym Friday even though she told me she'd be back in town this week and the text this morning (and the fact that I keep imagining what it'd be like for her to just touch me), I am sprung.

I'm sprung, she seems to be hooked and we have a pickle. We seem to be in a pickle.

~

From her leaning in, the Christmas texting, her being flirty in front of entire classes, her checking up on me, to her admitting to wanting to still have these intimate talks with me.

She doesn't want anything to come between us, even though I've told her how I feel.

And we still look at each other in a way that makes me feel like a ten year old with a crush. But in this scenario, we know too much about each other and our connection is the most natural thing I've ever experienced and been drawn in by.

~

I have been imagining specific scenarios where she makes me melt and, my God I wish they were true.

The looks she gives me make me want to give her every single part of me.

~

So today I worked out with gym girl AND gym girl's girlfriend and that was such a good time.

So, turns out, she doesn't want me to come between us. But she can find a way to stop when her girlfriend is around.

Let's start from the beginning.

I pull in, I don't see her car in the parking lot and I'm like 'oh she's not even here.' I go in, dog coach is at the front desk. I speak, she speaks, I speak to the doggie. Good times.

I go to the open gym, put my stuff down, go to the bathroom and change. The entire time I'm like 'everything is fine. She's not here, I'm going to have a good workout today.'

I go to leave the bathroom and I'm looking up as I'm walking out and I catch a glimpse and immediately think to myself 'that's her, she's here, gotdamn it.' 

So I head over to the couch, sit down, fix my hair, do my earrings and then I start reading. And as I'm reading, not even 5 minutes later she comes over to that side of the gym and my heart starts racing. She speaks to everybody all nonchalantly. She makes small talk with them, all the things.

And then I can see as her body is turned away from me, she's kinda walking backwards towards me, closer to where I was on the couch. But instead of doing that, she walked back to where she was and she stood there facing me while she talked to this guy who was riding a bike.

Then I heard hey my name.

And I looked up and it was her, of course.

She was standing there, looking all disheveled. It shocked me a bit. Her hair was like a little bit of a mess and she just had to look a fear on her face. And she was standing there, one hand up, not waving. And her voice was so odd.

I raised my hand and smiled and waved as I spoke back. I thought maybe she was just nervous about seeing me but we just saw each on Friday and it was fine. So I smiled and waved and read my book and my heart was beating fast the entire time she was over there. Because I knew it was coming and then it slowly slowed down because she went back to what she was doing shortly after she spoke to me.

Then my gym friend came over and we had a good laugh. Afterwards, I go back to reading and then I'm like 'man I'm just going to get up and sit on the floor and waste a little bit of time before class starts'.

So I look at my watch, I see what time it is and I'm like 'alright I'm on the next chapter let me just stop where I am it's a good stopping point and I'll just go sit on the floor and wait until the workout starts.'

So I closed my book and I go sit on the floor to wait until the workout starts. And I see that there is this person sitting off to the left and I don't know who it is. But I did see them get up and speak to people in the open gym. I just assumed it was a member I didn't know because I never looked up. And I never looked over there but I'm like 'who is that'

My gym friend comes over and we're laughing again because we're like dying about the workout, not wanting to do it. And then she goes off to do something else. Then her and her other friend come over they talk for a bit because they're like really really good friends in real life.

And then gym girl comes by. And she's just walking like usual, passing by casually. And I'm ignoring her up until this point. Because she's literally right in front of me.

I look up just as she catches my eyes. So I give a small "everything is fine now" smile to be non-weird and casual.

For a split second, she just dead stares me with fear in her eyes and all over her face. Just as quickly as we caught each other's eyes, she is looking away as if it is illegal to look at me.

Even though she literally spoke to me not that long ago. And we literally just saw each other Friday and things seemed fine.

Then she looked at the girls next to me and speaks to them and laughs and I'm like okay what the fuck is going on. 

Is she upset with me? Because we just had this talk? But I just saw you Friday and I thought things were fine. Why are you pissy right now?

And then I'm sitting on the floor still like 'well I guess she is mad at me, I don't know? I guess she's just mad. I don't know-- I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that?'

While I'm trying to figure out where her head's at, I hear somebody speak and they call her girlfriend's name and I'm like 'yeeeeaaaah, that's her girlfriend. That's her fucking girlfriend right there, sitting off to my left.'

And it all starts making sense.

The disheveled hair, her awkwardly speaking to me, the look of her face when she had no reaction to looking at me dead in the eyes even though she'd literally just spoke to me.

It aaaaaaall started to make sense and it all fell into place. Her girlfriend's here and, therefore, whatever we have/had does not exist while her girlfriend's there.

Which is just fucking fantastic.

So I check in with myself and I'm like 'okay, how do I feel, where is my head at, do I want to cry do I want to leave, what am I doing.'

And I decide to stay and like 'I'm going to have a good workout regardless, we're going to see how things go.'

Because, to be fair, I haven't not done this before. The last time it just didn't feel good.

So eventually class starts and so does all the awkward fun I'm about to have for the next hour.

The young coach walks up to me while I was standing up, about to grab my spot. I'm nervously drinking water, looking around, trying to be normal. 

She looks at me blankly but her tone is kind of happy before she smiles. Then she's like 'hi, ___ how you feeling, how you doing' So I start chatting her up, she's chatting me up. We're laughing and start coming down a little bit.

And then class starts. I go to my spot (which her girlfriend stole last time) and I sit my stuff down. Then I get my equipment, I move boxes and stuff around so I'm comfortable in my little area.

And then while I go to get my bike set up the young coach comes back around and she's looking at me like 'are you okay.' And then she asked 'hi ___, how is it going.' And then she caught herself and was like 'I know-- I know already asked you that but I'm just like checking in again to see how you're doing.'

And immediately my first thought is she knows. Of course she knows, why wouldn't she? Because gym girl flirts with me in front of everyone.

Then, the real fun starts.

I get in my spot, I get on my bike, I waste a little bit of time while gym girl's girlfriend goes and sets up at the rower directly in front of me.

So, not only am I having to work out in the same vicinity as her, at the same time. She has chosen to work out right across from me.

And at that point I'm like 'maybe she knows, maybe she was in the car that day like I thought. Maybe she heard our conversation and was not having it. Maybe the time just so happened to line up where she was in town.

Maybe it's aaaaaall just a coincidence.

Then gym girl comes over and talks to her for a bit because walking away. It seemed oddly casual but oh well.

Then the coach that usually coaches my classes came around and he was speaking to all of us. He came up to me it was like 'hi ___' and I was like 'hey.'

Then he looks to the left and said hi to gym girl's girlfriend. And I'm like, "well here we go..

 here we fucking go.'

We started doing a little warm up and, unbeknownst to me, gym girl joins the class. But instead of taking the empty spot directly next to her girlfriend, she takes a spot three places in front of me. So she is kind of facing me during some of it, but not really.

I'm thinking 'okay maybe they're not on good terms.' But I don't know that, it's not my business, we'll see what happens. Because they did talk a little bit before the class started and it's like-- I don't even know. It seemed fine? I don't know, not my business.

But I just assumed they'd work out next to each other because they're dating. But, now that I think about it maybe she didn't work out next to her because I was right across from them and how weird would that have been?

So class starts stretching, we're doing all the things and I'm trying but can't help but face her because of how we do our workouts. But she's not facing me, she's facing the coach stage. Which is fine because I'm trying to not look at her if I don't have to see her face.

Then we go to watch the coach do a preview of one of our workouts which, by this time, I've already had two other friends join me. And I'm like 'perfect, I don't have to worry about who I'm doing squats with today. I know exactly who I'm going to work out with. I have other friends around the gym, I'm going to be okay.'

And gym girl and her girlfriend played this weird game of awkward. She kept doing out of place stretches away from her girlfriend. She was didn't really go to stand near her and her girlfriend didn't either. And as I was talking with my friends, I noticed her girlfriend leave the back row and work closer to gym girl, who acted like she didn't want to be near her even though she wasn't working. 

I guess that'd be guilt. And shame because I'm there and she literally just told me she wanted to be there for me and that I could talk to her if I needed her. Even though she has a fucking girlfriend.

I'm also grateful right now, that I did set that boundary with her when I did instead of putting it off.

So.

We go around to watch him do his little demonstration of the workout for today. Get out if you can't do it right and stay safe, protect yourself, all that jazz.

During that time, I try to butt up next to my friends and like hey are we working out together today. She's like you bet we are and I was so excited because I was like perfect I have a buffer, I have friends. This is what I needed, this is what I wanted. This is going to work.

We finish this demonstration and during that time I'm slowly watching her girlfriend like creep up behind her and they're like not close but like really it's weird. It's weird and they are like-- I don't know. Maybe that's how they do their relationship?

It's just weird because we seem more natural even when it's awkward and weird and they seem awkward and weird in general. But I could just be misreading things.

So after the demonstration, we do the white board. And they are still far apart and I can feel gym girl behind me. Like, she's not behind me like Friday. She's just behind me and off to the side where she's not directly behind me or anywhere close to me at all.

It is very ironic to me that the only time I get what I ask from her is when it's convenient for her. Like when her girlfriend is in the same vicinity as me. It's not something she's doing because she wants to, it's something she's doing because she has to in order to make things look ok.

And if things were okay, why does they way we interact need to change? I really just cannot believe I'm even in this situation to begin with. I don't even-- like, I know how I got here but fuck. 

Our first workout starts. 

I got with my friend and like what weight are we getting?'

We're trying to figure that out, I'm trying to avoid her girlfriend, trying to also avoid gym girl because fuck you, I shouldn't have to deal with this and all that and then I did almost twist my ankle.

Gym girl was walking towards me when it was happening and she had her phone in her hand. 

She didn't check on me, she didn't say anything. She just pretended like she didn't even notice me flailing and my friend standing there watching. Once I caught myself, she was laughing and I was laughing and I was like 'I'm good, everything is fine, it's perfect, let's keep going.'

As though gym girl and her girlfriend are not working out together like in the same vicinity they do lift weights together which is funny to me because she usually lifts weight with people who lift heavy because she lives heavy because she used to do this professionally but she didn't. She lifted litht weights with her girlfriend instead.

So while they did that we did our lifting and whenever it was time for me to lift it just so happened that Jim Burrell was not lifting and I was hoping she wasn't paying attention but I can also hear her off to the side giggling and laughing and talking to the girls that I'm working out with but not saying s*** to me at all. Which now that I think about that is pissing me off and making me a little upset it makes me want to cry. So actually I might cry even though I told myself I wasn't going to.

She just yeah it was weird and I didn't like it but I also wrote it out because f*** you

And having to tell my life and also trying to give her my back every f****** chance I got so she knew I was not happy because I am laughing and having fun I'm mad at you. Because not only have you been on me like white on rice the two Fridays ago you were literally dancing in my face in front of the entire class and asking me how I was doing and chitchatted me up as if it was nothing. And now today you can't even look at me for too long. And I know how that sounds giving the conversation we just had but it'll all make sense when I finish telling the story. Because you can't even look at me too all you could even have normal conversation but you can do it to the people I'm working out with and pretend like you don't even see me. So that was great. And so we finished weightlifting and and then we got ready to start the second part of the workout and I tried to avoid her and her girlfriend while I was putting weights up in getting myself ready to do the next workout. And as I was putting up the last set of weight that I had I picked him up and I looked into my chest I hit myself in the mail. so I was laughing at my gym for about it and I was like this is a sign because I was already told him I didn't want to throw up today cuz I ate lunch late and then I saw and then having to deal with all that and I said I don't want to throw up and having have to deal with any of that. So I put the weights up now and I went over to the coach you know it's like hey and I didn't want to do stuff over cuz I thought I was going to I don't like them in general they're finicky you have to do them a certain way my brain cannot compute them. So he was like hey can I do step UPS instead and he was like people why would you want to do stuff up since I was like okay perfect thank you. So he explained the workout again and then we all got started. And the entire time I'm pushing myself I'm like you f****** b**** I cannot believe I cannot believe. I cannot believe two Fridays ago you would excited to see me with the biggest mall in your face you talk to me like normal which was fun but then you came into class and you stood behind me and then you dance and run me in front of everybody and then you asked me how I was doing it when I tried to blow you off you persisted anyway? And then I had this conversation I set up this conversation to let you know that you cannot ask me that anymore and try to reinforce my boundaries only to text you and you be excited to talk to me about something else. And then I call you and you're excited to talk to me and then I tell you what I call it actually about and then you get defensive and then you tell me that you want to be there for me and that if I need you I can talk to you but then today you pretend like I don't even f****** exist and you look at me as if I am your worst nightmare how does that make sense what am I supposed to do with that? I am never been you just told me on the phone that you know you haven't been around but you want to be there for me which is already difficult to compute itself because yes you haven't been oh you haven't been around we're just fine because you were avoiding me and then I tell you I like you and all you can do is find a reason to see and talk to me and flirt to me then we aren't talking you're doing something nice just to make me smile and then and then today you don't do anything you speak to me off in the corner and then when I see you in front of her you look you look at me and you immediately look away you don't even address me being there? That's crazy to me. Because I just had to pry you off of me and then we see each other Friday and you seem fine I think fine everything seems fine and then today everything is not fine everything is not okay things are weird. And I just know the next time I see you it's going to which is a whole other thing because before we started working out. Before we started working out the coach asked her how long her girlfriend the coach asked her girlfriend how long she was in town and she said probably through the end of the week so the next time I see her it's still going to be a f****** weird it's going to be f****** awkward. And she told me on the phone she just told me on the phone that she knows how I can be awkward and weird for somebody that happens unavailable and the first time I interacting to that phone call like for a long period of time all you do is be weird towards me and oh I'm trying to do is find something to normal in the situation and you f****** over every single time. You know how much I f****** sucks to be in a roomful of people who have seen how we interact with each other on any other given day and then today they see it be the way up it's all so f****** dumb. And I know people either feel sorry for me or they feel like I'm a f****** idiot or they feel like I'm just f****** homewrecker and they don't even know about the situation it's not just me and I'm trying really hard to make things clear and not come in the middle of this whole thing and I keep getting put in situations. I look like the villain and I'm not the feeling I'm really trying hard to do the right thing and that doesn't seem to matter.

I finish the workout I get farther than I thought I would and I feel good I haven't thrown up I don't feel sick I'm taking my time but I'm still done a good job. So I started winding down and like cooling off and walking around and breathing and trying to just catch my breath and settle myself. And during that time she's starts walking around and doing the same thing. And a certain point I saw her start to walk towards my direction and she started speaking to everybody and fist building them after class. But you also makes me think I always have this fear that somebody has found and read my diary and everything she does makes me feel like she has found and read my diary. Of that happening anybody except for me and like all the stretches on the internet who don't know me. And I know that's like the chances that are slim but they still exist in my worst fear is that she has found it and she does read it and all of my feelings that I feel and want to keep in the safe little box or not safe anymore. I just keep seeing her face from Friday when I thought she was going to be upset and she wasn't and didn't see her face today just completely different reactions to me and I know it's not because of me I know it's because of her but it doesn't make it easier it doesn't make it okay it doesn't make me feel good. I tried to put my stuff up as slow as I could so I could avoid having to deal with her and I didn't put it up slow enough. Because as soon as I turned around she was walking right up to me and there was nowhere else for me to go so I just threw my system and fifth doctor and didn't look at her and just like did it in passing and she's trying to walk away immediately. And I really don't understand how I've done all this work to try to find a cater and like cultivate some sense of normal for me and the closest I can ever get to that is when she has to avoid me because her girlfriend is actually in the same room as us so it's really fun to be disregarded by somebody who just ironically told me that all they want to do is be there for me and to know that I could talk to them if I wanted to. What the f*** does that even mean anymore wouldn't even mean when you told me that why would you say that to me. I just hope you feel f****** guilty and I hope you know how sick to my stomach you make me feel like this to me so now I'm stuck in this s***** situation I didn't even want to be in to begin with all because you can't take no for an answer but you can force one down my throat when you need to save yourself. So it's really nice to know how selfish you are but it comes down to him. I really don't want anything to do with you I'm going to have a week have you treated me like that even though I literally just talk to you last week and I had to tell you what was okay and what was it and now all your. That's so understand. So anyway class finishes and she does that Facebook and she's like trying to salvage some sense of normal and no f****** it's not normal it's not normal and you'll get to salvage that just because it's convenient to you you want to make things look okay and it's f****** not. And I really just want to call and yell at her and I can't f****** do that. And there was a point in time during the workout where the coach got on top of a box and because he had an announcement to make and my stomach dropped and I thought I was going to have to leave class because I swear to God I thought he was about your nails that gym girl supposed to her girlfriend they were getting married and I was going to lose my s*** I was going to quit immediately. Her friend's birthday so that was great to forget the panic that felt fantastic today and highly recommend sarcastically. So all that happened and after the workout was finished and she did that I sell the floor with my friends don't do but I just really wanted to avoid having to be anywhere near her girlfriend and anywhere near her as long as I possibly could. it's just so funny to see them interact when I can't pry her off of me but she can put this between her and her girlfriend like it's nothing why can't I get that same energy why can't I get that same respect

Time to get gym girl out of the gym and get her girlfriend out of the gym far away from me I talked to him at the workout coming up and then I'm like hey are y'all going to the event the gathering on Thursday and then one girl wasn't going but then the other girl was and she was like are you going I want to go but I get nervous perfect same just like do you want to change numbers and I was like yes I do.

So we exchange numbers and we're going to text each other before then so we can go to the event and meet up together so she's not by herself and I'm not by myself and I was one of the conditions I have for myself if I agree to stay here and try to make this thing work for me. So that was a blessing in this guys and I was really really grateful and it makes me really happy to know that that has happened but the entire time we were talking I could see Jim girl walking back and forth doing things bringing herself busy watching us and I was really hoping during the entire day today like I'm happy because of these people not because of you. If they were not here and then all I had to do was deal with you and your girlfriend I would be more pissed off I would be more heartbreaking broken I'll be more upset. But only because they're here am I able to have as much fun as I'm having smell as much as I am smiling and like continue to be okay. And I knew I was right about her watching me and feeling me out because when I was laughing and talking to them on the floor I started sneezing out of nowhere and because. And because I was in the middle of a conversation with them laughing and talking somebody walked by and said bless you and I looked over it and not looking at them and just like turn my head that way and laughed and said thank you and I looked up exactly it wasn't it was gym girl I was like you f****** b**** I don't want to tell you thank you I don't want you to talk to me if you're not going to say anything to me how about just don't say anything to me. Because you don't get to you don't get to do that that makes me feel terrible but understand how you can even justify your actions and everybody in the gym has to know at this point. Because a lot of them have seen the way we've been erected and then now all of a sudden you're being standoffish you can't even look me in the eyes you can't even look in my direction. That's f****** nuts

And a it's just so funny to me that I cannot get her to not speak to me and not be overly friendly on a good day. But the instant she needs to save her own ass all she knows how to do is pretend like I don't exist. Every time I walk by she wouldn't make herself busy doing something else which is perfectly fine. I'm just going to take advantage of the fact that you're going to want to pretend like you even know me the way you know me today. F****** great. In the theater on her face fine keep it through the certain point where I didn't want to feel that way and I wanted to let her know I was okay but no I'm not f****** okay I'm not okay.

And now she's f***** up and she's in two relationships with two people at the same f****** time and one of them you get to have all this lovey-dovey free time fun time you'll get to f*** don't get to share feelings you'll get to travel the goddamn world and be together out loud. Me well I'm in the f****** shadows having to push you off of me to get some God damn peace in my own f****** mind. And I have the nerve to feel f****** guilty about trying to make sense of the situation and trying to put some boundaries in place to make me feel okay? You know what kind of f*** s*** that is to have to deal with you know how f****** upsetting that is to have to figure out do you know how f****** stupid I have felt because doing what's right for me has brought so many questions about is this even happening am I even doing the right thing am I upsetting her do I look like a f****** idiot because it's just me? And I'm at my worst fear was repeating same exact mistakes I mean last year with you. And lo and behold right after I say that little boy gets hired back at the gym I have to deal with your b******* of coming up my ass again and they are f****** girlfriend shows up today and she's going to be there all week? I'm f****** thrilled I was f****** right I f****** knew it. I just don't even know where to go from here. I'm glad I did what I did when I did it. Because when she was saying bless you she had the nerve to kind of sort of look happy no b**** you don't get to be f****** happy that the mess you made is also tried to clean up the fact that I am a mess you know how f****** deprived to pray do you have to be? I'm not doing this I'm not doing this. You have so much s*** to shuffle when the time comes. I really don't understand how you can come back from this. I am going to milk the f****** s*** out of your guilt. Because how f****** dare you? How could you even put me in the situation to have to feel and deal with what I'm feeling and dealing with? You do not f****** care about me. And I don't really know how many more times I have to tell myself that so now you get the cold shoulder now you get the f*** you now I could give I don't give a s*** anymore honestly I still like you because you're cute and all these things but I don't want the person I'm attracted to to drag me along this long and the moment I tell you I like you I don't want to be friends I blocked you because you cannot stay away I literally blocked you because you cannot stay away from me you always find a reason to message me you found a reason to talk to me you found a reason to be around me that is the entire reason I told you I pushed you away because even after I blocked you you showed up to the gym trying to find a reason to be around me and to talk to me. The pattern is becoming clearer and clearer and I am not the f****** problem. You are it's you and it's never been as clear as it is to me right now in this moment then it is f****** you. You keep f******you keep putting me in a situations to have to figure my s*** out you keep yo-yoing me back and forth you keep dragging things along you keep confusing me and you keep asking me out when it's convenient for you. I cannot wait to see how the rest of this week goes I cannot wait to see how next week goes I cannot wait to see how the time I spend this gym ends up being with you around. I never I never ever want to share anything with you again never want to give you a part of myself ever again. And the next time you want to sit talk to me I will and I will show you exactly what I feel when I think of you in the time I always wasted trying to figure things out and you waste no time trying to forget that things even happen you waste no time throwing me away and I deserve more than that I'm going to find more than that there's got to be better out there and it can't be you not like this.

I'm done being nice. I'm done trying with her. 

I'm washing my hands. 

Now she's gonna get to see me living my best life while she figures out what she wants out of hers.

~

And now I'm laying across my bed while I edit this entry. I started doing talk to text to write and it's been really helpful to work dump vocally.

But, as much as I would like to busy myself with other things, I'm just gonna lay here and edit this entry before I start winding down.

I'm angry now. I'm mad at her, and her alone.

Because how could you?

Our timeline of events has fucked me time and time again. I'm always left holding things and feeling like shit. 

Not anymore.

Not anymore because I did the right thing. I made the healthy choice.

I honestly did what you should have done.

Last time your girlfriend was here, we grew miles apart in just one day.

Immediately after, you conveniently unignored my text and the next day you wanted to talk.

So I did. Because I like you and I wanted to tell you about yourself. That didn't happen. Instead, we fell right back into a rhythm, all in 15 minutes. And that was the last time I thought I'd ever be in your office.

And I was almost right. For two months, you ignored me to my face, I hardly ever saw you, and you never checked in with me once even though you knew I was having a difficult time. You pushed me far away from you.

But then you DM'd me a cute little innocent message on Instagram. 

And then we spent that brunch together and everything felt so good.

And then right back to distance in every way, but with you watching my Stories still.

I blocked you for my sake. You show up upset.

I explain my actions for both our sakes, I share my honest feelings to be fair. That way you understand and can respect my decision. You immediately get embarrassed, then you take it personally, never really address anything between us as being something else, and you seemingly brush it off. 'I'm in a committed relationship but thank you for telling me. Also, let me stare into your eyes and ask if you're doing class tonight.'

Things are a bit awkward at first but then you start looking happy to see me again. You start speaking to me again, you compliment my hair. 

Almost 2 months later exactly, you texted me before Christmas to check in after hours into the next morning even though you were with your girlfriend. And that changed things. You tried to make small talk with me the next time I saw you by asking how I my Christmas was. I blew you off and you seemed to feel a way. You started teasing me in class again, in front of the entire group.

Then this last Friday happened in front of the whole group, where you danced in my face and asked me how I was doing. And when I blew you off, you persisted.

And then I texted you to set up a time to talk. And you seemed more excited than admonishing and it literally confused me. But I went through with it, thinking you'd be annoyed that we're even having this conversation. Imagine my suprise to find that you actually wanted to talk to me. You wanted me to share with you. You wanted to be there for me.

And, after all that, today you went right back to where we were last summer. And your only saving grace is that I just told you to stop checking in on me. But you messed up when you showed up this past Friday. 

If you really wanted to just do you job and be there for me in that sense, when I told you two days before Christmas that I was having a difficult time, that would have been the time to professionally step in to 'help me'. Instead, you just said 'hope you're doing ok'

You know how I feel about intimacy. Yet and still I let you in because you persisted and I thought I could trust you. And you have decided to make yourself available to me without even asking me how I'd feel about it.

I thought I could trust you. 

But if I can't even trust you to honor my boundaries, can I even trust you at all?

And as dramatic as that sounds, it's a very valid question.

Your uncertainty is the worst thing that has ever happened to my heart.

~

And I went to her Instagram because why not?

Turns out, her birthday was yesterday. So of course her girlfriend is in town. And she's so loving to spend the entire week with her.

What a fucking joke.