grief and regret

Time today I've had a really difficult time today I've been crying a lot and I don't know what to do with myself

I do hate her. I don't like her. I wish I never met her. Just cannot fathom somebody knowing everything that I've been through a good majority of the stuff that I've been through and sharing in that experience but then turn around and be the same person to treat me terribly. I don't think I will ever understand that. I don't think I will ever have enough Grace to give somebody to do that to me and get away with it. I'm just really tired of being in places I don't belong. Gym girl with her girlfriend that really didn't bother me but it was like a reminder of just like I don't belong there

And because I can really see how her treating me and my sister treated me or not the same but they are very similar in the way that they hurt. And I don't know if I can do

I'm really scared because I don't know if I can handle teaching somebody how to treat me. Because I feel like that should be something everybody out of my thing knows how to do you don't treat people terribly. Even if you do you apologize you move on. You don't keep hurting people you don't keep confusing people. You don't put them in a spot to have to figure things out on their own.

Like she is doing to me cuz I'm no longer letting it happen. Everything I feel like she's doing to me now are things in my family is done to me my entire life and I just tell her that cuz I had no other choice I've made the choice to not take that from her anymore about the same rules to my family dynamic. F*** Candice. That's her name I hate her so much

. She no longer feels like a person I can empathize with. Because she is aware of the arm she's causing. Not only because I told her but because even before I said anything she been trying to play clean up this entire time. I just don't think of a person who would take advantage of somebody sharing true feelings you cannot not be a monster

You asking to trust you. I feel like I can trust you. I'm so I do. And I still end up here. Really really the role I play growing up and I don't think I could realize that until this weekend I don't know I'm doing all things that I need to to grow out of this situation I feel so trapped.

I really regret ever meeting her. I really regret ever sharing any kind of moment with her. I regret sharing anything with her really. It hurts a lot. I'm really scared.

Because I thought I could trust my family and that backfire. I told myself as a kid that the older I got the more I would understand and maybe the more I would fit in if I just played the part and stop making Waves I would no longer be an issue to anybody. I wouldn't stand out and someone to pick on in prod at. 

I think just I've had a moment of clarity to where I told myself all these things because it was much easier to process them and they don't know they're not true my love my lies aren't true the doubt I told is not true I just feel really I feel like a f****** idiot?

I think I just put my finger on it. I know there's a lot of parallels between Candace and my family dynamic but I couldn't figure out why the picture of her and her girlfriend upset me this morning. Because it really didn't bother me as far as things go with her because I know as much as I hope also know what I don't want. So I was fine with that picture. I think seeing that just reminded me of what she said I know I haven't been around but I want you to know that I'm here if you want to talk or you need like her offering herself to me after what I told her as if that was okay. Because at the dinner on Saturday my mom told me that she missing out of me and she wants to do stuff I'm feeling the same person to my mom I feel like these people don't really want me I feel like I'm just a tool for them and I don't want to really enjoy my company like they want to pick my brain

I feel like I'm being used I feel like the only reason people want me around is because of I don't know like me I love me and be there for me and all these things that I can help with feeling like it's just for show. Like it's more serving them than it is an equal I get what I want they get what they want I don't want to be I'm trying everything being once

I'm tired of things being one sided. I told Candice I like her and she immediately jumped on that to like she took advantage of it and I can't read my brain around that. You're literally telling me you want to use my issues as a way to get close to me because I don't it makes me sick to my stomach it's disgusting. Is disgusting and I can't believe I ever trusted a person who thinks like that they don't know it didn't last long that's still share a lot of myself and I wish I could take it back

I also think that's why I keep asking myself what does she want.

I couldn't figure out - - like I knew why I was asking that but I couldn't put into words to explain to my therapist or to my friends while I was asking that. I wasn't trying to figure out what Candice wanted from me so I could give it to her. I wanted to know what she wanted for me so I can understand what it is she wanted and I could tell her she can't have it directly. I want to be able to know what I'm denying somebody innocence.

Because I know I'm saying no for my reasons but the other part of me wants to know what I'm saying no to

Like for instance my best friend. I'm trying to figure out what I want our new dynamic to look like because I feel like I also serve her more of a purpose than she serves me. And it's not that I want to use her for anything I just want a friend. But I feel like I get you a lot more than I would like. And my what I want isn't really a priority and I don't like that.

For my mom, when I'm saying no I'm saying no to being the child can act like you're grown up best friend. I'm saying no to being your child but also your bestie. I'm saying no to being your child but also your mother, dr, lawyer, go to guru, text Abby person, researcher.

When I say no to my sister, I'm saying no to being her mother. I'm saying no to trying to be your sister but also trying to raise you but also trying to find a way to make a friendship even though you're acting like a child majority of time. Which means I have to act like the adult majority of the time.

m saying no to all these things when I say no to them and I know and understand that.

Order me just want to know what dynamic I'm saying no to when I tell Candice no. Because my no doesn't change it still stands.

But I would like to know how she sees things in her head. Because sure you like me. Sure my family loves me. But that doesn't mean you don't want to use me to serve you despite the fact that it's upsetting to me.

That's what I'm sending to me.

So when I ask myself what does she want for me, I'm not trying to figure out literally what do you want from me so I can give it to you. I'm just trying to figure out what is it you get out of this? I'm not giving any more than I want to to anybody. And I know that. Doesn't mean it's easy.

I've just been really working hard at protecting myself and I can't keep myself safe at all times mistakes happen things do happen even if people mean to we're not not that she's innocent and all this because f*** her. I'm just really tired of crying and I'm tired of people pretending to care and I know that's not my call to make I can't just assume that's what's happening because maybe that is them giving me their genuine care and interest. But sometimes it does just feel like a dog and pony show. That's why I don't

That's why I don't like sharing with my best friend because even though she doesn't understand she tries really hard to pretend like she can help in some way she thinks I want her to help me in. That's never what I want from anybody. We actually had a conversation about that and not just want you to show up as yourself. I much rather prefer genuine and authentic to trying to f****** hard.. that's why I don't share with my mom because I don't like being pushed to the side and pushed onto religion so she doesn't have to help me. Because that's more or less what it feels like. You don't know what to do to help me but instead of just being there or maybe trying to figure something out you just push religion on me Jesus saves all. But sometimes I just need a dog and to talk. Why I shared with Candice because she wasn't that way she knew and understood and sharing was easy because even when we kind of didn't really know what to tell each other like I have we're just there for each other and I thought that was safe. I thought it was okay. But I also don't understand how I thought line and myself the entire time would end in me being happy so there is that