enter, petty

I did a thing because I'm angry and want to get under her skin.

I unblocked her, followed her, unfollowed her, and blocked her again. 

I reeeeeeaaally hope she gets that notification. And I hope it either makes her smile or makes her nervous.

If it makes her smile, I really fucking hope she is so confused when she clicks on the notification and nothing happens. If it makes her nervous, I hope she sweats all fucking day while she spends it looking over her shoulder, just to click the notification and it be nothing.

And I really hope she asks me about it so I can look confused and go 'no' and walk away.

It's time for a taste of your own medicine.

I just want to hurt her like she hurt me. I want to confuse her so she knows how it feels. And I hope me banishing her off her own island makes her feel like a guilty piece of shit every single time she sees me enjoying someone else and paying her dust.

.....all that and I honestly don't even know that she'll get the notification lolol.

It's Gemini season, bitch.

What's next?

~

And now I'm full crying.

I don't deserve any of this. I really don't.

She refuses to give me what I ask for and for what?

I'm just really hurt because I honestly believed I could trust this person and I be safe.

I'm not safe with her. I don't know this version of her. I don't want this.

I don't know when things changed or how or why. It literally makes me nauseous. 

She makes me feel sick. Having to be around her makes me feel sick.

She's not taking my feelings into consideration. She hasn't been. As soon as I told her I liked her, she took full advantage of this situation.

And yesterday she was the worst version of herself. Pretending, trying to force everything to be fine and seem ok between us.

Fuck you. 

And I keep picturing her girlfriend sitting at my table last night. Enjoying her girlfriend's work event. Sooooooo happy.

Meanwhile, I still can't get your bitch off of me.

I tell her I like her? She leans in and then says we can still talk. She knows it can be awkward and weird. 

Fuck you. Because if you know that, why extend the very thing I told you confuses me back t me? And then when I tell you I don't want it, you get upset.

I tell her not to check in on me and she does everything but that. Are you coming tonight? I'll see you there? What kind of fuck shit is that?!

Is that really how you should be talking to someone who likes you? Did you think I'd blush and get butterflies? Did you think I'd be running up under you?

And that whole time, you knew your girlfriend was gonna be there.

I give you nothing when we see each other at the gym and you proceed to go out of your way to infiltrate my interactions with people last night. And that whole 'aRe YoU hAvInG a GoOd TiMe'

What the fuck do you think? You fucking bitch. 

Why does that matter? Why do I matter to you? Your girlfriend was right there. Entertain yourself with her. Do all the everythings with her.

Why are you worried about me?

Why did you need to keep cornering me?

Did you expect me to beg you for attention and affection? Did you expect me to continually run up behind you?

And, honestly, she's acting how you'd think I'd act. Trying to get me to laugh, steadily asking me how I'm doing, finding reasons to talk to me, putting herself in my circles. 

Usually the person with the crush has to be doused in cold water to get them to get the picture. But in this case, I doused myself and she can't seem to get the picture.

~

We've gone from being really close, to us running away from each other, to me blocking her to initiate distance, to her being upset, to me telling her I like her, to her leaning in again, to me pushing her away, her saying we can be close again, me saying no, to her being weird and looking at me like I'm her worst fear, to her trying to be normal and me treating her as if she doesn't exist.

~

I literally asked for one thing. One thing.

One fucking thing and she couldn't even give me that.

I asked for space. And while I spend time trying to make sense of this new dynamic, she's plotting against me that whole time. She was working to carve out a her shaped whole that she could fit back into.

What a bitch. 

~

I'm also happy I have my downstairs friend's texts to go back to because they confirm just how fucked that situation was.

Even still, sometimes I doubt what I know to be true.

She has continued to try and string me along for her own selfish reasons.

Bitch.

~

I followed dog coach on Instagram.

...we shall see.

~

I'm high and what my new gay friend told me just hit me-- gym girl did bait me just to keep me around.

Me. Me?

She knows I legit have 2 therapists right now. She knows I don't need to talk to her for anything. She wants me.

Ohmygah. That's crazy lol.

The watered down acts of jealousy last night? She wants me.

She has a girlfriend and she wants me?

I'm about to cry laughing. Because I don't get what's so great about me. I'm worth risking a relationship? Hearing about all my sad shit is worth blurring the lines?

....that's absurd. 

But ohmygah she's right lol. She wants to keep me around. 

Nigga, I'm not even putting out 😂😂😂

Get the fuck outta here, oh my gah.

But also,...oh no. I'm not even having sex with her. She hasn't even tried to seduce me or get sex out of me. She hasn't put me in any position to like touch me inappropriately or anything. She hasn't asked me out, we aren't sneaking around.

She just wants me.

.....oh shit.

Just having intimate conversations is enough to make her wanna keep me around? She wants to hear about my hot mess express? Not sex or anything else like that?

I haven't given her anything besides a bunch of trauma and therapy stories. No money, no real flirting, no dirty texts, no dirty pics, no nothing.

....oh fuck.

I think I'm actually in trouble.

She doesn't want anything from me other than emotional intimacy (that's both a statement and a question).

And not only did I just tell her no, I full on iced her out yesterday. So not only is she not getting the part of me she wants, she's not even the pieces of me she was probably gonna settle for.

Of course she was gonna act out yesterday.

Lo-eeeeeeellll. Ohmygah. That's kinda sweet. 

But it doesn't change anything. 

But she is prooooooobably gonna show her ass before it's all said and done.

At least my Dom got to hear me bend to his will sexually. Hell, he's even seen me fully, frankly naked.

He's never even touched me and he fell in love with me...

Ohmygah.....

Holy shit. People like me. Nor for real sex either. Not for money. Not for other dumb shit.

Just me. 

That man literally wants to fly over and stay with him for a vacation. He's never even touched me.

I'm never gonna be able to have a one night stand.