she is emotionally unavailable

My lesbian friend said this in ou text conversation last week. 

I glossed over it but KEPT thinking about it.

And, she most DEFINITELY is, ohmygah.

I'd read a few articles about it in passing and was like 'meh, could be' but a Lesbian TikTok served me an 'emotional unavailable' search bar aaaaand I said 'lemme see what's in here'

Let me tell you what, she's in there.

Running up behind me and then running away, just out of a long-term relationship and also her first lesbian marriage.

And the way I wait for her and she makes my heart race? My body's reaction to her uncertainty based on my own trauma, which is literally the reason I went to therapy but I NEEEEEEVER put it together.

AND of course that's what it is. I made the connection between me and my Dom and her and her girlfriend. We both have similar traumas, we both chose to be in relationships with people miles away from us....I WAS EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE BEFORE MEETING HER.

The only difference is I'm still in therapy facing and figuring my shit out.

She is not.

So unfortunate. Maybe now she'll go back.

I knew it was odd to see her in a relationship when she'd just gone through a divorce, especially a long distance one.

Because my logic with my Dom was 'yes, I want to get these things out of a relationship but I dont want intimacy because I don't want anyone close enough for me to get wrapped in and broken by. So I'm gonna choose someone literally physically unavailable to be to prevent that from happening and then I can have the best of both worlds because it's easier to push people away when they, quite literally, are not there'

The only difference is I was kind enough to set up an honest arrangement. 

So I'm certain when she heard me say she doesn't do intimacy, she perked up a little because neither does she, beneath the surface.

But then we just grew closer and closer and closer only for shit to hit the fan.

And she keeps wanting me around because of the same reason she has a long distance girlfriend: 'if I can get this intimacy out of her but not be in a real relationship with her, I get the best of both worlds.'

Nooooooo...

No you don't, love.

~

So that partnered with the fact that she just literally made herself available to me again? And I told her no?

I've got some research to do.

~

So research just repeated everything I told me therapist last week: I'm gonna be kind, it's not my problem to fix, she can't leave her girlfriend or fix herself for me, and I do still like her but I'm not settling for what she's willing to offer.

And she really does try, as crazy as that sounds.

And I know she likes me because I personally know how difficult it is to have built this situationship knowing the consequences of us being is such close proximity.

That whole 'I know I haven't been around lately?' Correct. 

She has a lot of work to do. And I'll be more than happy to support her but I cannot be intimate with her as she is right now.