what living looks like

"she knows she hasn't been there lately and how she has just been trying to be there for me" Fuck.  Why would she say that? And then show up? And then to come into the open gym to speak to me when her girlfriend was there? Unlike she did last time. And then keep finding ways to be near and around me in front of her girlfriend? And then waiting for me at the front desk? Outside the bathroom?

I told me CBT therapist that I find it easier to doubt than believe what I know to be true about gym girl because a part of me still doesn't believe she could be attracted to me and my ugly parts. So I cling to doubt when it arrives. I shared a moment where I chose myself by choosing the rodeo I wanted over the trip to Atlanta I was only gonna do out of obligation.  She asked how my mom was doing.  I got in my car and realized she may have asked that because of the whole codependency thing I have going. I spent Friday night and Saturday with my friend in Dallas. We talk about me deciding to not go to Atlanta because I don't think I'm gonna enjoy it. It feels more like a chore than fun. And she said how that friend already has a bunch of stuff planned and how she has been trying to pin her to her plans to keep from over spending. And I was like 'see, no. That wasn't how that trip was supposed to go' And we talked about how she doesn't want to feel like she...

Time today I've had a really difficult time today I've been crying a lot and I don't know what to do with myself I do hate her. I don't like her. I wish I never met her. Just cannot fathom somebody knowing everything that I've been through a good majority of the stuff that I've been through and sharing in that experience but then turn around and be the same person to treat me terribly. I don't think I will ever understand that. I don't think I will ever have enough Grace to give somebody to do that to me and get away with it. I'm just really tired of being in places I don't belong. Gym girl with her girlfriend that really didn't bother me but it was like a reminder of just like I don't belong there And because I can really see how her treating me and my sister treated me or not the same but they are very similar in the way that they hurt. And I don't know if I can do I'm really scared because I don't know if I can handle teach...

You keep breaking my heart and you don't even know it.  You don't know how confusing you are.  You don't know what it takes to push you away. I have done the right things. I keep trying. I keep telling myself I'm making progress. I know I'm making progress.  But there's still a tiny part of my that hopes and I don't know what to tell her. I don't know what to tell her when she dreams of what could be. I don't know what to tell her when she tries to find clues you may be leaving.  I don't know what to tell her when she starts overanalyzing.  I don't know what to tell her when she sees you. But I do know what it feels like.  To be disappointed by someone who knows my struggles and my pains.  To be constantly led astray by your good intentions.  To be boxed in by your jealousy, cornered by your presence, but abandoned as needed.  I don't get that same privilege.  I don't get to abandon you. In fact, I try.  I have tried so fucking hard...

I feel afraid but I don't really know why.  I partially think spending time with my family yesterday did it. They scare me. ~ And after a quick Google search, I think I was right: "Your perception about safety, sense of the world you live in, and your beliefs about life are all questioned and the ground you walk on no longer feels solid" They don't look like me. They no longer feel like me. But at the same time, we are genetically connected. What if I the work I've done doesn't matter? What if deep down to my core, I am just like them? Being around them yesterday sort of made me feel hopeless.  ~ Aaaaaand she's still with her girlfriend.  So that's great. I really need to start dating. I'm not surprised. A little irritated.  I really need to commit to pushing her away. I really want to commit to pushing her away. Let's start with my porn choices. Fuck. 

My.ring finger has been itching/twitching since this morning. I was at my fran's apartment, sitting on her couch and it started hurting like it was being pinched. We also watched a Netflix movie called Dare to Dream.  It was really good and very reminiscent of my gym girl situation.

YOUR WHY I really do want to become a therapist.  Even as a kid, that was something I wanted to do early on. Back then, I psyched myself out because I thought becoming a therapist would make me discover that I was crazy. So what changed? Being in therapy with different therapists. The experience of different trained professionals letting me lead the way as the guide me has made a huge difference. It's given me a boost of confidence and a trust in my knowledge.  Like with my therapy Instagram. Going into it, and still sometimes now, I thought 'I'm not a trained professional, how can I actually help people' yadda yadda. More and more, I started leaning into simply sharing my journey. Encouraging people, sharing the things I know, being honest about the way I think-- just being myself and knowing that's enough. And I've done a fairly good job at making healthy decisions when I can, reaching out for help when I need it, and not being so hard on myself. And being in ...

I am on the toilet looking at Astrology. Why, you ask? Because on my way back from volunteering, which was a blast btw an old man there called me pretty, I was like 'huh, I do know gym girl's birthday now. lemme see what the astrological of it all is.' I don't really follow astrology but it does pique my interest from time to time. I'm a curious person who loves to know so in times like these, I go to the charts for extra umph. Mistake. She's an Aquarius, apparently, and her compatibles? Aquarius, Libra, Gemini, Leo, Sagittarius, Aries. I'm a fucking Gemini. I mean, there are five more options there but I was kind of hoping to not be on the list. That way I could use that to go 'see, we aren't a thing' ~ Aaaaaand I just clicked one link offhandedly aaaaaand guess who the two most compatible soulmates for an Aquarius are? Geminis and Libras. ...damn. ~ At the movies, looking at my author friend's Stories for book recs. She recommended one boo...

Now that I understand her actions, I'm not as pissed. I keep going to her Instagram because 'has she posted her girlfriend, they were together all week and nothing?' I know that means nothing. And seeing her face still makes me angry.  Because she did take advantage of the situation but she also fucked herself because she can't avoid me forever.  Unless she does move away. Now I just feel equally sad for her as I am mad at her. She needs to get back in therapy.  I keep coming up with different things to help her but I can't help her until she helps herself. And even then, it still doesn't guarantee that I won't be hurt again. ...fuck.  ~ I finished cooking, baking, and washing.  Put antifreeze in my car, added windshield wiper fluid, and I saw a pack of headlights and was like 'oh, my other one just went out. Lemme put this one in' Turns out, it's the wrong one. So then I asked my mom to run me to Walmart, I go put on Walmart clothes, go to put u...

My lesbian friend said this in ou text conversation last week.  I glossed over it but KEPT thinking about it. And, she most DEFINITELY is, ohmygah. I'd read a few articles about it in passing and was like 'meh, could be' but a Lesbian TikTok served me an 'emotional unavailable' search bar aaaaand I said 'lemme see what's in here' Let me tell you what, she's in there. Running up behind me and then running away, just out of a long-term relationship and also  her first lesbian marriage. And the way I wait for her and she makes my heart race? My body's reaction to her uncertainty based on my own trauma, which is literally the reason I went to therapy but I NEEEEEEVER put it together. AND of course that's what it is. I made the connection between me and my Dom and her and her girlfriend. We both have similar traumas, we both chose to be in relationships with people miles away from us....I WAS EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE BEFORE MEETING HER. The only di...

I did a thing because I'm angry and want to get under her skin. I unblocked her, followed her, unfollowed her, and blocked her again.  I reeeeeeaaally hope she gets that notification. And I hope it either makes her smile or makes her nervous. If it makes her smile, I really fucking hope she is so confused when she clicks on the notification and nothing happens. If it makes her nervous, I hope she sweats all fucking day while she spends it looking over her shoulder, just to click the notification and it be nothing. And I really hope she asks me about it so I can look confused and go 'no' and walk away. It's time for a taste of your own medicine. I just want to hurt her like she hurt me. I want to confuse her so she knows how it feels. And I hope me banishing her off her own island makes her feel like a guilty piece of shit every single time she sees me enjoying someone else and paying her dust. .....all that and I honestly don't even know that she'll get the noti...

I did it! I went to the gym social. I had a good time, iced out gym girl. It was fantastic. My friend ended up coming right after I came and she brought her husband. He was really nice, we had a good time. I haven't laughed that hard-- since last week because I went to the thing we work lol. Okay-- but gym girl. So I was really really nervous about seeing her today. I went to the gym, changed my clothes and I saw her car. I got there and parking is weird because they're doing work on the parking area-- whatever. I go in, I change, I come out, and everything was fine. Dog Coach was there with the dog was like 'hey are you going to the social tonight.' But in the back of my mind I was like 'last time you asked me that, there was something else happening and I don't want any of that tonight.' So, I got my workout started. I got on the bike and started breathing and pedaling.  And, about 17 minutes in, I could hear her talking to gym girl up front. And my heart ...

I have been really looking forward to the week of Valentine's Day. I bought the cutest headband and earrings to wear to make myself feel good and love on myself to distract myself from gym girl and the fact that I am still single. I need to get on the apps... Damn. Anyways, I was excited because I had a plan to not feel shitty on Valentine's Day. And now a gym-girl-girlfriend sized wrench has been thrown right on in there. ~ I just cannot believe that while I've been actively working to but space between us, she has been doing the opposite. And now, this? What the actual fuck. ~ And cue the crying. I am so fucking angry. Because I've done everything in my power to fix things and make my situation as healthy as I can. And this entire time I thought we were on the same page. But then the hair compliment, the hair flip flirting, the dancing in my face she just fucking did. I'm not letting her off the hook anymore. You wanna talk? Start by explaining yourself. You know ...

Currently overthinking a gym text I got this morning. Seeing as how 1. It's another goal review text, even though I've already turned that down twice now.  2. I think it's only partially automated because there's a latter part of it that says 'me'. But I don't know who me is 3. I'm scared it's gym girl but a part of me is also hoping it's gym girl because we just talked about how coaching is fine. And if I were her and the only way to get to me would be through coaching, guess what I would up the ante on? ~ I just declined the offer. But I strongly considered also taking advantage of this situation because what if it was her? But what if it was her? Not gonna lie, I even looked at the calendar and googled gym goal ideas for inspo... ~ They're still texting me. But I don't know who it is. ~ I couldn't figure out a way to ask who it was but the texts have ended. I declined the review because I don't have goals. They said 'ah, ha...