this is MY life

Last night I went and saw the duck movie called Migration. 

I politely fell asleep twice lol. But it ended up being a pretty decent movie.

There were a couple times when I felt like I was over it and I wanted to get up and walk out. But I knew a part of that was me wanting to go sulk at home instead be distracted at the movies.

And I'm tired to sulking. So I decided to stay.

But once it was over, and momma and daddy duck started being all cute and romantic and dancing, I got right on up outta there. 

And as soon as I turned my nose up with the thought of 'two ducks get to find their person and have a happy ending and I don't. What kind of crap is rhat'

I heard God say 'if I take care of the birds?'

And I internally rolled my eyes and said 'how much more [would He do for me, His people]'

Ok, God.

And I booked a gym class for today.

I wasn't going to because I was still getting over my cold so I was gonna stay in and rest. But I woke up this morning and could take a full deep breath without struggling, so I no longer had an excuse not to show up.

So I'm holding God to it.

~

....sooooo, the gym texted everyone this morning.

I wasn't going to write about it because all they did was ask for everyone's Join Date and birthday.

Simple enough.

Buuuuuut then someone politely responded "Thanks. Are you on Facebook or Instagram? We want to make sure you join those communities too."

Did I freak out? You bet your ass.

Did I scramble for thoughts? Big yep.

But then I paused and thought it out. My first thought was 'i don't wanna respond, what do I say?' But then I heard myself-- I don't want to respond.

So I'm not responding.

I marked it as read and I am going about my day. And if anyone asks me I'm just gonna say I do, but I prefer to not to connect online. Something like that.

Timing is just fucking fantastic but I'm standing firm as shit.

It feels good. 

Also, the volunteer people reached out to me!!!!! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!

I have a follow up call tomorrow!

~

I'm feeling guilty about it now and a little scared.

I'm not gonna change my mind or my actions because they are for me. They serve me. They are what's best for me.

And I'm gonna validate these feelings because my Parts are fighting to keep me socially safe.

But I am ok.

~

I still like her. I still miss her. 

I still am no longer willing to live in the grey and trap myself in this codependent behavior.