the letdown effect
I hit my happiness limit last night.
This is the first time I saw it coming and was able to sort of brace for impact.
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I honestly feel like Letdown Days are harder for me than just a regular bad day.
Letdowns remind me that I cannot emotionally handle being as happy as I can be.
I know that doesn't stop me from trying to be my happiest self. I know if just means I require a little extra love and care.
But how fucking sad? To know I have a happiness ceiling and being really happy makes me really sad.
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I can be happy. I deserve happiness.
It's just going to take some practice.
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I'm very happy right now.
So happy it feels kind of scary and a bit manic. Definitely not getting high tonight and definitely gonna need to take things slow tomorrow.
So, what has happened?
- I filled out my volunteer application and background check and submitted it.
- I signed up for a CE Class she recommended
- And I chose a class to sit in on. She later told me everyone is tickled I chose that one because it's their largest class.
- And I'm gonna schedule time to meet them! She gave me a window of today because she's also excited but I told her I had to get all of our deposits done. And I'm glad I did.
- I had a nice lunch with my work friend today.
- I got a text from gym girl about doing my body scan. I did freak out immediately. Then I thought about it and went with my feelings. I really didn't want to do it. I didn't want to be in a room alone with her again. I really didn't want to commemorate the last three shitty months on paper.
- So I told her I wanted to skip this one and thanks.
- I was able to get my deposits done right under time.
- My boss texted a compliment about my cake to my work friend. It made me smile.
- I went to the gym and gym girl was at the front desk showing the new chatty coach something on the computer. It immediately reminded me of the day I walked in and saw her at the desk next to Nipple Boy. And I was like 'oh fuck, it's happening again'
- She had a short smile and spoke to me monotonically with that look in her eye like she could see my soul. And he spoke. He was so enthusiastic when he spoke to me and told me I was right on time (sir,...for what exactly). My eyes went back and forth between them and I didn't even try to hold her stare. I just looked at the ground and went to change.
- I sat on the couch and read for almost 20 mins before class. It was so right on time that I sort of panicked a little while I was reading it. So I had to put it down.
- I laughed with my gym friend as she was leaving class.
- I laughed with my coach friend as she was passing the mic to the next coach.
- Gym girl ended up being in class with us but I couldn't quite keep track of her.
- I was really cute in my gym outfit. It's one I wear weekly, but she's never seen it. It's a little athletic quarter zip Cheer pullover.
- At one point, as we were practicing our deadlifts, she came over, laughing and jokingly said 'this is how you're going to be doing your deadlifts' and starting outrageously flipping her ponytail back and forth. And I started full-on laughing and said 'it's not even that long'
- Also, is that really how people see me? As a 'pretty girl'?
- She was really chatty with a coach I like lol. She came up to me and worked with me on my deadlifts. I love her energy; it's always a good time. I actually ended up hitting a really big PR today because of her. (I do think it had a little to do with putting some space between me and the chatty coach. We usually only have 1 coach and 1 assistant, but she stayed after the class she taught to help. And, coincidence or not, I'm grateful.)
- As I was bringing weight back to lift with a friend, gym girl was talking to and checking on her. Apparently she'd scratched her finger putting weight on the barbell? Idk. It seemed a little 'put on a show' because even the girl said 'it's ok, we won't be using that part (that scratched her) to lift.
- As she was standing there, I found myself looking for a ring on her finger. I know fml.
- I hit a PR today on my deadlift! Which is a really big deal because I haven't had the mental capacity to lift heavy at all the last 2 months at least.
- I did wish that she would come over to see me, to coach me SEVERAL times.
- I did struggle towards the end, but we talked about it and she pushed me through. She was pumped, I was pumped. It was great.
- She did really really want me to ring our PR bell. This is the second time a coach has insisted I do that this week. I was like "aaaaabsolutely not" She was persistent and I almost did it. I just broke and told her I don't like being the center of attention. She caved and said 'what if...would you hate me?' And I smiled and said ".....maybe a little" And she said 'but would you like me the next day' and I laughed and said yes. She said 'ok' and ran off.
- She ran into my regular Friday coach who I like and was telling him, and he said 'yeah, you'll have to hit it for her because she won't do it' And I laughed.
- I started putting my stuff away and heard her ringing the bell as she yelled across the room, '__ PR'd, ___ PR'd, ____ PR'd'
- I'm taking a break here now because, how is this my life? How did I get so luck? I still don't really understand why people like me but they do. And when they do stuff like this-- it just really makes me feel good to be seen but also respected. And now I'm tearing up. This was supposed to be a quick entry, but here I am, endlessly typing. My food is gonna get cold.
- I just kind of tensed up a little as people cheered but did not turn around. I just continued to make myself busy as I panicked a little. It was overwhelming but not in a bad way that made me mad. It just made me a tad bid of a good uncomfortable.
- The coaches came over one by one to congratulate me and gym girl was last. It was a quick high five but I couldn't look at her. I just looked at her hand and said thanks.
- I may have swooned just a little. Fuck.
- Stay strong.
- And then we did the final workout which I finished under time! That rarely happens.
- Gym girl did come over twice during that one. Once to laugh a little and move a box that honestly was not in my way. And another to correct my form.
- And then class ended and she wasn't around.
- I chatted a bit with my friend and then I left.
....fuck, I don't want to get caught in her web again.
Things have to be different this time. They have to be.
Also, I talked to my best friend today and she's really starting to concern me. I already had a feeling she started therapy because of me. Today she mentioned she's gonna look into starting EMDR with another therapist. First of all, that's not how that works. Secondly, that's no small feat and it's sure as shit not a casual task. So I asked her with a tone of 'don't do that' if she was trying to start that right now. And she said 'no, but definitely the first quarter of the year'. So I let her have it in that moment, but before we got off the phone I reminded her just how difficult therapy really is. I reminded her why it's important to know your motivation for starting because it will get difficult. And when it does, you need to remember what you're in it for. And I shared a traumatic event that I recently remembered about my dog being put down while I was in school and I came home to the news, no warning, no grieving. Just we had to put your dog down today, here, go clean your room. And I explained how yes, I can manage my triggers, but managing reliving moments like that without warning and hard. And that's part of the EMDR process.
I don't think she really understands the weight of what she's doing.
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