new perspective

I had a new perspective of gym girl last night while I was high.

Not something I was expecting nor did I think it would happen because I literally just got brain spotting done. Literally yesterday.

I don't think she's the villain I'd like her to be so I can have a reason to not like her.

I don't think she's this badass Marine or this really badass champion of physical fitness.

She's just gym girl, a human person just trying to find her footing.

Someone who probably, genuinely was really was nervous when she told me her favorite movie, when she opened the wrong door for me. Someone who really does like me. Someone who really does need help with the gym's social media. Someone who really did meet my eyes and throw me a genuine smile during that competition. Someone who knew I was having a bad day the instant she saw me. Because she really can see me, even though she embarrassingly denied that being the case. Someone who stared at me that day, someone who worked out with me that day, because she feels something.

Felt something.

I don't think I've given her the grace she probably deserves.

It didn't hit me until my work friend was berating her character. And I'm all for shit talking and even if I don't feel the same way, I keep my mouth shut to keep the peace.

The first thing I thought to myself as she was doing that was 'I've literally spent time with this girl. She wouldn't hurt a fly'.

I don't think she's this mastermind seductress.

I think she's sensitive, just like she said. And of course her girlfriend would find it funny if she still sees gym girl as this badass Marine, competitor, entrepreneur go-getter.

She's literally just a girl.

A girl who probably tried to make her first marriage work even though she wasn't into it, who tried everything, even things she didn't want to do, to make her second one work. A girl who really is trying to figure out how to successfully run a business, a business that might truly need the skills I have. A girl that really is friends with the crowd that found me because she was a member at the gym longer than she's been an owner. 

A girl who probably is genuinely confused. A girl who didn't think I was into her, a girl who tried to balance being a respectful coach but also wanting to get to know me better, probably legitimately thought she'd gotten to close to me and ignored me that day out of shame as well as guilt. A girl who really didn't want to hurt me, hence the meeting the next day.

A girl that really was shocked that I liked her. The more I thought about it, it makes sense. And I know I say that QUITE a bit lol.

But hear me out:

Why else would she have immediately been defensive after I told her I liked her? She probably thought I was planning to reprimand her and shame this gay girl for attaching herself to me, a 'straight' in her mind, under the guise of her title.

Why else she immediately start blushing when it clicked with her what I was saying? She probably spent a lot of her life trying to befriend girls platonically only to be bullied because she wasn't girly enough or shamed because they assumed she wanted more. She probably assumed I was just another girl in a sea of others who was ending a friendship based on her actions or my assumptions about her actions.

Why else would she blankenly stare for so long? Robotically ask if I blocked her because of her girlfriend? Because she'd internalized everything as her fault. Maybe she didn't think I was attracted to her so it was all a surprise.

It would explain why she asked if I'd talked about it in therapy. Because when we talked on the phone in Branson, I told her I talk about her in therapy because I can't quite figure out where to place her. 

It would explain why she asked about how I expected things to go as far as coaching. And her shock in me saying that was fine and I could separate the two. Just no emotional stuff.

Because she had a hard time separating the two. She still does. From running away from my Instagram videos about my workouts to her calling herself coach and asking me about how I was doing.

It would explain why she said thank you and she was flattered. And robotically said she was in a committed relationship.

She wasn't expecting a confession, she was expecting a negative confrontation.

It would explain why she said that thing about something like this only happening one time before. What if she meant think that? What if literally only one other person has ever confessed their feelings to her.

What if she only brought up her girlfriend during our meetings to remind me that she has a girlfriend and that's why it's for us to be having such heavy, intimate conversations. Because I'm straight and she's gay but I'm safe because she has a girlfriend.

If I actually thought for a second that she would, I would have never done any of this with her. 

I did this because it felt right. I wanted to because I wanted her.

I just never expected her to want me.

Me, curvy but twice her size, with acne scars, a hair pulling disorder, daddy issues, nervous, living at home with her family, regular income, a little bit of debt, basic, stick up the butt, fighter loner girl with two therapists.

But what if she does see me?

The me I often times choose not to see (cause trauma).

Me, this sensitive, kind, brave go-getter, who loves to smile, loves to laugh, who doesn't take shit, who dresses up in the funnest ways, who's working on herself because all she really wanted to do is love her niece.

What if we're both just two people who genuinely thought they were paying it safe, even though lines were being crossed left, right, and center?

And I know. I fucking know how all this sounds. 

Couldn't give a shit. 

If I'm wrong, I'll take it on the chin. 

I just know what it's like to be seen as this person that has it so together that there is no way they don't have everything in the palm of their hand, manipulating the world to serve them how they see fit.

Life's more complicated than that.

People are more complicated than that. 

And it's not fair of me to assume she's this perfect person that always knows what she's doing.

It's not too much credit, it's too much pressure.

I had envisioned her to be this everything-- titles, accomplishments, strong, impenetrable etc. But never envisioned her to just be herself-- a human being trying to figure out life as best she can.