first day volunteering

Today has been a whirlwind so far.

Right now, I'm at a venue waiting on the Candlelight Concert Adele Tribute to start.

This morning, I got dressed in a chunky sweater to be comfortable for the volunteering but warm for the weather. I grabbed my clothes for tonight,.put on some cute earrings and left the house.

My drive in to work was nice. I had a good time.

I got to work, immediately got busy.

Then there was a knock on the door and I was the only one on office.

So I ran to the front and there was a man in our door window. And then I opened and there was another man with him. Immediately what the fuck moment lol.

Turns out, they were there to fix the heat for our sublease-- that was closed lol.

But I didn't know that until I took them downstairs. So I called my boss and asked her what I should do. She did some digging and found a lockbox code. So I ran around, opened the door, let them in. Ran back upstairs to grab my things, locked up and went to volunteer.

I looked at the time as I was leaving and it had me arriving right on time. So I skedaddled right on over there, as fast and safe as I could.

I got there, a little nervous but in tact. Happy.

I went in, found the front desk and got directions to the room everyone was in.

I met the Art team lead, met another newbie volunteer and got right to it.

Time of my life.

At one point, I was walking to throw something away and thought to myself 'I'm gonna cry later'. I was so happy.

The seniors were so freaking nice.

We passed out wooden snowflakes, paint, canvases, plates, paintbrushes, glitter lol.

They love glitter.

And I had a moment where I wished gym girl was there with me.

But I had a blast. Walking around to help, pick up messes, oo and ah at their art. They were so happy to be putting art together.

It was really sweet.

And now I'm waiting for the concert to start.

I've been excited all day about it but two things:

1. I did cry today on the way over here

2. I forgot how romantic and couple-ee this would be

Why did I cry?

...I don't fucking know.

...

...I do know,. obviously *eye roll*

I cried because I got sad. 

I got sad because I thought about her.

About how much I'd love to tell her about my life and how much it has changed. How much joy I've found and felt. The people, my experiences, everything.

But I can't.

But she also opened that door right before Christmas.

I did the math and when she texted me it had been almost 2 months exactly since we had the talk. And it had been 4 months since we started avoiding each other completely.

It hurts to even type that.

I really fucking miss talking with her.

And it sucks. And it made me sad.

So I cried. Go figure.

Things I thought were too hard were really easy with her and now don't have that.

And I don't know that I ever will have that again. With anyone. But especially with her.

And that makes me sad.

So there's that.

And I have been wondering where her head was at when she texted me. The emotional stuff was off the table. It has been unspokenly off the table for 2 months and clearly off the table for another 2.

But then she texted me to see how I was doing. 

Why...

I get she risked alot sharing, being, and doing all the things with me, not knowing where I landed. But also, she had a girlfriend so I didn't think that mattered. 

She has a girlfriend.

So, yeah. Yep.

I don't know.

And then yesterday the new girl grabbed my shoulders and weirded me smooth out.

We'd just finished working out and I was standing there, breathing hard, trying not to vomit, looking at the ground.

And then I saw her approaching me, getting closer. Then she was too close and I started tensing up.

And then she was in my personal space. And then she put both on her hands on either of my shoulders and just stood there for a second.

And I froze. I couldn't even look at her.

My body locked up and my first thought was 'oh no, why are you touching me'

My second thought: 'gym girl'

I thought this new girl was weird but I thought I was just being mean. She's only been nice to me but I felt like she's been too nice and really up my ass alot.

And so yesterday, instead of ignoring her during our first workout and moving away from her, I invited her to lift with me. I wanted to give her a chance and not get in my own way.

Shoulda went with my gut cause I bet she wouldn't have randomly grabbed me if I hadn't done that. 

It's odd.

Really odd.

So add that to the confusing things that happen to me at the gym.

*heavy sigh*

Dammit lol.

The one person I want to be weird with, I can't.

But I wonder if that will ever change.

I think there will always be a small part of me that holds out hope.

Because no one has ever looked at me that way.