dang, man

All those feelings, the connection we shared wasn't enough. 

That hurts. 

I am also entertaining the thought that maybe she blushed that day because I blew up her spot. Maybe she'd been ignoring me to get me out of her head and took it personal when I blocked her. And honestly, why even be upset about that, if she was upset.

You ignore me in real-life but I bottle it up and keep it moving. I block her on social media and now we have a problem?

And then the way she was all nervous when I told her we should talk. 

It's all very strange. 

And I'm only writing this because I'm thinking about it. I got up to pee and here we are. 

Instead of being mad at myself, I'm to 'yes and how can I take care of myself right now'

And the answer is journaling.

~

I can't believe I did this. All of this was for what?

To upset me so much I started EMDR?!

I keep questioning if the risk was worth any of this? How much of myself did I neglect?

~

I have cried so much behind this. 

That reminds me of when I did my body scan with her and she texted me the next morning to check in because 'she'd been thinking about our talk last night.' I gave her honesty but also tried pushing her away by saying 'this morning has been rough but I'm managing' Something along those lines. And that's when she asked 'how can I help' And I was like 'fuck, I'm trying to stay away from her'. And I tried to brush her off. And she told me to come in and talk to her. After I read that text, I immediately started tearing up from frustration. I didn't understand why she was so adamant about helping me when she doesn't even fucking know me. 

And that was the start of everything. 

I wish now that I'd tried harder to push her away.

Remembering that also reminds me of how determined she can be. Fuck.

I am gonna have to have a talk with her again.

I still do no understand why she's so adamant about helping me. And this is after we flew too close to the sun, after she literally ignored and walked right past me, after she made her self less available to me, after she started avoiding me. After I blocked her, after I sat down and told her I liked her and we can't be friends, after things were weird.

It feels like I just can't have my peace.

I don't know what she wants. Not that I'm willing to give her whatever that may be. I just don't understand her perspective and her motive still feels murky to me.

I don't want to do this with her again and I'm really scared of what happens now because I've never been here before.

I honestly thought she'd keep avoiding me but even more so after our last sit down. I'm confused as to why that's not happening.

~

I just went to our FW office and dropped off cake.

I also think I want to start using names on this thing. Idk. I know doing an online diary runs the risk of being caught but I'm scared that I'm going forget people.

...but maybe if I forget them, it's for the best. Idk.

Anyway, I made that Chocolate Chip Cake for my traditional New Year's make a cake thing and I dropped of some to TM. I actually went to pick up desk calendars but I decided to grab some cake and take it to him because I remember him saying he loves sweets lol.

I'm back and my desk and just got his email:

OH DAMN!! That is so awesome. Thanks for kick-starting my diabetes!

THANK YOU!

That makes me happy. And it tickled me lol.

~

Ya know, I was right. 

We are right back where we started.

I'm avoiding her and she's carrying on.

Except now she knows I like her, I verbally set boundaries with her, she knows my business, I know hers, and I've blocked any and every social media page I know she can access me from.