brain spotting

I had EMDR today.

And I was like 'woo I'm doing so much better than last time. This session is going to be great'

And I went in and we were catching up. And I told her the gym girl update. How I was thinking black and white and now I'm living more in the grey because that less logical, more realistic. Showed her my baby pictures.

I said I started volunteering, I have a cooking class tonight.

But of course, gym girl. I was like, it's fine. I'm not being ignored but it's starting to feel like things are ramping back up and I don't want to repeat the same mistakes as last year. And I've been having waves of memories come back to me

And I basically told her, her she's being friendly but it feels flirty and I don't want to start second guessing and reading into things.

I can't logic my way out of my emotions and it's difficult. She doesn't upset me but I don't want to get caught up again. 

And she was like well what if she is just doing her job, it'd be kind of hard to not talk to you.

And I deadpanned and was like she literally avoided me for months. To my face.

And we talked about how maybe we both trauma bonded to each other after I told her how I tried to explain away things last year. About how maybe because we experienced similar things and think the same way, of course we would share similarities in the way we heal.

I also don't think we trauma bonded but I have also considered that. And I told her I also shared a lot more with my work friend and that didn't happen. I'm not all up under her with big doe eyes, confused.

And sometimes I find myself wanting that friend back. That person I could share things with and they understood. The person that didn't flinch at my mess. The person that accepted me. 

But I'm not getting caught up again.

So she asked me what do I want.

And I told her I want her actions to feel like everyone else's in the gym.

And she asked the question again but more of a 'not what do you want from her, what do you want'.

And I was thinking to myself 'uuuuuhm what I just said, hello' lol

So I said I want to feel the same way about her actions as I do everyone else's. I want them to not feel like anything more than her just being kind.

At some point I stay crying a little because it was surprisingly emotional to talk about.

And she asked me about brain spotting. She gave me a quick intro and then asked me if I was up for trying it.

I said yes.

So she scooted 

~

Back from "cooking class" at work friend's friend's house. Twas fun. 

But really quickly, I was crying a mix of happy and sad and fear tears on the way home and it hit me. 

Work friend is always like 'youre gonna have to quit the gym, you have to quit the gym, you need to really quit the gym' She is convinced that gym girl is enemy of the state. She thinks she's this mastermind that got her hooks in me and is eating it up.

I've actually talked to and been around gym girl. She's not that bold and I really do not think she's a bad person. Honestly. Not this whole, 'i LiKe HeR, sHe WoUlD nEvEr Do ThAt To Me' 

No, I really believe non of this was intented to be what it was. It just happened.

And trust me, I've considered her being terrible ALOT. I have many an entry where I'm calling her every name in the book. But that doesn't change how I feel.

And I've thought of quitting a shit ton of times.

But I always land at no. No, I'm not quitting.

I mean, her girlfriend living here and joining the gym will definitely make me quit. No question.

But the gym holds more than gym girl for me. If she moved away from the gym, I'd still go regularly.

I didn't join the gym because of her. I didn't keep going to the gym because of her. I didn't push myself because of her. She wasn't even the first friend I made. I don't work out for her.

I work out for my fucking self and I'll be damned if I abandon me because of her.

Every which way I flip this fucking sucks.

She likes me but not enough to leave her girlfriend? Shitty

She likes toying with me? Shitty

She's manipulating me? Shitty

She's using me? Shitty

She's using me to fill a void in her relationship? Shitty

It's all shit. But at least in this scenario, I get to hold on to the gym.

The place I go to block out everything and just be present with my mind and body. It was so fucking hard putting myself out there to even join a gym by myself.

But I did it. For myself, by myself.

Everything I did was for me. I'm not letting her take away this one thing I get to have for myself, even if that means I don't get to have it to myself.

Villainizing her does nothing. Making assumptions does nothing. Reading between the lines does nothing. Fantasizing does nothing. 

None of the changes what happened or how I feel/felt.

Even if she professed her love for me tomorrow, all of that pain, all of that struggle doesn't just dissipate. It doesn't immediately disappear. 

My feelings are the same because I was hurt, whether she intended to do that or not. And how I take care of myself doesn't change based on the person. I'm still me, whether I decide to work around them or cut them out of my life completely. 

I am the only constant in my life (besides God, about out lol).

It goes back to what my therapist said "the relationship I have with myself is the longest relationship I'll ever have in my life"

It's not about doing what makes sense, it's about doing what makes sense for me.

And right now, leaving the gym would definitely make putting her out of my brain easy. But right now, it's not worth the loss of what I have at the gym as a whole. 

She's not gonna dictate how I move.

I do that.

I take care of me the best way I know how, using what I feel and what I know. 

It's like that saying "there's no one right way to raise a child"

Same for us raising ourselves. There is no one right way. Not every easy way is worth it. Not every hard way is either.

We go with what we know based on what we feel and hope for the best.

And I am hoping for the best. I have been hoping for the best.

I've just been disappointed, distracted, etc. And I realized today just how hard I've been on myself.

Without even realizing it, I got wrapped back in that perfectionism. Beating myself up over not getting something right. The whole 'I thought it through and it should have gone differently so why didn't it's

It didn't because people aren't numbers and life isn't math.

Life is not logical. 

And knowledge doesn't always make life easier. It just makes it easier to understand.

I can't spend my life in the black and white and expect to live in and leave behind such a beautiful array of colors.

I have to experience the spectrum in order to do that.

~

When I didn't like the last girl that worked with us, I was literally interviewing for jobs because I was ready to leave it behind.

She worked there longer than me, what if it was nothing, yadda yadda. Quitting was easier than dealing. So I got ready to quit. 

And then it hit me-- I kinda love this job, it's just her that fucking sucks. Is one person enough to make me quit something great.

Sure, anger is easier to process than grief because it just is. You can aim it, it can motivate you, but it's also almost invigorating to feel.

Grief is difficult. Very difficult.

But I feel the same way about staying at my job that I do about staying at the gym.

It's greater than my emotions towards one person.

~

If I could ask her one question and get a truthful answer, guaranteed, it wouldn't even be 'how do you feel about me'. Because I think I know that already and it really doesn't matter because it doesn't mean one thing or the other. 

It would be "what are you honestly doing"

Because she was ignoring me just fine for months. And now she's not. It's confusing and I'm done being confused.

...ok. I think I'll get back to my EMDR recap.

So she scooted close to me, told me what to do, and what to expect and we got started.

As soon as she hit my spot, I couldn't control my tears. She maneuvered this wand thing around to make sure it was the spot before she planted it on the ground. 

Then I looked at it and started just weeping while trying to hold it together. It's like I couldn't control it. And I poured my heart out.

I said everything I have basically journaled and made some new discoveries.

She said she mostly heard a lot of fear from me.

Fear that I messed up by doing this. Fear that I'll never have anything that special again. Shame and embarrassment because what if this is just what everyone feels and I'm just late to the party and nothing's special about any of this.  

Fear that I ruined our friendship. Scared of having these big emotions. Afraid of not being in control. Afraid that I won't get it right. Afraid that all this effort is for nothing. 

Afraid that I'm gonna get caught up in her again even though things are different now. Afraid of feeling so much hurt just to potentially end up with her in the future.

Wishing that I could just shut my feelings off the way I used to. But also not wanting to because I didn't think I even had emotions in me and now they're pouring out.

And wishing I could just cut her off like I would anyone else. I shut my own dad out for years. I didn't talk to him if I didn't have to and we were in the same house.

I had this fear that I'd never be enough for anyone or I'd be too much of a mess. But then I found this person who gave me so much I didn't know I wanted and I don't know what to do with that.

That sort of thing. 

I really don't want to dig at it anymore. 

There was fear, shame, resistance, embarrassment, anger.

But also knowing and reassurance, from both of us through the entire thing.

And even though I felt like shit and like an idiot afterwards for saying all these thoughts I've been having out loud, she looked at me and said I'm doing well. I am taking care of myself.

And I think that's my biggest issue here. I'm afraid that I'm not enough for myself. Like I can't trust that I'm taking care of myself well enough.

But I literally have 2 therapists, I'm volunteering, I'm making friends, I'm growing.

I am evolving and this territory is new and scary and fun and I don't know what I'm always doing because it is so fucking new.

The most impactful thing I said, with tears and snot, was I didn't realize letting go would mean taking on so much.

So I'm gonna try to not be so hard on myself. I just really didn't realize I was until I could hear myself.

I'm not pining after her. I'm not going the the gym to hunt her down. I'm not texting her to try and talk to her. I'm not trying to chat her up whenever I can. I'm not on her Instagram every other day....every day either lol. I'm not writing love notes and sending them to her. I'm not begging her to be friends with me again.

I have moments where my heart does skip a beat when I see or hear her, but she doesn't know that. Yes, I fantasize about her sometimes but she doesn't know that.

It's mostly my own internal struggle. And I call it a struggle but it's really just me feeling natural feelings of grief for this relationship I had, I loved, and I lost.

Externally, I'm doing all the things I can within reason to be safe and be happy.

Balance.

~

I also remember this one moment that happened that I'm not sure I wrote about.

It was just a lot of honesty, and tears, and snot lol. 

Whew. Ok. 

I told her I'm afraid because what if she I'm doing and feeling all this and we still end up together.

And she softly said, well you figure that out if the time comes.