another dream about her

I literally wasn't gonna write this.

It's almost five in the afternoon and I was gonna let this dream slowly disappear into my memories.

BUT, I just got a text from the gym.

After hours.

On a Sunday...

About a goal review for my fitness.

At almost 5pm.

I've never done a goal review for my fitness.

And I don't like goals. I don't know.

....uhm, ok.

While I wait to decide what I want to reply, the dream.

I had a dream about her last night. She has been running around my brain since Friday night and I've been riding those waves as they come. But the dream was quite... something.

I don't remember how we got there, but she'd gotten me alone and started talking to me. At some point, she looked pained as she poured out her heart to me. How me not something gutted her... She was basically saying she missed me and she wanted me in her life.

And I was in shock because I wasn't expecting it.

And I woke up in shock because it felt so fucking real.

So real it was scary. So I vowed not to write it.

This weekend I kept thinking about how the book I read Friday discussed vibrations. How vibrations attract like vibrations, law of attraction. The quote is "...awesome things seem to flow to you effortlessly and you seem to stumble over the perfect people and opportunities all the time... As [Einstein] observed, 'Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous.'"

That's what freaked me out. That's why I stopped reading at that point.

Because meeting her and having all these coincidences between us.

Me wanting so badly for her to reach out to me to confess her feelings before Christmas. Her reaching out to me before Christmas, but still living in this gray area.

And now today.

~

I'm really trying to into this assuming that this is not her. This is an automated message. 

Same thing I did Friday. I know it said it was from her, but still-- automated messages can do that.

So I responded and said I don't have any fitness goals set to review.

And someone responded and said 'we'd love to help you set some. Just let us know'

I have a hard time believing she has people working on a Sunday when the gym is closed, texting or not.

So this one will now be left on read. 

I understand I have blocked almost all of her avenues for communicating with me outside of having to act as a coach. Buuuuuut...

I don't know. I don't know how she's making sense of things, how she's justifying her actions to herself. 

But if her mind is a bogged down with me as mine is with her, I imagine it won't be long before we find ourselves getting closer and closer to the hot seat.

I can only do what I can do.

Her actions are her own. And they make me feel like she's chomping at the bit to get close to me again in any way she can.

~

Im high now. For the first time in days because, emotions.

Idk about her or where her heads at. 

I don't fucking know.

Checking on me before Christmas? As my 'coach'? But asking about my emotions? After hours? And into the next morning?

Odd.

The automated text on Wednesday? Ok. But the follow up text about my Instagram and Facebook? After I blocked her and her gym?

Odd.

The one on Friday? Ok. But her being super friendly with the hair flipping? I also swear she finds a reason to stand behind me whenever I'm stretching with my butt in the air. Also, that stare when I came in? Her moving boxes that weren't in my way?

Odd.

And today. The automated text? Ok. But on a Sunday? The gym is closed on Sunday. I don't think I've ever gotten a gym text on a Sunday. And the text was about goal review. I was pretty sure goal reviews went hand-in-hand with body scans. And then I got a response? On a Sunday?

Odd as shit.

Something's up.