achy breaky heart

Fuck me, ohmygah.

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh. I miss her.

And I know it's ok to miss her, but like, how much missing is ok, exactly lol.

She'a running around my mind off and on. More on than off. And I've been navigating but sometimes I don't want to. 

Sometimes I just want to think about her and it be ok.

I had Wetzels Pretzels for the first time yesterday and thought 'what if she fed me these as I shopped? We'd share an order of cinnamon sugar pretzels and strawberry lemonade. We'd use the same lemonade straw. She'd eat some pretzels, she'd feed me some. And every so often I'd look her dead in the eyes and suck the cinnamon sugar from her fingers'

...who am I? 

I don't ever think I'd let anyone feed me, let alone in public. And I haven't drank after my own mother in over 12 years. But I want that with her.

I want us to share everything. 

Why do I want that?

...what has she done to me? Lol

And I just keep wanting to know how she feels about me. How she felt about me.

I gave up the ghost.

I told her I like her. And I like her so much, not only can we not be friends, I blocked her so I didn't have to see her with her girlfriend.

And she.... She...

I don't know.

And that's the thing. Her actions still confuse the hell out of me. 

Why didn't she run the other way? Why hasn't she left me alone? 

I don't feel like we've had the kind of space I thought we would.

And it makes me laugh as much as it makes me sad.

I keep wishing and hoping and trying to let myself have those moments because...

Because.

I thought telling her would make things easier.

I thought telling her would uncomplicate things for me. 

It's...I don't know what it is.

But also, I do?

And I know her actions don't dictate my actions and feelings but when do I stop longing for intimacy with her. The person I told I don't like intimacy, the person I told I can't figure out where to place her, the person I told I felt like she can see me.

I've been thinking back to when I told her that. She didn't blush, but she did immediately look away and brushed it off as a trauma high alert type deal.

I don't know.

And my therapist pinning me to what I knew to be true. She knew I liked her, I wasn't her secret. 

But if her girlfriend didn't know about me, it's because something she kept away from her.

But the flirting during class, the day she stared at me, the day she worked out next to me and then sat and watched me finish my workout. The day she went to open the wrong door for me, the day she told me one of her favorite movies, how she used to always seek me out.

All of that hasn't gone away, but all of that did happen.

I feel a little stuck. And that's ok because at least now I'm stuck in the clarity and with the boundaries I set.

I just really didn't think I wanted all these levels of intimacy I've experienced with her. And I never considered all the other levels of intimacy I want to share with her as something that would ever interest me.

~

She awakened things in me I didn't know lied dormant.

She sparked this fire.

And every time we're apart, I want to be near her. But that same distance makes me doubt there was ever anything between us, that there is something between us.

And whenever I see her, it's like I can feel her. Feel everything flowing back and forth.

~

What happened to "I'm sorry if there was a misunderstanding. As a coach, my job is to make you're taking care of yourself mentally and physically." Yadda yadda blah. 

"If it helps, I can assign another coach to you. That way you can still have someone in your corner to follow up with you, hold you accountable, that sort of thing."

That's what I was scared of. That's what I thought would happen. 

But it didn't. And she has barely let up.

~

I'm just having a day today.

I want her to do unspeakable things to me.

When she called me a good girl that day, it's like a switch flipped and I wanted to bend to her wil every since.

The time I came into the open gym and she was down on the ground, on her stomach, working out. Jesus. She looked up at me with what looked like lust in her eyes as soon as I walked in. I just stood there, in shock, caught, and a little turned on. And she spoke to me. From her stomach. 

They day I went into my little corner in the open gym to take off my sweatshirt to reveal my workout tank underneath. I wanted some semblance of privacy but I had a shirt on underneath so I didn't need to go in the bathroom. I turned around to head into the gym-gym, and immediately caught her eyes. She was across the open gym, already staring at me. As I was changing. I didn't even know she was in there.

The day I dropped down to my knees post workout, in one practiced motion. Only to look up and find her standing in front of me, with this startled look on her face. She came to and fist bumped me as a congrats for finishing the workout.

~

The day she came by after a lift and was walking and talking to me. She complimented me and I was visibly enthralled, I know. I could feel myself looking at her like she'd hung the fucking moon. I smiled and said thank you. She asked me how much I lifted. And I kept smiling and said 'I have no idea'. And she sort of laughed and said I should ask the members I worked out with so I can log it in the app. And I thought 'ooooh, oh shit' and kind of snapped out of it and said 'oh, that's right'

The same day she called me good girl, she almost dropped the barbell on herself as she was showing us how to do chest presses, or whatever they're called. I was in a bit of a sub space and didn't really know it until I heard her fumble the bar while she was on her back. Then I realized my mouth had been slightly open and I was rolling my tongue from side to side.

The day of our last gym social. When I walked out of the bar and into the sun to meet my new friends, I looked up to spot them and she was there. I immediately looked down after she spoke to me and didn't look back up until I was standing by her, talking about my drink.

That was the same night she shook her sweaty butt in front of me lol. And she invited someone to sit beside her as she scooted closer to me.

The day we sat in that booth at brunch. I got to take her in, unfortunately not finding anything that turned me off about her physically. The day she toasted my drink. I also pulled down my shirt to show my tattoo that day. I wish I could've seen her face to know if she's had a reaction.

~

The day she came to me, nervously talking after I told her we should probably talk. It felt like pulling teeth for her to even speak to me for months, and now, here she was rambling like a kid about a bullet and condom she found. It was adorable but also broke my heart a little. 

Just days before, I was stunned to find her sitting at the front desk after I'd blocked her. Then she was standing right outside the bathroom the moment I finished changing.

The day we had our 15 minute meeting that went over and neither of us realized it. My therapist called and snapped us both back into reality. I have never seen her jump up out of her chair so fast.

Last week, the new clingy girl told me gym girl texted her that it was good to see her back on the class schedule. And at first I was immediately jealous. And then I thought 'well maybe that means there really was nothing going on between us'. And now I'm remembering the week she stood at the front desk almost every day I came and asked me if I was doing class.

On one of those days, she smiles and spoke to me and I spoke back. As soon as I walked pass her line of sight, she asked me if I was doing class. I had to walk backwards to answer her and say I'm doing open gym, I think. And she smiled and said ok.

One of those days, she did the same thing. But this time she asked me about class while I was in front of her, and she said ok. And said she'd be in there or something along those lines. I thought she meant she'd be teaching. But she came in, put her stuff down next to me to claim her spot and walked right back out. And I was like 'oh shit'. And she came back and did class next to me. 

~

The day we talked on the phone in Branson. I told her I'd learned my love language in passing and she circled back and asked me what my love language was. And then I told her. Then we were basically finished and she asked me if there was something else I wanted to talk about. She told me when we talked there looked like there was something else. I gave it a minute and then broke.

I told her I was gonna ask her something that she did not have to answer because I understood it would be deeply personal and not necessarily something she'd want to share. So I gave her explicit permission to deny me and then I asked her to share her 'why she started therapy story' because I kind of wanted to commiserate a little bit. 

And she immediately told me. And then she asked me for mine, which I didn't see coming. And I told her. And when I brought up my lady pastor being inappropriate, she pressed me and asked me what she did. And then when I brought up my niece, she immediately figured out something I never even realized about myself.

...all this can't be nothing.

Is that really it between us? To have shared all these moments and that truly be the end?

~

Also, the Friday I reached out to her to schedule a meeting during and she was all the way in Austin? To meet her girlfriend? She kept texting me.

When she was in California with her girlfriend? She was watching my Stories religiously. 

When she was on some freaking hike with her girlfriend? She texted me the night before and the morning of, about nothing important.

~

She also immediately looked away when I put lipgloss on in her office that day.

And, now, I've seen her blush.

I'd love to fucking make her blush, God.

~

The day we met, I had no idea who she even was.

I had been playing muva that day and running late. My mom was out of town and I was tasked with getting my sister to and from school.

The heat in my car had stopped working that day...seems to be a recurring theme unfortunately. Different problem though lol.

I was late to our meeting because of a train that I'd never seen on those tracks before.

I called the gym to let someone know and got no answer. And then they called me, and for some reason I missed the call. And then I called back and got no answer. So I think they texted or I did. I don't know.

I got there, parked crooked, backed up to straighten up, parked crooked again, and just gave up.

Also...when we met, I was playing mother. The role that partially caused me to lead a traumatic childhood.

Anyway, it was me and my sister. 

We walked in and there she was.

I apologized for the phone tag because that was a little embarrassing lol. And then I apologized for being late, explained why my sister was there.

We had pleasantries, she mentioned there was a dog and asked if anyone was afraid and I said something about 'I'm not but my sister might be'

We had our meeting, went over some stuff...

And then we shared a moment.

I'd brought up therapy, I think to explain why I couldn't make the initial body scan she wanted to schedule or I'd be late or something? I dunno. 

But as she was making notes, she commented kind of under her breath but not really that she wished more people did therapy. Her tone was polite but she also seemed annoyed and I concurred with like a 'yes' or 'same' or something. My tone was more of a 'tell me something I don't know, I get it lol'

Then she looked up for a second and met my eyes. And I immediately imagined me on her couch, cuddling her dog, and thought to myself 'Huh, I could be really good friends with this person'.

This person is only known for about 30 minutes. This person that, at the time, I knew next to nothing about.

She never told me she owned the gym, never told me how big she was in the CrossFit community, nothing.

All I knew is that she did therapy at some point and was an advocate. And apparently liked dogs.

But she knew so much about me.

Caregiver, respectful of people's time, I loved my body, would love to lose my stomach but knew that's not how that worked lol, I was in therapy and also an advocate, loved dogs, I wanted the gym as more of an outlet than anything, I was scared to do the gym alone for the first time. And I was a rambler that couldn't park well lol.

And I never wrote about it because I didn't think it was important.

Little did I know, that was the start of all of this.

And the next time we were in her office, I was so fucking nervous because I was attracted to her at that point. 

But there was a moment when we sat down. She saw my full name and pronounced it perfectly the first time. My back kind of straightened because I was impressed. It was nice to hear someone who didn't know me nail my name. 

I always wondered if she found the pronunciation on Facebook or something lol.