what living looks like

I had a new perspective of gym girl last night while I was high. Not something I was expecting nor did I think it would happen because I literally just got brain spotting done. Literally yesterday. I don't think she's the villain I'd like her to be so I can have a reason to not like her. I don't think she's this badass Marine or this really badass champion of physical fitness. She's just gym girl, a human person just trying to find her footing. Someone who probably, genuinely was really was nervous when she told me her favorite movie, when she opened the wrong door for me. Someone who really does like me. Someone who really does need help with the gym's social media. Someone who really did meet my eyes and throw me a genuine smile during that competition. Someone who knew I was having a bad day the instant she saw me. Because she really can see me, even though she embarrassingly denied that being the case. Someone who stared at me that day, someone who worke...

I had EMDR today. And I was like 'woo I'm doing so much better than last time. This session is going to be great' And I went in and we were catching up. And I told her the gym girl update. How I was thinking black and white and now I'm living more in the grey because that less logical, more realistic. Showed her my baby pictures. I said I started volunteering, I have a cooking class tonight. But of course, gym girl. I was like, it's fine. I'm not being ignored but it's starting to feel like things are ramping back up and I don't want to repeat the same mistakes as last year. And I've been having waves of memories come back to me And I basically told her, her she's being friendly but it feels flirty and I don't want to start second guessing and reading into things. I can't logic my way out of my emotions and it's difficult. She doesn't upset me but I don't want to get caught up again.  And she was like well what if she is just ...

We shared 3 moments today: (I'm also high so this range from poetic to sporadic. We'll see lol) I didn't hear until after I changed, loved up the coach's dog and then sat down to read.  First I heard her voice and my heart raced. I heard her laugh and it made me smile.  Then I tried pushing her out of my head. Then someone was leaving and tried speaking to her from across the gym. I'm assuming she couldn't hear them with the music and everything. I tried blocking her out again.  And then I heard her coming, saw her silhouette join her friend group in the open gym. I kept reading, trying to focus on the words. Then my gym friend's dog came in. And I looked up for a second and smiled. And then she brought him closer and I caved and went in to love on him. I talked to her for a second and then sat down to read again. But then the dog kept trying to get me and him was so cute.  So I closed the book and scooted over to love on him. And around the beam she came. F...

Today has been a whirlwind so far. Right now, I'm at a venue waiting on the Candlelight Concert Adele Tribute to start. This morning, I got dressed in a chunky sweater to be comfortable for the volunteering but warm for the weather. I grabbed my clothes for tonight,.put on some cute earrings and left the house. My drive in to work was nice. I had a good time. I got to work, immediately got busy. Then there was a knock on the door and I was the only one on office. So I ran to the front and there was a man in our door window. And then I opened and there was another man with him. Immediately what the fuck moment lol. Turns out, they were there to fix the heat for our sublease-- that was closed lol. But I didn't know that until I took them downstairs. So I called my boss and asked her what I should do. She did some digging and found a lockbox code. So I ran around, opened the door, let them in. Ran back upstairs to grab my things, locked up and went to volunteer. I looked at the ti...

Fuck me, ohmygah. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh. I miss her. And I know it's ok to miss her, but like, how much missing is ok, exactly lol. She'a running around my mind off and on. More on than off. And I've been navigating but sometimes I don't want to.  Sometimes I just want to think about her and it be ok. I had Wetzels Pretzels for the first time yesterday and thought 'what if she fed me these as I shopped? We'd share an order of cinnamon sugar pretzels and strawberry lemonade. We'd use the same lemonade straw. She'd eat some pretzels, she'd feed me some. And every so often I'd look her dead in the eyes and suck the cinnamon sugar from her fingers' ...who am I?  I don't ever think I'd let anyone feed me, let alone in public. And I haven't drank after my own mother in over 12 years. But I want that with her. I want us to share everything.  Why do I want that? ...what has she done to me? Lol And I just keep wanting to know how she feels...

Turns out my heat wasn't working because all the work they did last time went to shit. And honestly, I'm not even mad. I guessed that because I have a GMC and they're typically ridiculous to work on.  But also, they were honest. AND that means I get my stuff fixed under warranty. And thank God for Jesus. I'm so thankful that I didn't spend all of Monday stuck in my upset. I felt my feelings, screamed for a miracle, and let them pass. I'm happy I didn't let that steal my joy and disturb my peace everyday this week. And I was calm and happy when talking to them. Because I trust them and their actions just keep proving that I can. People are allowed to make mistakes, especially when they aren't life threatening.

I hit my happiness limit and I want to cry right now. Very overwhelmed but choosing to distract myself for the time being.

*knocks on wood* I woke up at like 4 am to go pee and she wasn't in my head. Tried to think of her and nothing stuck. Prooooogress lol. We're getting somewhere. I just don't know where she's going exactly. But I'm going to the dentist after I poop and grab me a lil breakfast at home. ~ I went to the dentist. Rain water leaked into my car the entire time I was in there. Called the shop to schedule time to drop it off. I went to work and accomplished none of my heavy things. I went to the gym and read. The new girl came back and was up my ass. She is really nice but I don't like that kind of stuff. I did just notice that goal review is listed along the bottom of our workout bulletins for this week. It prompted every to text the gym if they want to set one up. Soooo that text Sunday was maybe just scheduled to go out on the wrong date? ~ Also, last year before we knew each other really, she texted me this face as a single response to me agreeing to something 🥰 ISN...

I literally wasn't gonna write this. It's almost five in the afternoon and I was gonna let this dream slowly disappear into my memories. BUT, I just got a text from the gym. After hours. On a Sunday... About a goal review for my fitness. At almost 5pm. I've never done a goal review for my fitness. And I don't like goals. I don't know. ....uhm, ok. While I wait to decide what I want to reply, the dream. I had a dream about her last night. She has been running around my brain since Friday night and I've been riding those waves as they come. But the dream was quite... something. I don't remember how we got there, but she'd gotten me alone and started talking to me. At some point, she looked pained as she poured out her heart to me. How me not something gutted her... She was basically saying she missed me and she wanted me in her life. And I was in shock because I wasn't expecting it. And I woke up in shock because it felt so fucking real. So real it was...

I hit my happiness limit last night. This is the first time I saw it coming and was able to sort of brace for impact. ~ I honestly feel like Letdown Days are harder for me than just a regular bad day.  Letdowns remind me that I cannot emotionally handle being as happy as I can be. I know that doesn't stop me from trying to be my happiest self. I know if just means I require a little extra love and care.  But how fucking sad? To know I have a happiness ceiling and being really happy makes me really sad. ~ I can be happy. I deserve happiness. It's just going to take some practice. ~ I'm very happy right now. So happy it feels kind of scary and a bit manic. Definitely not getting high tonight and definitely  gonna need to take things slow tomorrow. So, what has happened? I filled out my volunteer application and background check and submitted it. I signed up for a CE Class she recommended And I chose a class to sit in on. She later told me everyone is tickled I chose that on...

You circled me. You had me. You ignored me. You avoided me.  You fucked me over.  You fucked up. And I still had the decency to own my actions, own my feelings, and set clear boundaries to straighten things out. I'm a fucking boss ass bitch. I'm healing, I'm growing, I'm learning. I'm smart as shit. I'm fucking ADORABLE. I'm not settling for less than what I deserve ever again. 

Last night I went and saw the duck movie called Migration.  I politely fell asleep twice lol. But it ended up being a pretty decent movie. There were a couple times when I felt like I was over it and I wanted to get up and walk out. But I knew a part of that was me wanting to go sulk at home instead be distracted at the movies. And I'm tired to sulking. So I decided to stay. But once it was over, and momma and daddy duck started being all cute and romantic and dancing, I got right on up outta there.  And as soon as I turned my nose up with the thought of 'two ducks get to find their person and have a happy ending and I don't. What kind of crap is rhat' I heard God say 'if I take care of the birds?' And I internally rolled my eyes and said 'how much more [would He do for me, His people]' Ok, God. And I booked a gym class for today. I wasn't going to because I was still getting over my cold so I was gonna stay in and rest. But I woke up this morning an...

All those feelings, the connection we shared wasn't enough.  That hurts.  I am also entertaining the thought that maybe she blushed that day because I blew up her spot. Maybe she'd been ignoring me to get me out of her head and took it personal when I blocked her. And honestly, why even be upset about that, if she was upset. You ignore me in real-life but I bottle it up and keep it moving. I block her on social media and now we have a problem? And then the way she was all nervous when I told her we should talk.  It's all very strange.  And I'm only writing this because I'm thinking about it. I got up to pee and here we are.  Instead of being mad at myself, I'm to 'yes and how can I take care of myself right now' And the answer is journaling. ~ I can't believe I did this. All of this was for what? To upset me so much I started EMDR?! I keep questioning if the risk was worth any of this? How much of myself did I neglect? ~ I have cried so much behind t...