work, therapy, gym

Today's a full day.

Back to work (thank God), I get to see my therapist, and I made plans to go to the gym.

And right now I feel a mix of annoyance, anger, tiny bit of excitement about being able to get to my desk, a bit more excitement to see my therapist. 

I really don't know how I'm going to respond when I see gym girl. But I do know I'm no longer overthinking it. I'm no longer invested. 

I'm no longer trying to justify her actions because honestly, as much as I'd like to believe I'm trying to figure her out, I'm really just trying to justify her actions. They are not justifiable in my eyes anymore and I'm retiring my efforts to do that. Her actions are her own and how I choose to react based on her actions is up to me.

I just want to say my peace and move on. Or keep my peace and move on. Either one really.

I also had a dream about bees last night. 

I was in this apartment-ish area with my mom dad and youngest sister. And there we beehives in so many corners of this, what looked like, an abandoned place. I don't like bugs, so I was terrified lol. It seemed like every time I went into a room, there was a hive there.

~

Didn't make it to work without crying.

I was just about to pass the Arena and the tears just came right on in. And I let them.

And then I ugly cried while I put my things away and microwaved my Hot Pocket. And then I cried while I ate said Hot Pocket.

~ W O R K ~

My work friend also had a shitty Christmas so we exchanged stories lol.

I cried, she cried. 

And then I went to my EMDR appointment and proceeded to cry so hard I couldn't breathe or talk. I was so choppy. And I have never broken down like that in therapy.

And then I came to work and did it in front of my work friend as I was updating her post-session lol. She told me that's called hyperventilating. I googled it just now and she is correct lol. I never knew that. 

Even after I was done talking I was still gasping for air every so often.

And then she cried some more and then we got to work lol.

~ G Y M ~

I got there and was like 'ok, she's not here'.

Went in, ran into a coach as he was passing by and he was like 'how was your Christmas' I said it wasn't great and he made a sound of disappointment and I said 'but I survived'. Then we both went about our business.

And then I heard her voice and was like 'fuck, ok'. I walked into the open gym and spoke, put my things down, and then got changed.

Then I came out and grabbed my phone and started scrolling through funny videos to decompress. 

And then the black guy came over, asked me about my Christmas. I said it wasn't great but it was eventful. And we chatted for a bit and then he asked where I was from. I told him and we talked about his friend that was from the same state as me.

And then my other guy gym friend came by and we chatted. Same thing but I lean in to him more because he's always nice to me. His attitude has never wavered. And I've spent time at a gym hangout with his wife and I really like her. We went over our Christmases. He also says he gets tired of all the talking and doing and I was laughing and said I know exactly what you mean, that is my family. And we laughed and chatted a bit more and then he went to go workout.

I was nervous about the thought of her being the coach for class but then I remembered that the other coach was there and usually he steps in when my coach is out.

So to avoid panic, I grabbed some sour candy and snacked on that until class started. I let the time rundown and only sat on the floor for like 5 minutes, and I avoided her the whole time.

Then I got ready to start class and was able to keep avoiding her.

We didn't speak. She seemed to be standoffish so I was like 'cool, this is perfect'.

I grabbed my class supplies lol and found my spot. As I was coming back with my dumbbell, I was trying to find a route that didn't look like I was avoiding gym girl even though I was. And I couldn't. So I didn't. And she took that opportunity to ask me how my Christmas was. I didn't even hesitate. I did a wishy washy motion with one hand and kind of balled up my face and said it was ok and kept waking past.

*bad bitch hair flip*

And apparently we have a member training to assist in class. So I felt him standing near me and I looked up to find him looking at me. I spoke and he spoke and we introduced ourselves. He proceeded to chat me up for a hot minute and I kind of volleyed with him for a bit to get a feel for him. He seems nice enough.

But then he just kept talking and I was like 'shit, problem or awkward?'

When we ended our conversation, he stood by my bike as I started the warm up. And over walks gym girl, giving him instruction. The only one I overheard was about basically not spending a bunch of time with one person. How he should manage his time across the class. And fair enough honestly but I did go 'shit' in my head.

And he proceeded to keep coming over to me. He'd instruct me and also make conversation and give me tips. It was nice but at one point I was behind on the warmup because he was consuming my time. And I was like 'he's just being reeeeaaally chatty is all. Maybe it's just nerves. Everything's fine'

There was a moment during our warmup when she caught my eye and asked if I could hear the coach because he was off mic. I quickly nodded yes and turned away.

We kept warming up and then, before we went to the whiteboard, the assistant coach yelled my name from across the gym and said I was doing good. And then I curled up inside my body and died a little.

We did the first workout, the coaches we fairly normal. I did grab some tiny weights at my coaches suggestion. I walked behind gym girl the first time but the second time I was like 'i don't care' and took a longer beeline back to my spot to avoid her. 

*bad bitch hair flip*

During that workout, the coaches were joking about how I could add more weight and I was like 'haha...no'. And there was one more awkward moment with that guy but it wasn't too bad. It's just that gym girl was standing right behind me the whole time it was happening.

Double-awkward for me.

Another member asked me if we were done and I honestly didn't know. So I went to try to squint at the whiteboard but couldn't really see it. So I asked the only person near me. I took a second and looked for anyone else. Then I asked myself what's the most casual way I can do this. And I said 'was that the last one' and she said 'yes". Easy.

Then that workout ended, I high-fived my coach and told him the tip he gave me really helped.

I went to put up my weights, check. And then I went to put up my barbell from where I originally got it. But imagine my surprise when there is no room for my barbell. I picked it up and as soon as I turned around to put it up, I froze. There were only 4 of us so I didn't understand how I had no room for mine. Immediately, gym girl says 'Hey ____. I got it.' And I turned around and said 'what'. And she walked up to me and said she'd take my barbell and put it up. And she walked into my space to take it from me. And as I passed it over, I said thank you.

And in my head I said '...huh. Ok'

Workout part two was fine. No awkward moments. Gym girl did come up behind me during my third round and was like 'let's get your pace up to 48' My response: a laughing, heavy breathing, 'I'm dying'.

And then it was over after two more rounds. And I gave fist bumps to the class coaches and left.

Success.

~ T H E R A P Y ~

So I ran into therapy because I was so close to being late. And she was like, you're good, right on time.

I sat down to catch my breath and she asked how my Christmas was. 

I said it was meh and she said meh? And I said meh lol.

And then we got down into it.

Within 5 minutes, I was crying so hard I could barely talk. Hyperventilating, trying to get my thoughts out, trying to breathe. And I just told her the overview of the holiday break, the things I journaled. 

I really think that seeing gym girl still has a girlfriend and was messaging me was my tipping point. I'd already been upset about being so aware that I was beginning to notice the traumatic patterns in my family as they happened now and then that.

From my mom softly pressuring my sister into believing she shouldn't be upset about something that upset her, my dad sending me a Christmas gift and then texting me Christmas morning, to the gym girl thing.

I told her it just feels like people don't care about how I feel. And she asked where am I with not feeling like I'm enough. And I said I don't feel like that's true anymore. I just feel like they aren't considering how their actions make me feel, they're just doing what they want.

I told her as upset as I am, I'm really happy I'm here. I'm happy I started EMDR because if I hadn't, I would've been stuck in that loop. I wouldn't see any problems as being problems.

And I told her I feel like I've just wasted so much time being stuck, being oblivious. Being broken. And then she asked me 'but what's on the other side of that' and I took a deep breath and answered: but I'm here now. Now I know, now I'm working on it.

She told me that the therapy is working. And that my feelings were most likely a mix of grief and sadness and anger, etc.

And then she checked in with me on a few things to see how I was doing. And she talked about how I was doing well, and when the therapy works it does typically open this floodgate of heavy emotions. And she talked about acceptance.

And I brought up Radical Acceptance. How I picked it back up during my crying and I ended up being on the chapter where she explains that Radical Acceptance means sitting in heavy emotions. It means not avoiding them by shaming yourself or blaming others. And I said I expressed the former but I really tried to manage those feelings as just feelings not truths.

And she said yes. And then for a moment she went over some more things about how to treat myself and how not to basically make myself believe that gym girl is a bad person because we don't know that. All we know is that she crossed my boundaries.

And I said yes. It's been hard but yes. And I started crying again. And I told her my tears were also tears of fear because I know these things, and I want to make the healthy choice, and I'm gonna try and make the healthy choice. But I'm scared that I'm gonna revert back to lashing out in anger. I'm used to being hurt and hurting back so people feel how they made me feel. But I don't want to do that anymore.

So I don't know where to go from there. I told her with my dad, he lives miles away. My mom I can find space. But gym girl is another story. I told her usually I'd already have a fairly flushed out plan and right now I have nothing. I've never been here, in a space of being fully aware, wanting to make healthy choices, and not knowing what to do.

And then she talked some more as I calmed down and I finally started looking at her and she was wiping her eyes a little lol. And I thought to myself 'shit, Imma mess' lol.

It was a really good session.

She also politely told me that verbally reinforcing my boundaries with gym girl is part of it. Because I was telling her a part of me doesn't want to do it because I don't know how effective it will be. And she told me that people will try to test and push boundaries to see if you really meant what you said or to see what they can get away with. She said a talk does need to happen and based on what I told her, I basically already know what I want to say. She said to take my time and do what feels comfortable and natural. 

Maybe the moment I need will find me.