updating my friends

Of course, I texted my best friend from my last job last night. Then I sent another form of that text to my other best friend. 

As expected, the person I texted first understood and is as confused as me. The second person doesn't understand andbconfused by me.

And now I'm updating my old Dom. He is always straight with me. Now I await his reaction.

~

I can't believe it took me this long to see it. 

And now I'm gonna book class for tomorrow and pray she doesn't show.

I'm just really tired of running from fucked up people. They seem to keep finding me and I can't keep running every time.

But I can enforce my boundaries and protect my peace.

She is more upsetting than comforting so I'm out.

~ 

And my old Dom doesn't believe me. He thinks it's just me. This is great.

This is great. I'm really over it.

I don't want any part of any of this.

I don't see how it's hard to understand where in coming from.

Gym girl has been coaching for YEARS. Years.

A simple, 'I'm sorry to hear that. I'll be sure to just stick to the coaching. And if I ever do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, please let me know. I want this to be a safe space for you and I'm sorry if I've gotten in the way of that somehow.'

If she was actually concerned about how I was doing and just wanted to casually check in, she could have someone else do it. Same way she had someone else do my body scan.

She doesn't have to be the one to help me when there are a shit ton of coaches there. She doesn't need to compliment my hair; just say hello and move on.

I feel like I'm the adult here. Like she's playing dumb, making this mess and I'm trying to figure things out and clean everything up.

I'm trying to logic everything out to make sense of things and she keeps getting in the way.

I thought setting boundaries would end the confusion but it hasn't. But steering clear of her definitely will.

Maybe it is me. Let's say I was to entertain the idea that I was the problem. I have still done everything I can to remedy that.

Everything. I literally started trauma therapy because of it.

I'm not gonna keep taking on the actions of othe people as something I'm responsible for. I'm done manipulating my reality to better accomodate their actions.

I made it clear to her how I felt and what I wanted. She, in turn, continues to confuse me in these miniscule ways that make me feel like I'm the villain. Like I'm the issue.

And you know what I do often? In fact, you know what I do first? I approach my problems, immediately assuming they're happening because of me. I immediately assume it's just me and the other person or people involved play a role.

....is that codependency in a nutshell? Is that what's happening here?

I've literally been journal off and on since like 8 pm last night.

And I know I've been pissed at her before but I never felt certain in my pissed off-ness.

Now, I know I have every right to be and as much as it sucks, it also feels good to know I feel certain and safe in my decision making.

And now, with my family out of the house, I'm gonna watch anime in bed.

~

Still crying. I just feel stupid and I little hopeless.

Because will I ever truly find a person I can feel safe with? Will I ever find someone who listens to me and considers me?

I was ok with being alone when I believed no one would ever want me because I've never been with anyone. And I was ok because I decided I didn't want to be with or get close to anyone.

Now that I had a taste of what that could be like, I have this longing that was never there before. Or maybe it always was there but just buried deep down.

And now that I've been hurt, that taste has turned my stomach. 

I know I don't want it bad enough to settle for unhealthy. Now my worry is the same as other people: what if I never have healthy?

I'm 28 and I've never even known intimate touch. And I'm really trying to not internalize that.

I don't deserve to be treated this way.

And I'm supposed to go out and eat with my family tonight and I really don't want to right now.

I want to just cry in bed and try to distract myself. I don't feel like listening to all the drama with no good highlights to change things up.

I want to move out. I want to move away.

I kept away from people to stay safe but it wasn't healthy. Now I'm putting myself out there because it is healthy but it isn't safe. 

But the thing both situations share is me trying to maintain my safety, my security.

The first situation was low effort. Safety was guaranteed because I can't be hurt if I don't let people in. I could sit back and relax, I knowing I was ok.

The second situation requires more effort than I've ever exerted. Safety isn't guaranteed because I'm letting different people in. I now have to be present and alert to maintain my safety.

~

I've learned something else too:

Do not wait on people to come around. If you set an expectation or asked something of them, hold them accountable in moments of uncertainty. 

If I'd just held her accountable as soon as she texted me, I could have avoided this. I wouldn't have wasted so much emotional stuff. I wouldn't have allowed her to consume so much of my energy.