stuck in fight or flight

I don't know how long I've been here, but I have been going in and out of fight or flight mode. Maybe since Friday?

...no. I was mentally exhausted Friday. I even said that out loud while I was lifting with a friend.

I think I've been here since I decided to ride with my mom and sister Saturday night to go get my other sister.

Two things upset me:

1. Something happened where she chose not to stand up for herself and make her wants heard. Instead she cowered to stay safe but then blamed someone else for maybe having caused her to even be put in that situation. I told her she could've just lied or have been honest. And then I told her she can use me in her lie when the time comes.

2. She was talking about something negative and how God must have intended for it to be this way and how the person will come around to be better. 

And then it all came together (unfortunately for me, I was high at the time so it was more intense than I liked). My immediate thought was 'and this is why I had a traumatic childhood'

Those two things right there led to me being here. Having two therapists, being afraid of intimacy. And I used to think I haven't left home because of fear of failure. And I know it's partially true. But now I'm thinking maybe the Parent in me feels like I'm obligated to stay home...

Fuck.