she texted me

She texted me.

I was riding my waves from today. Work went well. Gym was fun. I had a friend show up for class and I thought gym girl wasn't there. 

I left thinking of reasons why me romanticizing the holidays was not the best idea. I kept thinking, hoping she'd reach out and tell me how she feels about me. Christmas is the time to do that, right?

But she wasn't at the gym. So that means she doesn't want me. Another check in the rejection column.

While I was changing, I gave myself a pep talk and then went to have a good class.

I left the gym, talked myself down and started my coping routine. 

I put on my titration playlist and went to get my groceries. On the way there, I just kept thinking 'see? She doesn't want me. I should have never romanticized anything. I should have never thought for a second she'd show up and tell me she likes me.'

And as I was pulling into the parking lot of Target, I got a text. No big deal. I looked at my watch to see who it was and my jaw dropped.

It was her. She was texting me.

She said hey, said it was Coach Her, complimented my barbell work, and asked if I've been doing well.

Casually. "You been doing well?"

And then my mouth stayed open and I kind of went into a stasis as I drove around the parking lot. 

How does she know what I was doing with a barbell? She wasn't even there tonight. Was she there tonight? I didn't see her car. Why would she reach out to me? Maybe the message was automated. But how would she automate a text that complimented my workout? Why would she send a text, automatic or not, to ask me how I've been? We went over this. I was very clear on the emotional stuff being off the table.

I started pacing my breathing and found a parking spot. I gave myself a moment.

Ok. If she is asking this, if she is crossing the line I made in the sand to keep us both safe, then she must be doing it fully understanding what that means?

So, four minutes later, I responded honestly. I spoke, said thank you, and told her this week has been really rough but I've been coping.

And then she went radio silent for a little over an hour. And I proceeded to just get more upset. Not angry, just confused and sad.

I got my groceries, ran to the liquor store, grabbed some food, all the while keeping my mental in check. While I was waiting on food, I finally texted my best friend back home and told her what was happening.

As I was doing that, she finally responded: 

'Hope you're doing ok'

No, gym girl. No, I'm not. Especially right fucking now. Now I'm more confused. 

So I texted her back immediately. 

'It's up and down. I'm taking it moment to moment'

And nothing.

I don't get it.

If she wants me, I have already told her I like her. She can have me. I would give me to her in a heartbeat.

But all she's giving me is this-- whatever this is.

You know what I want? Someone who knows what they want and goes after it.

Everything about her on paper says goes after what she wants. From buying the gym, to her time in the service, all of the competitions she's done, to her coming after me.

But she has been so lukewarm since the day she walked right past me. And I thought the last meeting we had, was me dashing us both with cold water to separate us.

But here we are.

I knew the day she complimented my hair, I was fucked. 

I was right.

I told her what we needed to not do and she's doing it even though she knows how I really feel about her.

At this point, she may as well come out and say it.

And now I can't stop looking at our four texts.

~

Tomorrow marks two months to the day since we last texted and since we had the meeting.

Maybe she ask me out tomorrow. At this rate, anything is possible.