peace & fear

Finally finding peace about this situation scares me. 

What if finding peace makes me enter the cycle again?

I really really wanted to masturbate last night. Really fucking bad.

But I didn't. 

I put on a new romance book just in case I broke. I needed to make sure I wasn't thinking of her while I did it because I had been thinking about her before then.

January is around corner, which means so is the anniversary of me joining the gym. I'm scared she might text me again but I kept telling my that

1. it's more than likely definitely gonna be a professional, standard message to congratulate me. That's if they even do that.

2. If it's not, it'll be another opportunity for me to reinforce my boundaries.

I'm sober now and I still understand that the motive behind her text doesn't take away how it made me feel.

I also understand that we didn't end things on a bad note, I didn't push her away. And just because I asked her to do something doesn't mean it's gonna automatically happen. 

...I also don't understand why she would spend so much time actively ignoring me for so fucking long but then the moment I take control of the situation, she seemingly forgets how to do that.

Ugh. Fucking sucks.

If she continues down this new, confusing path, I'm scared of what that looks like for me.

~

Also, I just never expected her to test my boundaries. I would expect that from people that I do not like or people that I know don't care. 

I just thought she would never do that.

~ 

And now that I think about it, when she was actively avoiding me, I didn't break the unspoken no contact-- she did. 

She replied to my Stories on Instagram randomly.

...why am I shocked?

~

I'm high. 

I just realized basically have a unrequited love...AND I FUCKING TOLD HER OHMYGAAAAAH WHY GOD WHY LOL!!

I feel like people don't usually tell their unrequited love how they feel because, by definition, their love would be UNREQUITED!!!

....I feel just a smidge of embarrassment, not gonna lie.