i went and i wasn't ready

I had the time of my life over the last couple of weeks.

I went out the day after Thanksgiving and hung out with two friends from work. We drank, we sang, we bonded. It was good stuff.

Last Friday was our office Christmas party. I was high, got drunk, bonded, laughed. Stayed at a friend's house after, the whole nine. I smoked for the first time. It was a hoot.

And I have simultaneously been mentally preparing myself for EMDR that's scheduled for Monday. I have been nervous but I'm ready. 

But I guess I've also been worried about what that means for me and gym girl. I don't know.

I mean, I do know. I'm afraid that this next EMDR will make her lost to me forever. I'm unsure about whether I want that but at the same time, I do want that if tbe alternative is what I left behind.

But I'm scared and I'm worried and slightly paranoid apparently. It showed today.

Today was the EOYear gym party. Competition to start, fun and food to end.

Initially, I wasn't going to go. I didn't want to be there because I thought it might be too taxing, too difficult.

My best friend said I should go and I said no I shouldn't. But then I got mad at gym girl because why can't I go? Was me not going me giving up and letting her win? I convinced myself that was the case and so I went...to spite her lol. (I'm only laughing now because of hindsight. Also I'm on my period soooooo everything will make sense soon)

I was like 'fuck it, I'm going because fuck you'

And I've been full of nerves for the last week and a half because of it.

I was so fucking close to backing out. But then yesterday, my gym friend (the one who waved at me when gym girl was standing beside her, ignoring me) showed up to practice for competition and got my attention. She asked if I was going to be at the gym for the EOYear stuff and I said yes. And I walked over and got nervous and was like asking for how it usually works because I don't like big group events. She laughed and gave me a rundown and said it'll be fun.

And, honestly, thank God for her. Because she and my other friend both stopped to talk to me during all the everything. But she specifically say down to say 'see, it's not that bad' and she stretched and we chatted for a bit. And then she was out.

But before that I was eating my donut that I promised myself I'd buy as a treat for going, and I looked up and saw gym girl's girlfriend.

(In hindsight, I do believe this was a case of mistaken identity, buuuuuut we're gonna tell the story as it was before I realized that.)

And so I sat on the floor and then my friends stopped by yadda yadda. Gym girl walked by and as I was trying to politely make myself look busy, she spoke. So I looked at her and waved while I drank my water.

Then my gym friend asked me if I had lotion and I said yes, in my car. She insisted that I don't go get it lol but I said it's not that bad, I'll be back. So I went to go outside and there was gym girl at the counter. Again, tried to ignore her. From the corner of my eye, she looked like she was doing something so I tried to scurry past. She saw me (of fucking course because I'm not invisible) and jokingly asked if I was leaving and I said laughed and said no, just going to get lotion from my car.

Then I go back in side yadda yadda, hand off some lotion blah blah blah. I plop my pretty butt back down on the ground and then I realized that the girlfriend was right behind me. He stuff, her group, her-- right behind me.

And I felt awkward but just minded my own business and left it at that. Did I call her a big forehead bitch with a bad dye job? Sure lol. But in my head lolol.

But there were a few moments that made me uncomfortable and one that upset me.

Mind you, I think this is her as these things are happening but now I don't even know that it was. 

I sat in her vicinity for hours on end. From like 8-11am

So 2 uncomfortable things, 1 upsetting.

1. She stood directly in my line of sight and bent her body over doing something, but looking in my direction and blocking my view of the competition

2. She had friends walk over to join her friends and they huddled up together. And then one of her friends turned around and glanced at me and then returned to the huddle.

3. As I was coming back from the bathroom, I watched her look at me, lean back to do nothing (she wasn't stretching or anything) and then knock over my water, phone, and keys. She apologized and picked it up, I assumed it wasn't sincere but said it was fine and sat down. Did she try to clean the water? No.

Before and after each happening I kept talking myself up, doing things to busy my mind and change my emotional state.

But come 12, just as they were wrapping the competition up, I left. I was staring at the clock and just asked myself why. Why would I stay?

Every answer I came up with wasn't for me and the one that was for me didn't seem worth it.

So I went and said bye to my friend and asked her to say bye to our mutual, and walked out.

Then I proceeded to ugly cry in my car until I got like 5 minutes from my house. I felt so defeated and so I was gonna go on gym girl's page to see if that was her girlfriend. Then I was like 'naaaaw. I've been so strong. It's not worth it. And then a memory of what her girlfriend looks like came to me. 

And then I stopped crying and felt embarrassed because I am almost certain that girl was not her girlfriend. 

I just kept overthinking today so much, worried about if I'd be ignored or if her girlfriend would be there that I convinced myself that this poor stranger was her. 

Pretty sure she was not her.

And now I feel dumb.

But I also the wound was too fresh for me to be in that gym today. AND I'm on my period so that doesn't help.

The loss of that relationship is just too fresh.

I just was so worried, I was overthinking, I kept seeing versions of her car everywhere, she was wreaking havoc in my brain.

And now I'm like was that her girlfriend the last time?! What is real, ohmygah.

But I'm pretty sure it was that time but also I don't fucking know anymore.

Soooo I'm gonna clean myself up and go see a movie to stop overthinking and beating myself up. 

On the bright side:

1. I did treat myself to that donut

2. I didn't make a fool of myself in public about that girl

3. I honored my feelings (even if misplaced) and left because I needed to

4. I took good care of myself while I was there

5. I did what I wanted to do, not what I thought I should do

6. I'm going to do something that I know makes me happy 

~

Post-movie clarity:

I have been so afraid that I would lose gym girl and everything I felt and experienced after this next EMDR session. 

I've been afraid of losing her but in a way I already gave her up. I never had all of her and that was the reason I let go.

I already lost her.

~

I care and I don't know how to stop.

What happens if I can't?

~

I have since calmed down substantially aaaaand that was definitely her girlfriend the day shit hit the fan at the gym. 

Which means that was definitely not her girlfriend today l-ohhhhhhh-l fml ohmygah.