fuck her, she doesn't care about me

I googled her.

I've been doing that since she texted me.

I googled her tonight and did Google images.

And there was an Instagram picture that popped up-- of her with her girlfriend. And Google says it's from two fucking days ago.

TWO DAYS AGO?!?!

TWO DAYS AGO?!

~

I checked.

I broke and I checked her page and it's from two days ago.

TWO FUCKING DAYS AGO.

FUCK YOU.

Just fuck you.

And now I'm crying on Christmas.

Why is she doing this? Why is she doing this to me?

I hate her. I fucking hate her. 

I hate her. 

I wish I'd never responded.

I trusted you. I trusted you with a lot of myself.

I trusted you with my truth.

I trusted you with my honesty.

I trusted you to respect my boundaries and you didn't.

You fucking didn't and I hate you for that.

I hate you so fucking much.

Why would you do that?

Why would you set me up like that?

Why do that to me?

I told your sister. I fucking told you and you don't seem to give a shit about how your actions make me feel.

Fuck you. 

Now I'm high and crying and just a fucking mess of emotions.

I have been fantasizing SINCE FRIDAY about our happy ending finally happening and it's not.

It's not and it never will and I hate you so fucking much. 

I don't want to be near you. Just stay the fuck away from me.

And the hashtags on the picture?! Bae.

Just fuck completely off. Go fuck yourself.

I TOLD you I liked you and we needed space and that the emotional stuff was confusing and you don't care.

You don't care so why should I bother.

So now I'm gonna put you in your place again.

This is Strike 2.

I'm just going to stick to my original plan. The next time I see her, I'm gonna put her on the spot.

'Has something changed between now and the last time we talked?'

She's gonna say no, I know for fucking sure now. 

'Please don't check up on me again. It's confusing. I spent my Christmas holiday confused and I don't want to be confused.'

You fucking bitch. 

God!

You don't care. I was right to be angry that night after you complimented my hair.

You do not care about how I feel. You do not care about how your actions make me feel.

This is no longer a guessing game. You know.

You fucking KNOW!!! 

And now you are purposely doing what I asked you not to.

So here comes trouble.

I have been nothing but kind and understanding, giving you the benefit of doubt, but all that it ending.

I hate you. 

You may like me, but you don't care about me.

How can you?

The door is closed. It's no longer open. 

You have given me the best and the absolute worst time of my life this year and I hate you for all of it.

You fucking suck. 

You don't get to play innocent or ignorant anymore.

You know you fucked my head up and you keep doing it.

All this time I've been trying to salvage what I can with this "relationship" and for what?

For fucking what?!

What part of anything she's given me is worth this?! Any of this? The crying, the confusion, the hurt, the anger, the frustration.

I'm here crying and pissed off and she's doing what she does best-- living her life as if nothing is going on.

I'm the one stuck and hurting. I don't want to be stuck and hurting.

I feel like such a fool. You keep making me out to be the fool and I'm so much smarter than this.

Move away. Move to Austin. Move in with your girlfriend. Marry her. Start a life together. Be happy. Leave the gym. Go away.

I'm not your toy. You're not my person.

I don't need your help.

Leave me the fuck alone.

Just leave me alone. 

I don't even care anymore. Ignore me, pretend like I don't exist, do it. Do all of it.

Just stop hurting me.

You've ruined my Christmas. You would have done better to had never reached out to me, to have never followed up the next morning.

More and more I'm starting to believe you might actually be a terrible person because I think I know you, but I really don't.

Because maybe all of this was a ploy. Maybe you're the narcissist. Maybe you saw me as a mark, someone weak and vulnerable, and went for the kill.

Maybe my work friend was right. Maybe you are not a good person.

Maybe my emotions were wrong. Maybe they only felt what they wanted to feel. Maybe I'm the fool.

Why would you do that?

Maybe that's the conversation we need to have. 

I need to know:

1. Were you here, at the gym, on Friday?

2. Why did you text me?

You know what, no. I'm tired.

I'm really tired of giving her wiggle room. I'm fucking sick of it to be honest. I've played nice. I've given enough courtesy and grace.

I'm honestly done. Done with all of it. I've been very vulnerable already.  I'm not doing it again.

It stays short: 'Please do not check up on me again'

Go fuck yourself you selfish bitch.

And I fucking DARE you to ask me how I've been? Because the answer will always be the same-- fine.

'How you doing, ____' 

Fine, dumb bitch. I'm doing fine.

It's not like you've cherry picked me for emotional manipulation all throughout this year.

And the holidays?! The fucking holidays?

You're a monster, you fucking villain.

I want to yell at you. I want to scream.

Instead, I think I'm gonna write my therapy dream.

And maybe when you inevitably ask me how I'm doing, I'll cry. Will that make things clear for you? Will that make you happy?! Will you feel like you've won?!

~

I'm pausing my dream letter to say I'd really like to be vindictive right now.

I'd like to follow her on Instagram and like the picture of her and her girlfriend.

Fucking bitch.

~

Pausing again, because I must me a fucking joke to her.

I must look like a pining fool who is an easy target.

What must it be like to have someone want you and, in return, you lead them on.

How horrible of a person do you have to be to disrespect someone's boundaries they set with you because they trusted you.

Am I just some weak, childish fucking idiot to her?

IS THAT WHY IT TOOK HER AN HOUR RO TEXT ME BACK FRIDAY?! Because she was with her FUCKING GIRLFRIEND?!  

~

You fucking suck.

I can even give you the one freebie. Maybe the first text was innocent.

I mean, fuck. Maybe so was the second one.

But you could have left it at that.

As a matter of fact, you could have just not texted me after gym hours.

You could have not texted me the next morning. You know, the same day you were with YOUR FUCKING GIRLFRIEND?!?!

FUUUUUUUUUCK. You fucking jerk.

You fucking suck.

I no longer trust you. I want nothing to do with you. I really want to be petty. I really want to lash out. I really want to get down and dirty.

Instead, I'm gonna do what's in my best interest.

I gave you a chance in our last meeting. I gave you a clear out. I pushed you away and gave you enough reason to push me away.

And not only did you not do that, you fucking took it and ran with it.

You ruined my Christmas but you got to enjoy yours with someone you love.

And I hate you for that.

Hate you.

~

Honestly, I'm done talking.

I'm not giving her more ammunition to fuck with my head. She's cut off completely.

I'm going cold.

Her texts don't exist. Her small talk doesn't exist. Her attention is inconsequential. 

Because to her, I don't matter. I'm just an object.

So now, so is she. Fuck you.

I will be icing you out until kingdom come and I honestly wish I'd done it sooner.

Now you'll get to see just how cold I can be.

Stay the fuck away from me.

Don't speak to me, don't look at me, just don't.

If I get there and you're teaching class, guess who's doing open gym? If I get there and you're in open gym, guess who's going to class?

I really cannot fucking believe this shit. What the actual fuck?

I am so angry right now.

Oh! And the new profile picture? A trip to Switzerland with her girlfriend. 

WHAT THE FUCK, WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!

I really thought this was something special. Turns out, it's something from the depths of hell trying to break me month after month.

What lesson am I not learning? What am I not seeing? What am I doing wrong? What am I missing?

~

I'm so mad I can't sleep. I just want to punch her.

I can't wait to fucking ice her out.

I don't want to get your fucking friend. I don't want to be friendly.

Did I do something to deserve this? What did I do wrong?

And now I'm crying again. 

Why would someone do this? How could someone do this?

What did I do? I don't understand. 

Why is this happening to me? I really really tried. I really did.

I did all the healthy things I knew/know to do.

I just feel like this is my fault because I let this happen-- I let all of this happen.

Am I blind? Am I stupid?

Why me? What about me says disturb my peace? What about me says drain my joy? 

Why would she want to 'help me?'

I'm really upset right now. Upset as in silently crying more than silently stewing.

I feel like such a fucking idiot.

She's repeatedly made me feel like an idiot.

It's like she's got her sights set on me and nothing I say or do matters.

I tried to keep my distance, that didn't work.

I tried avoiding her, that didn't work. 

I blocked her, that upset her.

I tried being honest and upfront, and that just gave her leverage.

Is she obsessed with me? What does she want from me?

How do I shake her?

~

So after Googling, these are my options:

1. Blocking/Deleting them

2. No contact (no sharing, no taking, no responding)

Wait a minute. She is leading me on, by definition.

I literally Googled it on a whim and here's a clip of the article:

"This can encompass a range of behaviors, such as flirting, making promises, or showing affection, all while knowing that you don't see a future with that person.

Essentially, it's like extending a guiding hand, beguiling someone to believe that there's a path ahead filled with mutual feelings and possibilities when in reality, you're aware that the approach may not be as promising as it seems. This can be unintentional, driven by a desire to avoid hurting the other person's feelings, or a reluctance to be upfront about your emotions. However, it can also be a deliberate act of manipulation, where someone knowingly takes advantage of another's affections for personal gain or ego boost."

Another one:

"Love bombing, showering you with affection and compliments, then being distant, then hinting at possibilities then avoiding plans, but still sending funny posts or liking your photos, replying to stories etc to string you along and keep you invested. Best way to deal with it is to just block them from everything and move on."

~

I just went ahead and blocked the two gym pages too. Whatever I need to know, I'll either find out another way or I won't. I don't fucking care.

And I'm gonna keep reading articles.

~

"I'm TrYiNg To FiGuRe My SiTuAtIoN oUt RiGhT nOw"

FUCK you. You take a confusing situation to SWITZERLAND?! Another fucking COUNTRY?!

You're a villain. You are a fucking villain.

~

"No matter what people may be going through, cruel actions are still cruel, especially when a person knows exactly what they’re doing. Even the most well respected and noble people are capable of destructive behaviour. A stand out line from the film Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon is, “When it comes to emotions, even great heroes are capable of being idiots”

~

I'm definitely being led on.

She can be confused about her feelings, she can be a villain-- I don't fucking care.

I'm done. I'm tired.

I don't care about her side of things anymore.

I care about me.

I'm over it. I'm worth more than this bullshit.

~

Crying on fucking Christmas. 

Fuck that.

I wish I'd never done any of this. I should've ignored you. I should've pushed you away.

So, now, I will be ignoring you and I will be pushing you away.

That's it-- that's her motive.

She just wants to keep me in her pocket and it's a no for me dawg.

Fuck that. I will never be ok with that.

Our time is done. Next year, she's no one to me.

What a shitty way to be. What a shitty thing to do to someone.

I'm nobody's fool. But I can make you feel foolish.

No more masturbating until I get my mental sorted. And now I'm gonna close my eyes and dream of ways to tell her to go fuck herself.