hope and disappointment

Yesterday, I had therapy.

I shared with my therapist that I'd started overthinking and ruminating about gym girl again. I also shared about how I've been allowing it to happen, not being hard on myself, and then coming back from each moment.

So I've been fantasizing about if things pan out, giving myself grace, not beating myself up, and being realistic about my right here, right now.

And the session was good. She brought up that I may have been experiencing the Letdown Effect and I was like 'oh! That totally makes sense' and then talked about the gym comp day. Now that I realize I'd been living it up, it was only natural that my trauma brain kind of had a difficult time processing that day.

All in all, she also agreed that I handled it well.

And I explained to her I don't think I've ever had a fear of things going well like I do now with gym girl.

But right as we were about to end session, she told me that she wants me to practice and prepare for disappointment. She said with the amount of hope and trust I've been learning to exude this year, the other side of that coin is disappoinment.

So she wants me to make a plan for the instances I am disappointed so I have somewhere safe to land. That way when disappoinment inevitably happens, I'm ready and know how to cope.

I understand the logic of that-- makes perfect sense.

BUT ALSO, if I were to read into it for juuuuust a second, is that her telling me without telling me that gym girl will never choose me.

I mean, I also logically understand that gym girl is in a relationship and seems to be staying in that relationship. I've already not been chosen.

So... I don't know. But I would assume this is also just a part of me overthinking. 

Woo. Jesus. Trauma is not fun.

I also had a realization and moment of acceptance on Saturday that I did have a traumatic childhood and I can easily see, now, how it was traumatic.