feeling feelings as they pass

I had a moment where I wandered what will happen if gym girl proposes to his girlfriend for New Year's.

Then I went to my Instagram to look at our Branson trip again. That was the last time I had real fun with my family. 

Then I remembered how gym girl almost broke her neck trying to avoid watching me put on lip gloss.

*Sigh* ok, dang shoot. Feelings suck sometimes.

Focus on the breath, come back to the present. 

~

I just talked on the phone with my old Dom for about an hour.

I am certain I did not miss out on him being the love of my life. I love him dearly, but he jokingly minimizes me going to therapy.

The love of my life is going to be supportive and proud of me going to therapy. 

~

I just remembered how I told gym girl about the dream I had of my dad handin me a dead dog. The look on her face was one of heartbreak. 

God. I can't believe I told her that. I mean, I can believe it but I am in disbelief lol.

But in remembering that, the dream is even crazier now seeing as how I have internalized the way my family has treated dogs. 

The way they disregard dogs is the same way I feel disregarded.

~

Today, my best friend brought up the fact that I recently changed my profile picture.

I changed it to a picture of me at the company Christmas party because it's a happy memory.

And now I'm thinking about gym girl's profile picture and how it's one her girlfriend took on their trip out of the country...

I hate myself a little right now. Maybe I read her wrong. I shouldn't have tried to read her at all.

...this just really sucks. So every time she sees that picture, she'll be reminded of the trip they took together.

Meanwhile, I'm at home licking my wounds, tending to my broken heart, and trying to radically accept how I fucked myself here.

And now she pities me and that's just great.

Who doesn't love to be pitied and pacified?

I feel like an idiot. 

She's happy and content and I'm stuck in the shittiest cycle of grief I've ever experienced.

And she's pretending like everything is fine.

Texting me, complimenting my hair, taking barbells from me, getting in close from behind to talk to me while I bike...

Gotdammit.

~

I just really wish I knew when I'd be done feeling like this. When do they go away? How long does it take?

When will I not be attracted to her? When will she not make me nervous?

When does this grief cycle end?

When do I get my person? And will it even be worth any of this?

~

And now I'm laying in bed, buried under a soft blanket and my fluffy comforter, dog snuggled in, watching Whose Line is It Anyway?

...by myself. No girlfriend, no boyfriend. No lover, no love interest.

Just me. 

~

Why can't she just go back to ignoring me? I thought that's what she'd do.

She ignored me before I told her, why stop now?