i'm done being fucked with

I can't believe it took me this long to come to my senses.

I had a dream that she texted me again. 'she really likes me, give her some time this year to figure things out' blah blah blah.

FUCK YOU!

Just fuck you.

I cannot believe I let you make me feel this way. I let you in and you fucked me over.

You picked me out and fucking played me.

Fuck you.

You saw me at my most vulnerable and fucked with me.

For that, you can politely fuck off.

This is probably the worst Christmas I've had in a long time.

I realize my family sucks because it's stuck in this trauma loop. My love life is non-existent because I don't want to be hurt. And the person I thought I could trust, thought I could live, turns out to be a manipulative fuck who's only looking out for herself.

I don't know what more I need to see, how much more I need to cry.

She is, and has been, treating me horribly.

She's a fuck girl that thinks she's a good person.

And I no longer think she's a good person.

She's selfish, inconsistent, inconsiderate and I refuse to be victim to this head game anymore.

And, now, after have read that article about her twice again this weekend and getting those texts from her, I'm starting to feel like her actions are and always were very intentional.

Apparently I have idiot written across my mother fucking forehead.

And now walls are just flying up, left and right.

Maybe I am meant to be alone. Maybe I won't find love.

What if I'm worthy but never find someone who believes that's true?

What if all the love this world has for me is platonic?

What if I'm destined to be a virgin forever and never find someone who...

I can't do this.

~

The person who's supposed to love me by default is a fucking horrible human being.

The person who I thought loved me actually despises me and has manipulated me from birth.

The person who does love me taught me that all of that was acceptable.

And the person I was falling for, opened me up just to leave me vulnerable to be a victim to her selfishness she passes off as heroism when she's just a fucking villain hiding behind her title to manipulate me into believing I can trust her.

And I'm in therapy because of all of them.

I really feel like running away. What a horrible time of year to come to my senses.

~

What a horrible thing to do to someone.

What a terrible way of being.

And her poor girlfriend's probably got it worse.

But also, I did it. In the end, I'm doing the work.

I was attracted to her and tried to stay away because she has a girlfriend. I needed help, and she helped me. I thought I could trust her, so I did. I figured out I was getting mixed signals so I blocked her. When she tried to guilt me, I verbally set my boundaries to her face. I have her terms of engagement and she broke them.

Now, I walk.

It just fucking sucks to end up this way.

~

When I start icing her out and she feels shitty, I hope she knows and understands she did this.

And if she doesn't, I'll be more than happy to explain that to her.

~

Ohmygah I almost lost myself behind this bitch.

What a fucking nightmare.

~

In EMDR, my moment of discovery happened in one statement: I don't get close to people because I'm afraid that I will settle for whatever they're willing to give me because I didn't believe I was good enough to demand better, to deserve better.

And now I'm journaling about how I'm done with her. I've done all I can to keep her around in any capacity I could this year. The one thing that was missing was clarity. Once I expressed my issues and shared my needs, I made it clear to both of us what was happening and what can no longer happen.  Now that the lines were drawn, I no longer have to guess if she's crossing them. She is, and I'm out.

What a difference EMDR has made. I don't think I would've done any of this had I not started doing that therapy.

It's a reminder I need right now because I was starting to doubt again if I could trust myself.

My gut told me I could trust gym girl and look where that got me. But that same gut, partnered with my knowledge, told me it was time to start EMDR. 

I am so glad I did. Because I honestly don't know how I would've broken this loop without it. Gym girl was the epitome of me settling for what I can get.

And for a long time I thought it was what I wanted. I thought it was good enough. 

Now I know it's just tumultuous.

The same gut that told me to trust her, is the same gut that's telling me to trust her (if that makes sense). Based on her initial actions, I trusted that she wanted to help me. Based on her recent actions, I can trust that she wants to help me but has ulterior motives.

I don't want your help. I don't want your company. I don't want anything from you.

You stupid, stupid bitch.

I mean, live your best life, love who you want but do not fuck with my head.

How could you be so terrible?

And I'm almost circling back to 'maybe she didn't mean.' And I get my trauma brain is downplaying my hurt and trying to normalize her behavior to make it seem suitable but it's not.

God, I feel so broken. Damaged.

But she is fully aware of how I feel and how the emotional stuff confuses things for me. And still she led with emotions. I thought it was because maybe she'd broken up with her girlfriend, but she hasn't.

That only leaves one thing-- she wants to confuse me. If she didn't, that text could've been a general 'nice job on the barbell, hope you're doing well, merry Christmas'

Instead she inquired about my emotional state, followed it up with bullshit AFTER GYM HOURS. And, even though she could have ended it there, proceeded to text me the next morning. And none of this felt professional. The grammar was non-existent. 

And although I Googled her just to see what else I could find out about her, I'm glad I stumbled upon that picture. I'm glad I was able to knock out my confusion on my own in a safe space instead of waiting on her to clear things up because obviously that's not her forte.

Fucking bitch.