back to work tomorrow

I'm coming down from my anger now.

I'm still upset, still mad. But I'm not fuming anymore.

I feel defeated. I admit defeat.

She wins whatever game this is. I give up.

I've gotten out of my fancy pajamas and into my casual ones. I put on my Oodie, turned on Weeds, and started arting. 

I picked up the piece I started because of her. It has her name in it. And now I'm gonna finish it while my body processes.

~

I'm taking a minute to cry again.

Because apparently she just sees me as an idiot. A very weak and stupid idiot she can fuck around with in her spare time. An idiot she can leave hanging and come back to as she sees fit.

Fuck. 

I can't believe I fell for it.

I did what I can to keep her away from me.

I even went through my email to do the email version of blocking her. All gym socials are blocked, all of her socials are blocked. 

The only thing I haven't blocked is the gym number. I'll have to figure that one out.

She's a fucking idiot and I hate her.

Her stupid face is stupid lol.

I cannot believe it.

Fuck her, very much.

She better not try to confront me either.

What a fucking mess.

~

I finished and photographed the piece.

~

I just laughed for the first time in 22 hours.

~

I kept having dreams that I was falling last night. Not falling off of something, but falling into nothing. I dreamt it twice and it jarred me awake each time.

~

Crying again. Just tears running.

And Weeds just made me laugh again.

~

I told her I was weak and she circled me like a fucking vulture.

I'm done with her-- done with all of this. 

Done with trying to make sense of things. I don't caaaaaaaare. I don't fucking care anymore. I'm tired.

I'm tired and I want off this ride.

~

*sings to the tune of I'm a Little Teapot*

I'm a little dumb bitch, here me shout

I trusted someone who made me doubt

If I was imagining what was real

She was just a fucking vamp looking for her next meal

~

I feel like a fucking zombie. 

~

Times like this I feel I should be suicidal.

But I think I'm too determined even when I feel this defeated. I guess life's funny like that.

I didn't come this far to eat shit and die. Fuck that. I was born to find my place in this world and I'm gonna fucking do it.

I'm just gonna cry first. And maybe be a little depressed. 

But then I'm gonna be back on my bullshit.

So I'm entering low powermode. I'm not doing anything that requires me to really exhaust myself. I'm gonna keep it light at the gym. I'm gonna put some walls up.

I'm gonna move on and see what's next for me.

~

I cannot wait to see my therapist tomorrow.

~

I just signed up to volunteer.

~

I also started reading Radical Acceptance again.

Apparently, my anger towards her shouldnt drive me to lash out at her or myself. 

I should stay in the present with my feelings, accepting that I'm hurt is part of this process. Thinking about how I can lash out or being self-deprecating is just my attempt to change the channel. To resist my feelings instead of accepting the experience by honoring my sucky feelings.

Berating myself, feeling shame, wanting to make her hurt are what keep me suffering. Only with compassion towards myself, can I tend to my hurt in a way that takes care of me they way I should.

Basically any effort I make to blame or shame myself or hurt the person who hurt me, is me not wanting to accept what happened. It's me trying to force a vindication to erase my pain. It's me beating myself up to to water down the effects of my experience.

Fuck.