back on routine, day 2

Well, I didn't cry last night.

I did have a really good sleep. Then I woke up because my period is apparently back again. Twice in a month. I've been stress bleeding since Friday but yesterday I had a blood clot so fuck me.

Anyway, I woke up, went to the bathroom and then went back to bed. But then I couldn't sleep for a minute. I kept thinking about her and I was like 'NOPE, NU UH'. I tried shaking it by myself for a while, then I put on a Headspace Soundscape of rain. That didn't help. I kept thinking about that picture she took on the water. I stubbornly listened to the rain anyway, trying to take it back from her.

After what felt like 30 minutes of fighting, I took my headphones out and just laid there. And then I rolled over, closed my and kept saying 'I'm free from this bondage, I will not think of her' and that seemed to work because I fell asleep lol.

I had a dream I was out hanging out by myself and ran into my gym friend group. They invited me to come hang with them so I did. 

I sat at their table next to this really attractive masc. We were eating and I saw my water cup and made a motion for it to be passed to me. She intercepted it and was joking with me about it, telling me she didn't believe I drank that much water. And I laughed and said yes I do, and told her I drink like 3 of those today.

And we were flirting. Vibes were there and I was attracted.

Then we left and they invited me to come with them. So I left my car and hopped in one of theirs. I was in the front seat and the girl I was flirting with was driving. She took us to their Airbnb and I started thinking crap, I have a hotel room I need to check out of and all my stuff is in there, not even packed.

I asked them about their house and what they were all staying together for and they said the Open they were competing in. And I was like oh. And, after overthinking for a while, I finally broke and told them I needed to check out of my room and get my car at some point. I said I was gonna get an Uber to do all the things. And then the girl offered to take me and I said no, it's fine. And she insisted and then someone told me to just go. They said she was single, the only single person there besides me. And I was like ....oh lol. And I asked if they brought her around for me and they just laughed and insisted that I go with her.

She she'd take me tonight so I wouldn't be charged extra. And she's help me get out of any fees if I had them. And then from there, we'd go pick up my car.

Somehow someone insisted they'd take us both and drop us off to get my car first so we could go to the hotel together.

And then I started getting hot lol.

We got my car, went to the hotel. As we were packing, we started in on each other. It was steamy and I asked if we were staying in my room another night.

And then I woke up.

~

I'm just realizing what my therapist meant when she told me maybe gym girl blushing was an admission of guilt. I was like 'guilt of what, being attracted to me?'

Now, I think I understand. It was her guilt and shame because she knew she was flirting with me and doing things she shouldn't. That's why she ignored me in class that day. That's why she wanted to have that meeting. Because she used me until she didn't need me anymore and she detactched and pushed me away. She knowingly left me holding this bag of attraction and confusion.

She fucked up and never thought I would confront her about it in anyway. She probably hoped I never confronted her ever. That's why she didn't have this profound professional statement to give me. Because she didn't have anything to fucking say. 

It wasn't her being cute. I threw her actions back in her face and she wasn't expecting that.

Because why would I block her if, to her, everything was fine.

What a bitch.

~

I'm her fuck up.

I'm her mistake.

And me confronting her was a confirmation of just how badly she truly fucked up.

~

I'm more used to being used than being appreciated.

She used me.

~

I was afraid that I would be/was falling behind at work. But I got a lot done today with the help of our Assistant. 

My brain is still faintly romanticizing and trying to give me and gym girl a happy ending.

There won't be a romantic one. And honestly, there probably won't be one that's not awkward.

When does the want go away? When do the fantasies stop?