anger & peace

I had an angry dream.

First, I was literally in an episode of House of Payne. It was a brightly colored kitchen scene.

The dad of that boy whose mom is Jeneen the crackhead was giving his son grace for something. Curtis was upset and was respectfully questioning his decision. The dad got visibly more and more upset and aggressively defended the way he decided to parent his son.

He said he understood he was in already in the hot seat for having drugs, but what good is punishing him more for telling the truth about something he could have kept a secret. 

And then I felt myself getting mad. Which is weird because I understand his stance. 

But I got mad and all of a sudden the scene switched and I was in some version of my childhood home. It was darkly colored. It was darkly colored in real life now that I think about it. It hasn't always been that way; at least my room hadn't. I actually, to this day, still hate how dark my mom's decorations are. But I have a picture of me as a kid wearing bright colors and my room was brightly colored and I had the biggest smile on my face.

Anyways, I was back in some version of our house. My dad was there in place of the tv dad and my mom was there instead of Curtis. 

And my dad ended up saying a tainted, self-serving glorified version of the TV dad speech. About how what good is something if honesty wasn't there. And I got heated and let loose.

In a tone of pure support, I commended him and said 'you are so right'. And then my tone changed and I yelled 'so be honest and tell us the truth'. And he acted as if he was so taken aback. And I let him have it. But I don't remember what I said.

I do know my parents weren't necessarily a couple in this dream.

And at one point, he walked away I got scared. He came back with a ring box and I was riddled with fear. He opened it in a gesture to my mom and asked sarcastically 'what if we got married and had a little girl who was so bright eyed and happy'

Which is fucking ironic now that I think about it because he never even proposed to my mom.

That gesture disgusted me. I yelled again saying 'what fucking good is that when her dad will sit at home with his feet kicked up while she was in the other room trying to figure out how to take care of herself'

And then the dream ended and I woke up.

I went to pee and now I'm laying down in bed.

I wasn't gonna write this dream just yet. But I went to fall asleep again and immediately started imagining gym girl pulling me to the side and angrily kissing me to the point where we were fully making out. 

And I tried to shake that idea only to end up with us, still fully angrily making out to the point where she slides her hand down my pants. 

And I tried to shake that one. Then it turned into her confronting me and asking me if I was ok, if everything was fine. And I asked her why does that matter. When I went to walk away, she grabbed my hand and drug me with her to talk in her office.

And somehow I ended up telling her this:

'You texted me Friday. And I was dumb enough-- no. *deep breath* You texted me Friday and I gave you too much credit. I thought to myself 'this is emotional. we talked about this, I was very clear with her. surely she wouldn't text me about something emotional unless something changed' The only thing professional about your texts were the introductory sentences. Those texts were casual and I regret that I ever responded'

And then it went I went quiet for a minute. And the I started crying and said, 'if you care about how I feel, don't compliment me and don't ask me about my emotional state. it's confusing and it's upsetting'

And I said 'I'll be fine, I just need a minute and I'll be ok' And I finished crying and got ready to leave her office.

I know there's chemistry there. I remember how it felt, which is partially why I didn't want to be that close to her Wednesday when she stepped into my space to take my barbell.

I had a Olympic women's barbell. Those are 35 lbs. I couldn't pass it off like a baton if I tried. I was carrying it vertically. So I stood there as she literally came toe-to-toe with me. So close that I had to look down to make sure it didn't land on her foot when I put on it on the ground to safely hand it off to her. It's a quick handover overall, but it is done carefully so it felt like we were too close for too long. 

But I didn't feel sparks. I just felt scared to be that close to her given everything. I tried really hard to put distance between us during that whole class so the barbell thing was really hard.

All that to say what exactly? I don't know...

But I am happy that instead of allowing a dream of her seducing me to be enough I ended up dreaming about me being vulnerable enough to, again, communicate my needs.

~

I'm high tonight.

I have been really making an effort to sit in radical acceptance this week. I think I just had a moment of clarity because of it.

Gym girl didn't text me because she's a villain. I didn't text her back because I was stupid enough to think something changed.

She texted me because she wanted to. And texted back because I wanted to.

It's simple enough. It's me accepting what happened for what happened. Doesn't mean her intentions were good or bad. In acceptance both get to coexist. Because radical acceptance isn't about the why, it's about the what. The reason why something happened doesn't diminish it's effect. It just adds reason. And whatever the reasoning, it's your  job to validate the way you felt in that moment before you knew why. (I hope that makes sense later).

Shit.

If we were really as connected as I felt, maybe we just miss each other.

Doesn't mean our reasons are the same. She could just miss me as a friend. Miss our normal because now it's just weird.

I just kept repeating this angry cycle of 'why would she text me, we talked about this, I was very clear, I told her not to do it so she shouldn't have done it'

Why would this person who I have no control over do specifically what I asked them to do just because I asked them to do it?

I don't know why I never saw it like this.

She is smart. She knows how to be professional. She knows how to be respectful. She's never pushed me to do anything I didn't want to do the entire time I've known her. 

There are still some shitty things that did happen that legitamitely made me feel like shit.

The only reason she would text me, pure intentions are not, is because she wanted to.

Simple enough.

I still don't want to stuck in her loop. I was respectful enough to tell her I wanted out and why (after she got upset lol). I just expected her to respect my actions as well as my wishes effective mmediately. No if ands or buts.

...this must be what my therapist meant by managing my expectations. Makes sense now lol.

The perfectionist in me still wants to know why I just can't expect someone to respect my wishes. I feel like it's a common courtesy that should everyone's default lol.