aggravating acceptance

I am about to masturbate. I just woke up horny from my romance book. 

Instead of watching lesbian porn and imagining her touching me, I am really fucking trying to just touch myself to this audiobook. I'm trying to pull myself into other plots so my mind is busy. 

But I keep imagining, thinking about her. And it's so fucking hard not to. It's hard to change the channel.

And I'm realizing why. It's usually easy for me to forget all about people I fucking cannot stand. I say my peace or don't and then move the fuck on.

Because I wanted to. I did what I wanted to do so I was happy and at peace with the result.

This isn't that. This isn't what I wanted to do. I've been stuck in logic, getting angry at myself because 'bitch you did this so why are you wishing you didn't, why are you still holding on'

Because I didn't want to do it. I did it because I logically understood that it needed to happen. I needed to protect myself from both of us. My emotional state hasn't changed because it didn't want to.

And even if this situation was different, if this was me having to do something I was required to do but wasn't really excited to do, I'd feel the same way. I'd be sad and thinking about what it would have been like to get to do what I wanted. 

It doesn't make this easier, just more understandable. And the more I understand, the more grace I'm able to freely give myself. 

I also think that's why opening gifts this year made me sad. My sisters were nice enough to get me gifts but I didn't want them. My dad got me something and I didn't want him to. My mom got me the exact item I asked her to-- a set of mixing bowls. What I really wanted was the one I loved from Pottery Barn but they don't sell it anymore. So while I picked them out, while I was happy to get them, it wasn't what I wanted.

But my sisters were both over the moon about each gift they got. And they each said at some point that they got what they wanted.

I don't think I would've felt so disheartened if I didn't just make the tough decision to ignore what I wanted and do what I had to do to take care of myself.

It's hard because I've done all this work to prioritize what I wanted and what I needed. And now, even though it's for the best, I'm pouting because I didn't want this. I didn't want to push her away.

I'm having a difficult time because I didn't want this and I've never been in this space before with someone. 

It was easier to be angry because anger signals to me something I don't want is happening. And if I can direct that anger at someone or at myself, it's easier to want what I need instead of just needing what I need.

It feels stupid. I just feel really dumb now that I see all theses perspectives and possibilities.

I understand them but I wish that wasn't the case. I just wish she could've told me she's sorry but she doesn't feel the same way. 

~

I broke and now I think I'm about to cry. 

I am crying. 

Because I watched a porn I've seen many times but it was just so intimate. And this time I just imagined what it would be like to have anyone touch me like that. To hold me, to feel the weight of their body pressed into me.  

And I just feel more and more like that won't ever happen for me. And I always thought I could maybe just sleep with anyone but I don't think I can. Because quality time is my love language and physical right after. And now, because of gym girl, I understand that I don't want people to hug me, kiss me, or really lovingly touch me if I've been denied the quality time I truly want. 

I need quality time in order to want physical touch.

Fuck. It feels like I'm just doomed.

I don't want to cry. I just wanna be happy and happiness feels more fleeting than anything right now.

~

The second one felt better. It's almost 8 am and I'm going back to sleep for now.

~

I slept in til 10.

I recreated a dessert I didn't like based on a friend's suggestion. I asked my mom to take me to the store to pick up chicken. My bodysuit I bought yesterday fits. 

I picked radical acceptance back up.

I told myself I'd eat breakfast today but I didn't. So I made breakfast for lunch instead. 

And now, my fucking sister is here.

At first I was like "what the fuck". Still kinda am.

Then I remembered I left my food on the counter to cool down. And I was thought to myself 'she is gonna ruin my food, fuck me, ohmygah'

So you know what I did.

Took my food off the counter and brought it to my room.

~

I was scared my mom would invite her to come with us to run errands so I put my sweatshirt back on and went to the store myself.

Turns out, she was loading her car as I was leaving. 

So now I'm in the parking lot of Target, waiting on my things.

~

Sound Bath was excellent. 

We let things go, meditated, set our intentions, did deep breathing.

(I am high right now lol. I have been home for over an hour and I'm in my pajamas, at my desk.)

Anyways, I had an amazing time. Thoughts of gym girl did come up, but I was able to get past them and clear my mind for a very long time.

I don't I've ever written this before but Mazdas annoy me now lol. She drives a Mazda-- that's how I know what to look for when I'm trying to find out if she's at the gym. Every so often I would ask God for a sign, see a Mazda, and be like '....aint no way that was it, send another one' lol

So every time I see one, I roll my eyes lol.

Tangent, I know but I kept seeing them today and trying avoid them.

But I rode for miles behind a Tacoma like the exact one my dad has and didn't even notice until I was almost home. After my sister's graduation this year, I saw a truck exactly like his and it immediately made me scared and panic.

But they don't bother me anymore...

Ok. Back on the Sound Bath.

This time we were given candles to light at the end after we set our intentions. She'd also given us a brown index card with a pink heart sticky note attached to it.

The brown index card was for us to write down things we wanted to release and let go in 2024.

The pink heart sticky note was for us to write down our intention for 2024.

And that felt like a sign.

I'm about to start on my second gratitude jar ever. I have been gathering supplies since Christmas. I ordered pastel cardstock in Easter colors because they felt happy and fun, a cheap, clear cookie jar to switch things up and make it cute, and a heart punch.

This year, on Christmas, I decided to order a heart punch to do heart shapes in my jar instead of plain ole circles. I thought it would make it sweeter, make it feel like I was happy to make myself happy. I thought it would make the jar exude the loving energy I wasn't putting in there.

Heart-shaped sticky note? And it was pastel pink?

Ok, God *tucks hair behind the ear* lol

~

ALSO

She instructed us to give her the brown note so she can sage them and get rid of them. I'm not really a sage girly.

I thought it'd be symbolic to keep it, fold it closed, and tape it shut using my sticky note.

That way, I spend the year burying what I'd like to release in moments of happiness each day.

And when I get ready to dump my jar at the end of the year, I'll see my note and can revisit the intentions I set and reflect on my year.

I might just add that to be part of the jar each year.