what living looks like

I had a moment where I wandered what will happen if gym girl proposes to his girlfriend for New Year's. Then I went to my Instagram to look at our Branson trip again. That was the last time I had real fun with my family.  Then I remembered how gym girl almost broke her neck trying to avoid watching me put on lip gloss. *Sigh* ok, dang shoot. Feelings suck sometimes. Focus on the breath, come back to the present.  ~ I just talked on the phone with my old Dom for about an hour. I am certain I did not miss out on him being the love of my life. I love him dearly, but he jokingly minimizes me going to therapy. The love of my life is going to be supportive and proud of me going to therapy.  ~ I just remembered how I told gym girl about the dream I had of my dad handin me a dead dog. The look on her face was one of heartbreak.  God. I can't believe I told her that. I mean, I can believe it but I am in disbelief lol. But in remembering that, the dream is even crazier now see...

I am about to masturbate. I just woke up horny from my romance book.  Instead of watching lesbian porn and imagining her touching me, I am really fucking trying to just touch myself to this audiobook. I'm trying to pull myself into other plots so my mind is busy.  But I keep imagining, thinking about her. And it's so fucking hard not to. It's hard to change the channel. And I'm realizing why. It's usually easy for me to forget all about people I fucking cannot stand. I say my peace or don't and then move the fuck on. Because I wanted to. I did what I wanted to do so I was happy and at peace with the result. This isn't that. This isn't what I wanted to do. I've been stuck in logic, getting angry at myself because 'bitch you did this so why are you wishing you didn't, why are you still holding on' Because I didn't want to do it. I did it because I logically understood that it needed to happen. I needed to protect myself from both of us....

Finally finding peace about this situation scares me.  What if finding peace makes me enter the cycle again? I really really wanted to masturbate last night. Really fucking bad. But I didn't.  I put on a new romance book just in case I broke. I needed to make sure I wasn't thinking of her while I did it because I had been thinking about her before then. January is around corner, which means so is the anniversary of me joining the gym. I'm scared she might text me again but I kept telling my that 1. it's more than likely definitely gonna be a professional, standard message to congratulate me. That's if they even do that. 2. If it's not, it'll be another opportunity for me to reinforce my boundaries. I'm sober now and I still understand that the motive behind her text doesn't take away how it made me feel. I also understand that we didn't end things on a bad note, I didn't push her away. And just because I asked her to do something doesn't ...

I had an angry dream. First, I was literally in an episode of House of Payne. It was a brightly colored kitchen scene. The dad of that boy whose mom is Jeneen the crackhead was giving his son grace for something. Curtis was upset and was respectfully questioning his decision. The dad got visibly more and more upset and aggressively defended the way he decided to parent his son. He said he understood he was in already in the hot seat for having drugs, but what good is punishing him more for telling the truth about something he could have kept a secret.  And then I felt myself getting mad. Which is weird because I understand his stance.  But I got mad and all of a sudden the scene switched and I was in some version of my childhood home. It was darkly colored. It was darkly colored in real life now that I think about it. It hasn't always been that way; at least my room hadn't. I actually, to this day, still hate how dark my mom's decorations are. But I have a picture of me as ...

Well, I didn't cry last night. I did have a really good sleep. Then I woke up because my period is apparently back again. Twice in a month. I've been stress bleeding since Friday but yesterday I had a blood clot so fuck me. Anyway, I woke up, went to the bathroom and then went back to bed. But then I couldn't sleep for a minute. I kept thinking about her and I was like 'NOPE, NU UH'. I tried shaking it by myself for a while, then I put on a Headspace Soundscape of rain. That didn't help. I kept thinking about that picture she took on the water. I stubbornly listened to the rain anyway, trying to take it back from her. After what felt like 30 minutes of fighting, I took my headphones out and just laid there. And then I rolled over, closed my and kept saying 'I'm free from this bondage, I will not think of her' and that seemed to work because I fell asleep lol. I had a dream I was out hanging out by myself and ran into my gym friend group. They invited...

Today's a full day. Back to work (thank God), I get to see my therapist, and I made plans to go to the gym. And right now I feel a mix of annoyance, anger, tiny bit of excitement about being able to get to my desk, a bit more excitement to see my therapist.  I really don't know how I'm going to respond when I see gym girl. But I do know I'm no longer overthinking it. I'm no longer invested.  I'm no longer trying to justify her actions because honestly, as much as I'd like to believe I'm trying to figure her out, I'm really just trying to justify her actions. They are not justifiable in my eyes anymore and I'm retiring my efforts to do that. Her actions are her own and how I choose to react based on her actions is up to me. I just want to say my peace and move on. Or keep my peace and move on. Either one really. I also had a dream about bees last night.  I was in this apartment-ish area with my mom dad and youngest sister. And there we beehives in...

I'm coming down from my anger now. I'm still upset, still mad. But I'm not fuming anymore. I feel defeated. I admit defeat. She wins whatever game this is. I give up. I've gotten out of my fancy pajamas and into my casual ones. I put on my Oodie, turned on Weeds, and started arting.  I picked up the piece I started because of her. It has her name in it. And now I'm gonna finish it while my body processes. ~ I'm taking a minute to cry again. Because apparently she just sees me as an idiot. A very weak and stupid idiot she can fuck around with in her spare time. An idiot she can leave hanging and come back to as she sees fit. Fuck.  I can't believe I fell for it. I did what I can to keep her away from me. I even went through my email to do the email version of blocking her. All gym socials are blocked, all of her socials are blocked.  The only thing I haven't blocked is the gym number. I'll have to figure that one out. She's a fucking idiot and I h...

Of course, I texted my best friend from my last job last night. Then I sent another form of that text to my other best friend.  As expected, the person I texted first understood and is as confused as me. The second person doesn't understand andbconfused by me. And now I'm updating my old Dom. He is always straight with me. Now I await his reaction. ~ I can't believe it took me this long to see it.  And now I'm gonna book class for tomorrow and pray she doesn't show. I'm just really tired of running from fucked up people. They seem to keep finding me and I can't keep running every time. But I can enforce my boundaries and protect my peace. She is more upsetting than comforting so I'm out. ~  And my old Dom doesn't believe me. He thinks it's just me. This is great. This is great. I'm really over it. I don't want any part of any of this. I don't see how it's hard to understand where in coming from. Gym girl has been coaching for YEAR...

I can't believe it took me this long to come to my senses. I had a dream that she texted me again. 'she really likes me, give her some time this year to figure things out' blah blah blah. FUCK YOU! Just fuck you. I cannot believe I let you make me feel this way. I let you in and you fucked me over. You picked me out and fucking played me. Fuck you. You saw me at my most vulnerable and fucked with me. For that, you can politely fuck off. This is probably the worst Christmas I've had in a long time. I realize my family sucks because it's stuck in this trauma loop. My love life is non-existent because I don't want to be hurt. And the person I thought I could trust, thought I could live, turns out to be a manipulative fuck who's only looking out for herself. I don't know what more I need to see, how much more I need to cry. She is, and has been, treating me horribly. She's a fuck girl that thinks she's a good person. And I no longer think she's a...

Six months from now I'd like to be at peace with my circumstances. I'd like to find happiness and stop prolonging my joy or growth for the sake of others. I'd like to be able to get out of bed and be fully rested. I'd like to snuggle my dog before putting her down into the floor. I'd like to have an outfit for the day already picked out. Something that makes me feel beautiful and strong and confident. I'd like to start my morning routine feeling more encouragement and less dread and annoyance. I'd like to get dressed and then find matching earrings that are fun and cute and go perfectly with my outfit. Ones that make me happy. I'd like to get my purse and water and head to my car. I'd like to get in, get comfortable and drive without stressing about the next time I may have to take it in to get something fixed. I'd like to spend the day surrounded by people who understand me, respect me, cherish me, want to see me happy, root for my success, enjo...

I googled her. I've been doing that since she texted me. I googled her tonight and did Google images. And there was an Instagram picture that popped up-- of her with her girlfriend. And Google says it's from two fucking days ago. TWO DAYS AGO?!?! TWO DAYS AGO?! ~ I checked. I broke and I checked her page and it's from two days ago. TWO FUCKING DAYS AGO. FUCK YOU. Just fuck you. And now I'm crying on Christmas. Why is she doing this? Why is she doing this to me? I hate her. I fucking hate her.  I hate her.  I wish I'd never responded. I trusted you. I trusted you with a lot of myself. I trusted you with my truth. I trusted you with my honesty. I trusted you to respect my boundaries and you didn't. You fucking didn't and I hate you for that. I hate you so fucking much. Why would you do that? Why would you set me up like that? Why do that to me? I told your sister. I fucking told you and you don't seem to give a shit about how your actions make me feel. Fuc...

Welp. She didn't ask me out lol. Honestly, I didn't think she'd text me again after Friday night but there she was Saturday morning. I just need her to tell me something. Has something changed? And I am fighting the temptation to unblock her. Fighting. ....fuck. I really like her and I really want this to be something.

She texted me again first thing this morning. It seems really casual. And as bad as I want to ask her about herself, if things have changed, or what she wants, I'm not. I really need her to tell me what it is or isn't herself. She knows where I stand and she's doing this. It's a start that I'll take. But I'm gonna be really pissed at her if she still has a fucking girlfriend. ~ I also came hard three time this morning. So there's that... ~ I think she's done. At least for now. We now have 8 texts. The only one that's "formal" from her is the first one. The rest are more casual than I've ever gotten from her.

She texted me. I was riding my waves from today. Work went well. Gym was fun. I had a friend show up for class and I thought gym girl wasn't there.  I left thinking of reasons why me romanticizing the holidays was not the best idea. I kept thinking, hoping she'd reach out and tell me how she feels about me. Christmas is the time to do that, right? But she wasn't at the gym. So that means she doesn't want me. Another check in the rejection column. While I was changing, I gave myself a pep talk and then went to have a good class. I left the gym, talked myself down and started my coping routine.  I put on my titration playlist and went to get my groceries. On the way there, I just kept thinking 'see? She doesn't want me. I should have never romanticized anything. I should have never thought for a second she'd show up and tell me she likes me.' And as I was pulling into the parking lot of Target, I got a text. No big deal. I looked at my watch to see who it...

I don't know how long I've been here, but I have been going in and out of fight or flight mode. Maybe since Friday? ...no. I was mentally exhausted Friday. I even said that out loud while I was lifting with a friend. I think I've been here since I decided to ride with my mom and sister Saturday night to go get my other sister. Two things upset me: 1. Something happened where she chose not to stand up for herself and make her wants heard. Instead she cowered to stay safe but then blamed someone else for maybe having caused her to even be put in that situation. I told her she could've just lied or have been honest. And then I told her she can use me in her lie when the time comes. 2. She was talking about something negative and how God must have intended for it to be this way and how the person will come around to be better.  And then it all came together (unfortunately for me, I was high at the time so it was more intense than I liked). My immediate thought was 'and ...

Yesterday, I had therapy. I shared with my therapist that I'd started overthinking and ruminating about gym girl again. I also shared about how I've been allowing it to happen, not being hard on myself, and then coming back from each moment. So I've been fantasizing about if things pan out, giving myself grace, not beating myself up, and being realistic about my right here, right now. And the session was good. She brought up that I may have been experiencing the Letdown Effect and I was like 'oh! That totally makes sense' and then talked about the gym comp day. Now that I realize I'd been living it up, it was only natural that my trauma brain kind of had a difficult time processing that day. All in all, she also agreed that I handled it well. And I explained to her I don't think I've ever had a fear of things going well like I do now with gym girl. But right as we were about to end session, she told me that she wants me to practice and prepare for disapp...

It is a little after 6 am and I was went to my Blocked list on Instagram to see her profile picture. Did I go to see if her girlfriend was in it with her? Yes. Is she in it? No. But it's a different picture. One of her full on just about and she's smiling at the camera. And now my brain is going 'who took the picture? Was it her girlfriend? Where'd she take it? On another vacation with her girlfriend?' I don't know how I ended up back here, with her running around my brain. I mean, I do know.  The gym friend asking me at random is I was gonna be there that Friday as if something special was happening and then gym girl ends up being in class. That's the same day she was the most 'normal' she's been with me, outside of her complimenting my hair which is still confusing to me. And her outsmarting me by repeatedly coming up behind me instead of when I can see her, kept me from avoiding her. Then the gym party thing. As she was walking past me in my d...

I had the time of my life over the last couple of weeks. I went out the day after Thanksgiving and hung out with two friends from work. We drank, we sang, we bonded. It was good stuff. Last Friday was our office Christmas party. I was high, got drunk, bonded, laughed. Stayed at a friend's house after, the whole nine. I smoked for the first time. It was a hoot. And I have simultaneously been mentally preparing myself for EMDR that's scheduled for Monday. I have been nervous but I'm ready.  But I guess I've also been worried about what that means for me and gym girl. I don't know. I mean, I do know. I'm afraid that this next EMDR will make her lost to me forever. I'm unsure about whether I want that but at the same time, I do want that if tbe alternative is what I left behind. But I'm scared and I'm worried and slightly paranoid apparently. It showed today. Today was the EOYear gym party. Competition to start, fun and food to end. Initially, I wasn...