sort of aimless

I feel like I've just been floating, at least for the past few days.

I-- ok, first, I did just start my period like 3 days ago. Very spotty and today's really my first full day. So I know that has something to do with it.

But I also just feel plain. Like I can't ruminate on anything but I also would love to put work stuff off. But I'm also tackling work stuff. But I'm also happy but I also don't know how to feel towards my family, towards gym girl.

I also know the holidays are probably taking a slight toll on me too. And now I kind of want to cry a little.

I'm on the toilet at work lol. I just needed to change my space... and pee. 

My brain feels very tired. I bought vitamin d this morning to keep at my desk.

I am working solo today, which is good.

I don't know. I feel stuck. 

I'm in and out of flight or fight in my car. I'm still soothing myself and using my EMDR resources.

I guess I just feel drained. And now I'm crying.

This year has been very good but also very heavy.

I thought I was getting somewhere with my dad's oldest daughter, and my family made that difficult.

I thought I was getting somewhere with my family, but then they started falling back in to old habits.

I thought I was getting somewhere with gym girl and then that got nixed and mixed up.

I have a slight headache.

I thought the year would end differently.

I thought I'd be happier around my family. I thought I'd be with gym girl. 

I just thought a lot of things wrong.

And I know and understand that things ending differently does not mean they will end worse and it doesn't mean it won't actually end better.

But I was really hopeful and I think I'm started to feel the loss. Because at least when my family stuff started going to shit, I had gym girl there. She understood, she cared for some reason, she was there wanting to help. 

And now I don't have that either.

She felt safe. We felt right. So to have that no longer be a thing and then for me to solidify that verbally with her is just really hard.

I do have therapy at 3:00 pm today so I am very much looking forward to that.

I just wish things could be different.

~

I also feel like I'm the only one that's sad about this and it's not fair.

Gym girl, yet again and still, gets to just forget me and refocus on her gym and her relationship.

It's like nothing ever happened and it's very upsetting to feel so forgotten-- left behind.

It's triggering.

I'm having a hard time listening to romance books again, getting into my weekly podcasts.

I have been able to rewatch Insecure. That's been really nice. And I was able to watch documentaries while I did my hair this weekend. I did cry sad tears during one of them because it was heartbreaking. But it was ok.

Today, not so much. Maybe I'll watch a trash reality show. Those usually make me feel a bit better.

And I haven't stopped taking care of myself.

I went to the movies Friday after work since the gym was closed. I did my hair Saturday. I went and grabbed breakfast, I ordered dinner. Sunday I made a cake that was fun and smelled great. I washed my clothes. I went shopping briefly with my mom. I rested the rest of the day. I've been letting down my windows in the car to keep me cool. I keep and eat sour candy in my car to keep panic at bay. I just allowed myself to emote earlier. I wiped my face with my face wipe as a part of TIP therapy, to change my temperature.

I am taking care of me. My emotions are just a lot right now.

I am pulling [my hair] a little more today than yesterday but I'm trying to be mindful and kind to myself about it.

My hair does look pretty. I look pretty.

I just feel a tad bit shitty. 

~

Fuck me, ohmygah.

EMDR was a processing day and Jesus...

I was in there on the gasping cry-edge of ugly crying. I pulled memories that made me feel unworthy and not enough and my God, today.

Really brief:

- the memory of my academic achievements not being enough

- the memory of not being good enough to have a separate gift from my sister

- my choice to not be promoted not being good enough

- being messy as a kid not being good enough and crying on the bathroom floor because my mom called me ungrateful

- not being good enough to have my side picked out loud when I finally let my sister have it that night

- not being good enough for gym girl to even speak to when her girlfriend came to the gym even though I was apparently good enough to not only flirt with but share personal information with

And then we took all of that and pushed it behind the door. 

Fuck. That was really hard.