ok God, I see you

Listeeeeeeeeen

The symphony last night was beautiful!!

BEAUTIFUL!

I had such a good time with my fran! We always have a ball together.

We did some life update, some sharing, some vulnerability. 

It was great. I was looking like a snack, she was looking like a snack. It was fun to be cute and out with friends enjoying life as it comes.

The entire time I had to purposefully push gym girl out of my mind. Every time I enjoy something, my mind goes to her and how I'd love to enjoy that something with her.

But I was kind to myself every time the thoughts came up and politely brushed them aside. And then I took in my surroundings and let the music engulf me.

And I drove home so happy, singing at the top of my lungs. And I was so excited when I got home that I couldn't sleep.

And right before I masturbated to go to sleep lol, the girl I competed with at the gym gave me her and her husband's tickets for a concert tomorrow for free. They have a family thing and can't go and I was shooketh.

And immediately texted my friend and was like 'here's the rundown, you down?' And she said yaaaaaass lol. So we're gonna go!

~

A wave of sadness sort of came and went a minute ago.

I was giggling at my podcast this morning and someone mentioned FaceTime and my brain immediately took me back to when gym girl posted that screenshot of her and her girlfriend on FaceTime after she'd spend that week up my ass at the gym.

I really don't understand what her intentions were, what she wanted out of us being close.

Like, helping is one thing. But sharing and flirting is another. 

I have never been so confused.

~

I'm trying to put those questions in the back of my brain for therapy this evening because I can't with that.

Also my best friend called when I was at my friend's house last night. She asked what I was doing cause I hadn't told her I was going anywhere cause we hadn't talked since I agreed to go. When I told her she was a little butt hurt. And I know that because when she was ending the call she basically said she'll let me go so we can bond. It was in her tone.

Maybe she was joking, but I don't believe she was. So I let her feel her feelings and disconnected the call because I didn't want that to overshadow my night. She has every right to feel a way because those are her emotions. But it doesn't mean I'm gonna immediately swoop in to console her.

I'm also a tad bit mentally exhausted again.

And my work friend wants to go to a comedy show with this weekend. She's trying to decide if she wants to or not because she has plans the day before so we shall see.

I think my Parts are trying to play peek-a-boo so I'm gonna relax my brain for a bit before this meeting today.

~

Also I bought more tights last night for winter. My dog snagged my last pair of garters and idk if I saved them well enough.

And I bought the clothes from my cart after applying my credit to the order.

So gots to keep an eye on my spending during this time to make sure I'm not stress buying stuff.

~

Welp. Therapy is cancelled for today.

Not a big deal, but my original plans for this week have not been panning out.

Fuck a duck, ohmygah. 

Ok.

Gym it is. And I'd talked myself into doing Active Recovery today but nooooow I'm gonna be in class.