monday before thanksgiving

I went to my first hockey game with my Dallas friend on Saturday! It was great!

We Ubered, got drunk, and had a blast lol.

I did sit next to a girl that had very masc energy and was immediately like 'well, shit'. I had to actually look at her to tell myself 'this is not gym girl'.

*Eye roll*

I am thoroughly confused by her now. Last night I couldn't sleep so I tried to remember some moment we shared. I could remember them, but I couldn't see them as vividly anymore. And I almost started rereading entries and was like 'no, what is that gonna help me with right now?'

I was confused before but certain she liked me. Saturday I started reading Quiet again and when I picked up where I left off, they talked about how blushing and looking away, when done together, was a natural human reaction to show embarrassment...

And I still got nothing. 

I don't know. My brain feels less connect-the-dot-ish.

I only go to the gym one time this week and I honestly don't know if I want to see her there.

I don't get it. I really don't.

You flirt with me, you get to know me at my core, you spend time with me, and we're just friends. But when your girlfriend is there, you ignore my text and me until it's convenient for you not to.

Then you ask me to come in literally the next day to talk to you-- but only for 15 minutes.

And then you go ghost yet again after about a week.

And then the next time you pop up is brunch. And we fall right back into each other. 

And then you're gone.

My body scan comes up, and you push me off. Even though you're the reason I missed my last one. Then I try to give your business a free desk chair, and it's radio silent.

Then I finally get clarity and angry enough to block you and you show up, sitting at the front desk seemingly waitkng for me to come in. And then I find you waiting outside the bathroom after I finish changing.

...it's just so fucking many 'and then' moments.

And there's very few where you are able to be honest with me about how you feel.

And maybe that's how we end up having moments like Friday.

I've never ever met anyone that wanted to be my friend so fucking badly that it felt more like flirting than friendship.

And now I'm starting to feel more like maybe this is just all some game to you.

~

I need her to figure herself out. Right now, that story she told me of her ex breadcrumbing her sounds alot like what she's doing to me.

Was any of that with her real? Was it ever? 

Or has this all been about her, competing with other people to just be my friend?

I don't understand any of this.

I want to know her 'why'

I feel like I don't know what's real. I'm just doubting everything right now.

~

Also, I watched a movie with my old Dom yesterday. We both like Nicholas Cage and I was telling him about this movie he's in. He found it and started watching with me.

It was nice lol.

~

I'm just back because how'd we go from 'as far as coaching goes...I want to make sure yadda yadda' to you telling me you like my hair??