last night

Welp. I had a dream last night.

Gym girl's girlfriend came to me and asked me to help her figure out why gym girl broke up with her.

(There's a gym member that I've been seeing recently that looks kinda like gym girl's girlfriend. I worked beside her yesterday.)

Anyways, she came to me with like her cellphone in hand, asking me to help her figure it out. I kept giving excuses as to why I shouldn't and she kept imploring me.

Then she made a comment about how she'd wasted 7 years. And I was thinking 7 years?! Yall weren't even together that long.

I don't remember how it ended but I was so confused when I woke up.

Was that guilt? Longing? Shame?

~

I feel so aimlessly lost right now.

I don't know what to think about gym girl but to think about her. 

...I know. But also, I don't fucking know.

I just don't get any of this. 

Did she really want me? Was she really attracted to me? Was she really flirting?

The further we are away from each other, the more time passes...and now I'm crying.

I asked for this-- I asked for space because it felt like too much. I just didn't expect to feel this confused afterwards.

I miss her.

I can't help second guessing my decision every so often. A part of me wants to unblock her. 

I want her to reach out. I want her to choose me.

I don't know. I just don't know.

I know what I felt was real but it all feels like maybe it never happened.