she really is confusing

I don't understand her. 

I don't understand me.

I'm at a lost.

She is confusing. I know that now.

I knew that deep down. I knew it on the surface. 

Both of my therapists concurred. 

She is so fucking confusing.

So she was at the gym today.

I saw her car when I was pulling in and immediately groaned to myself.

I went in and didn't immediately hear her on mic so I assumed she was maybe in her office.

And I didn't write about this one thing from Monday because I assumed-- I tried to tell myself it was nothing. Gym girl's coach friend was complimenting my hair and then a new friend I made who just joined was chatting about how she'll be starting class next Monday. And then the coach friend asked me if I was going to be in Friday's class. My response: "what's happening Friday?" As in, why would you ask me that, I'm always in class on Friday, is something different happening on Friday?

She laughed it off and basically said it's just class. She was just asking if I was going to be here. And then she invited the other girl to come. And I thought that was strange. I gave it two spaces: this either has something to do with gym girl or it's nothing.

The former was correct. Gym girl was not only there, she was basically shadowing the entire class.

SO.

When I got there, I thought maybe she was in her office.

So I kind of perked up as I made my way to the back. And just as I was crossing the threshold, someone spoke to me from behind (fucking figures).

So I stopped and turned around to find her-- peeking around the door, waving at me with that look on her face. Like she was really happy to see me and happy to speak. I was confused because I wasn't expecting her and she was going out of her way to speak even though she's been willfully going out of her way to ignore me for a hot minute now. But I smiled and spoke and immediately got nervous.

As I was walking to the bathroom after I put my stuff down, she came walking in my direction but stopped to talk to someone.

So I walked past and went to change in the bathroom-- confused and nervous.

I sat on the couch and relaxed for a while and then made my way to sit on the floor. She was shadowing the class before mine and she was off to my right, chatting. Then she started making her rounds and I did a mix of not looking in her direction on purpose and checking her out in secret. (Also, the cute girl I worked out with that day, the one who held my hand after our high five was there, she waved and I smiled and spoke to her.)

After a while, gym girl started walking my way and I could no longer ignore her. So I didn't. I looked up and did a small smile and she made a cute, joking face as she walked and turned to do something else. It was cute but I shook it off.

And then their class ended and ours started.

I got my little stuff situated while she walked back and forth. I didn't know what to expect from her-- my brain was empty. She seemed really happy when she spoke to me but what does that mean?

And then I heard her say her girlfriend's name and immediately thought "aaaaand there it is." 

Nothing's changed.

So I went into "let me focus on my workout" mode. And I did. I noticed her walk around and we stretched and warmed up but did nothing about it. Thought nothing of it besides I hope she's not looking at me.

And then I started prepping for the first workout. As I was getting my bar, she approached me from behind-- again. She spoke to my back, asking how I was doing or how I was feeling or something. I don't fucking know. So I politely smiled and asked "what" and she repeated the question but that didn't matter. Because right after she repeated the question she immediately waved her hand around her head, smiling and said she likes my hair. 

She likes my hair.

My immediate thought? What?! And I literally felt my head turn sideways a bit and my eyebrows kind of met in the middle. I smiled and said thanks and went to finish my set up.

And she would get in my line of sight from time to time while I was focusing on my workout and each time I would try to ignore her or look somewhere else and tell myself she's just shadowing, she's just shadowing.

And then class ended. I was the last one to finish the workout *hair flip* lol. And so a few people gathered around to cheer me on. 

Time ran out and I gassed out and called it. I got fist bumps all around and then she approached me from behind-- AGAIN, smiling and said 'nice job' and fist bumped me.

That interaction was fine. Speaking to me was odd, initially. But complimenting me is a no go.

She likes my hair.

I have been getting compliments all week at the gym about my hair. The last person I expected to verbally compliment my hair was her. 

I know it's pretty. I see it every time I look in the mirror. My guy gym friend had literally complimented it as I was walking into the gym today.

I knew she would eat her heart out. But I never thought she would voice her opinion.

You can't do that. She can't do that.

In what world does it make sense to compliment someone who literally just told you they like you. You should be doing everything you can to be by the book, above board, avoiding any and everything that could look like something it's not.

But, instead, you complimented me.

What the fuck?!

I didn't even cry on the way home today. I was just angry. And very fucking confused.

And for a second, I started sharing the blame of 'well I don't want her to ignore me, but I don't want her to not ignore me. What do I want here?"

But then I checked myself about myself. Because I do know what I want. I told her what I want.

I don't want emotions shared between us, I don't want to be friends, and I don't want us to be friends online either. I told her that. I told her what I wanted. I told her what it was going to be. I made it very clear. I literally said "we can be friendly, we just cannot be friends"

In what world does it make sense to tell the person you now know for sure has a crush on you that you like their hair. How is that not confusing? 

You wouldn't even speak to me in front of your girlfriend and that was before I confessed my feelings. And now after I confessed my feelings you think it's ok to compliment me?

WHYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!

Why would you do that?

She has never complimented my appearance.

Never ever.

Why now? Even if it is innocent, there's no such thing anymore. You can't do that.

How is that not supposed to confuse me?

What the fuck is she doing? What was she thinking?!

I thought this would be the end.

ShE's In A cOmMiTtEd ReLaTiOnAlShIp

Even if everything before now was truly innocent, she doesn't get that benefit anymore. 

Because she knows. I verbalized it for that reason.

Don't do that to me. 

I could not be more turned off.

For me to say how I feel, express how I want us to be from now on and her seemingly throw that away and do what the fuck she wants is not attractive.

It's annoying, it's rude. It says you don't care how I feel or what I want. 

It makes me feel less of a person that she understands and more of a shiny toy she wants to play with.

You don't care about me. There's no way. Because if you truly did, why would you do that?

I can't get caught up in her again. 

I can't. 

~

I'm high now.

But this is why we cannot be friends.

A small part of me now feels like she's taken advantage of my vulnerability.

Was she 'seducing' me on purpose before now? Was my admission just more motivation for her to tug at me? Are things about to ramp up now, just like work friend said? Did I embolden her??

What is happening?

...and there's that question again. I guess that means I need to manage my expectations.

~

I just remembered that she did say she liked my thigh tattoo once when all this was first starting. It was confusing then because I didn't know what was what.

This is more confusing though.