doing my hair

I've been doing my hair since about 7am this morning.

I stopped and went to grab breakfast. Took a little breaky-break and then I got back to it.

I've been feeling panic in my body off and on this morning.

Slight panic in the car happens regularly. But panic while doing my hair is rare. I actually don't remember ever feeling panic when putting my hair back up.

Sorrow? Regret? Anger? Frustration? Yes. Because doing my hair reminds of just how much I have actually been pulling my hair. 

And honestly, I don't have any smooth ball spots anymore. The one in the middle of my head is still like the size of my fist, but there's long hair here and there and there's fuzzy short hair that has grown in. 

So I'm not happy about it but I am proud because it's not as bad as I thought it would be.

But I keep getting this wave of panic and I don't know why.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

newly alone and probably forever

Candice and I are never gonna happen.  She's never gonna leave Ashley and she hates me. And my mother has started being petty.  It's just me, by myself. And I know I have friends and stuff I may never have love.  Candice was the closest I've ever gotten and she was never even mine.  Now she has me, the mistake, running around and... Ugh. I'm an idiot.  I'm an idiot.  ~ She wanted me gone and made it happen and then I wouldn't leave her alone.  And I doubt anyone actually believes anything happened between us.   And my mother wanted me gone and she got what she wanted.  ~ I small part of my wants to not drive home and cry all day but I know I need to see my friend.  ~ She broke brain and my heart and doesn't have a single shit. No remorse. No apology. 
Read more

stress and worry

I haven't finished moving.  I asked for help on Instagram but I don't think anyone took me seriously.  I don't know what to do so I just keep making baby steps, hoping this will work.  I did brain spotting yesterday and it sucked but it was really good for me. I learned that I am in another phase of uncertainty and even though I am prepared and ready, my trauma brain gets triggered because I have been conditioned to believe that uncertainty means I'm not safe. And alot of other stuff that made me ugly cry. I'm having trouble accepting that all that I have given my family will probably never be reciprocated. I even asked my dad's daughter for help and I haven't heard a peep since. Now I'm waiting on Tori to stop by and visit, secretly hoping she's like to help me bring furniture upstairs. I have 2 pieces in my car still. I have a desk at home. I have a plastic container full of books. I have a chest full of memories. And I have cabinets full of kitche...
Read more

anxiety

I paid rent and haven't checked my budget spreadsheet. My mom texted me, literally at 7 am this morning about an ETA on me finishing the move.  I had to make a bet appointment for Nola to get the food she needs cause that's low. And I just dropped $147 at Target one more stuff for my apartment. I need to move furniture and my sister hasn't said anything, Andrea and Robert didn't come over.  I did redo my hair so that's done.  I'm worried. I have too much up in the air with no real plan. I do want to buy a drill, I guess. At least then I can take the furniture apart like Tatum suggested and bring it upstairs myself.  I'm getting worked up in my head and it has a lot to do with my mom's text because she hit a stresser I'd been talking myself away from.  I can put Nola's appointment on my Vet card. I know I have enough to pay the Target order off of my credit card... And now that I think about it, it may have gone on the other one which is also fine...
Read more