day before thanksgiving

I think I'm gonna go cry in the bathroom at work.

I've been questioning and doubting everything I experienced with gym girl since Friday.

I gave it the weekend before I went in Monday and reread my journal entries. So now I remember what it was like, how hard I worked to not be here emotionally, aaaaaand it fucking sucks.

And the holidays are coming. And I had EMDR on Monday.

She told me to ground myself often, be conscience of my emotional state, and hydrate. She reeeeaaaally encouraged hydration lol.

But now I'm sad and I keep seeing fucking Mazdas everywhere. Like what if she proposes to this girl over the holidays, what if she does come to the gym Christmas party and all my friends that are friends with her spend the night around her making me have to avoid them, what if the gym sends out a Thanksgiving message...

I just feel really fucked over by her. And her complimenting my hair after I just told her I like her and we need space, is just even more of a mindfuck.

And don't look happy to see me after you've been actively ignoring me to my face the last few times we've seen each other.

Don't go out of your way to speak to me when I've walked into the gym space and you've seen me and didn't say two words. You literally stood behind my station and talked to like three different people and left without saying anything to me.

Enjoy the holidays with your stupid fucking girlfriend and stop confusing the shit out of me.

I don't want your mixed signals, I don't way your girlfriend's scraps, and I don't want to be your friend just because you think you should be.

And I'm more upset because I just want you. And I don't understand why you did any of this if only to leave me holding these feelings, standing alone, confused, hurt, and scared of what our relationship look like after having gotten so close so fast and now we're nothing.

~

And now I have work stress. Fuck me....ok.

I have a game plan to get things done but I now have this added job x8 that I did not expect for today.

~

Soon after I typed that last entry, it happened.

I gassed out at work.

Our parent company got hacked, our offices were down, we're getting ready to close for the Holidays and one of the Big Three (my personal favorite lol) called to see if we had a Thanksgiving message for the phones that will let customers know that we're closed for Thanksgiving, not because of the hack.

So I spent time scrambling to test phone systems, couldn't reach our rep (bless him, he's still my favorite. He works customer service by himself), and didn't really know what to do. Then I finally figured out a game plan that worked but had to be tweaked for almost every location we have. I had to check their current Virtual Assistant to see how their phones operate during the holiday, record a voicemai on my phone that matched their system, email it to myself, upload it to the system, yadda yadda oh my fucking goodness.

But the one of the Big Three did say 'Love ya' after I gave him the final update. And that made me smile lol. He's really nice. He also delivered $50 gift cards to us for Thanksgiving on Monday. I gave mine to my mom since I don't plan on cooking or buying anything this year.

It was alot and about halfway through, I just stopped and started at my computer and said to myself, ohmygah I am exhausted. I was just physically and mentally exhausted.

And my heat is still taking forever to turn in my car and at first I thought it was a coolant issue but I refilled that last night. But now I think it's partially an oil issue too because it's really fucking low so I'm gonna refill that tonight.

And I'm just really tired. I'm not comfortable. I haven't been comfortable lately, really.

I did have some highlights for today. I had Joe T Garcia's with our office downstairs for lunch. It was really fucking good and really fun to hang with them. And...I thought there was another one but I don't think there is lol.

I'm just tired. And my EMDR therapist did warn me about this but it hit me so fucking fast. I'm also irritable too. She warned me about that. And her instructions were for me to pay attention to my emotions. Irritation will most likely mean that I need to ground myself.

So I'm journaling my feelers, I have put fresh batteries in my fairy lights, I bought dinner for tonight and lunch for tomorrow, and I'm gonna take a bath today and put on my 'rich white woman' pajamas.

And I kinda wanna cry but also not really.

I will definitely be taking a hybrid gummy today. I'm sure that will knock me smooth tee-fuck out lol.

~

And now I'm stressed about money...

It's fine. I'm fine. I know this feeling will pass.

Until then, I'm gonna shave my face.

~

Aaaaand now I'm crying. 

My oil is fine in my car, so that's not the issue. And my car is trying to heat up but it takes forever. And it fluctuates once it does start to heat up until it fully kicks on