a little shook

I'm trying to be really intentional around shaking gym girl this week.

Giving myself grace when I want to fantasize or day dream about her, trying to not masturbate and think about her.

It's proven to be very difficult so far. BUT I did wake up like 3 times this morning to go to the bathroom and was able to fall back asleep fairly quickly.

Did I try to dream of her last night? ...kinda lol.

But I would just give myself a second and then change the channel.

I know I never really knew how she felt about me but I feel more lost now than I did before. At least before I could assume based on her actions how she felt. But now that I've been honest with how I feel to her and set certain boundaries, I don't know how to assume anything about her. Every time I find myself trying, I come up with nothing that really sticks.

I don't know, man.

It's freeing but also kind of like damn.

And because we still don't see each other often, it's (again) easy to forget what it feels like when we are around each other.

God, now I want to cry.

~

I feel a little emotional but idk why.

I just do.

Kind of sad, kind of bleh. I was fine this morning until I got an email from the gym about setting goals. It came from the coach friend.

I think it's hitting me that I'm not going to end up with this girl, even though she felt like everything to me.

And now she's nothing. And that's what I wanted but it still feels like such a loss.

Sooooo... I'm just gonna cry for a little bit.

~

I've been alone on purpose for so fucking long and been fine.

I don't understand why she would knock down my walls and then disappear and leave me holding all these confusing emotions.

I have never felt so confused.

And I know that's why I set the boundaries I set, but right now I'm just giving myself the opportunity to feel confused.

Also...I just don't fucking know. 

I don't know.

And I know this feeling isn't new. And I know I've done what I can to set some healthy boundaries for me to stay at the gym.

But it doesn't mean I don't still feel like I do.

Right now, in this moment, I feel played. I feel like I was a toy. Even when I felt less attractive, she was on my tail. Even I pushed her away, she was right there. Even when I told her I don't do intimacy, she was open to do it anyway.

I really don't know what she wanted from me.

Why would she do all of that? Why? What was the point? And in front of other people?

I don't understand.

~

My therapist did remind me on Saturday that in the beginning of all of this with gym girl I was really set on being intentional about how I navigated things with her.

And I was. I know I was.

But how the hell did I still end up here?

~

My therapist also commended me on my bravery. For doing the thing that I needed to do.

And I didn't cry the entire time until I said "I feel like telling her that was the first time I've ever honored my feelings out loud"

Without catering to the other person, without letting their possible reactions dictate my actions.

I put myself first.

~

*heavy siiiiiiigh*

I also had a scheduled post about boundaries that went up today. 

I didn't know when I wrote it so long ago that it would not only be very topical, I would have actually done it. 

It just shows how much change-- growth can happen in such a short time span.

Me that wrote that post initially did not think I would ever be verbally setting boundaries, especially with gym girl. And now here I am.

Fuck. I'm proud but also a little shook.

I also think the upcoming Holidays are making me sad.

A part of me thought I'd be at my company Christmas party with her this year. 

I ended up spending the summer caught in her web in the most unexpected way.

I just can't believe she did that. 

To reel me in and then blatantly ignore me and then choose to sneakily speak to me while my back was to her during my workout.

I'm happy I did mean mug her. I'm glad she felt guilty.

I just feel like I wasted my time and vulnerability on her. Like I made a mistake.

And now we're not friends, we're not a couple. We're just back to unspoken tension but now there's her avoiding me and us knowing too many personal things about each other. And she now knows I like her.

I also usually don't dwell on the past so fucking much.

Fuck.

~

Well, it's safe to say I was avoided today.

I don't know what the fuck we're doing.

~

I feel like we're just coming full circle. 

And I have been crying in my car on the way home even though I didn't want to be doing that today.

I feel like there are either really strong coincidences or she is coming to terms with things and it is not sitting well.

Last week, I know I tried avoiding her last week. And I really tried to play it off as 'oh she's busy chatting now, she's not going to notice me' But she made a point to stop what she was doing and speak.

And then today it was different. 

She was teaching the class before mine and this time I wasn't avoiding her as much. She did decide to come and coach this guy who was doing pull ups right beside me and I glanced over so I didn't seem weird, like I was ignoring her. And she proceeded to reeeeeeaaally stand there and give him lots of direction.

And then she kept going around class. 

Then an old friend came into the gym today. So we were laughing and catching up as class ended.

Then class ended, everyone was switching out and we decided to workout next to each other. 

I spoke to the guy leaving and asked for his bar and weights etc. And he obliged, checking in to make sure I wanted what I wanted. And then I accidentally told him to have a good weekend lolol. And I laughed and he laughed and he said I wish it was the weekend.

And then I was scooting stuff around in my little square and turned around to find gym girl standing there, talking to some guy right beside my bike. And then more guys came over and moved my water out of the way and then proceeded to climb on. 

She left there, didn't even look at me and went over to my old gym friend. I'm assuming to check in with her because she'd injured herself a while back playing soccer.

And then she was chatting in the middle of the open gym and class with some people and then she left out.

And then as class was ending, she came back in the gym and went to the bathroom in the class area. And then she came out and spoke to another one ofy friends that was coming in for the next class. 

I spoke to some new friends I made, chatted a bit and then left.

I THINK IF she is upset at me, it may or may not have something to do with the Instagram post that was scheduled for today on my mental health account. It literally was scheduled MONTHS AGO!! And that's why I blocked her from that account. And if that is why she's upset, then maybe I should've went ahead and blocked the gym pages too. I don't fucking know. Cause if she really wanted to see the posts, she could just use the Internet without logging in.

That BETTER not be what's happening here.

But she has internalized stuff before, so I don't know.

I'm also gonna start reminding myself that unspoken words are never heard and actions might speak louder, but sometimes it's just noise.

ALSO, I think this is the same tension as before but now it's just multiplied because she worked so fucking hard to be my friend, she went right past the friendzone. And I was telling my therapist I know she knew I liked her before but know she knows I like her.

I really feel like maybe she did do all that pursuing just to be my friend because a part of her just wanted me to treat her more like a friend and less like a coach. And I get it because I have been avoiding her since I realized I liked her. So maybe to her that just made her feel less than.

But now she's overcorrected and I feel less than and on top of that, we're no longer friends.

And maybe if she is mad, she's just mad at herself. As she should be, to be honest.

It just all feels dumb and I wish more and more that I just followed my first mind and steered clear of her. Even if she didn't know how I felt, I know how I felt.

I feel like tensions are rising again and they may or may not be worse than before.

I just don't understand how we got here. Logically, I get it. And emotionally. I just-- we're both so smart and I don't know about her but I have never felt so stupid.

I just keep going back to two things:

1. "Are you doing class today?"

She asked that almost every day of that week she was being very very flirty with me. And she asked it again during our last meeting. After all that we said, she asked me "are you doing class today" It wasn't in the same tone but it was close. And my thoughts were the same: 'You know if I'm doing class or not, you own the gym! Why are you asking me that' And she'd literally asked me that right before we went to her office.

2. Her nervous "as far as being a coach goes"

That moment in that meeting reminded me of every time I'd see her watching my Stories and then she'd immediately stop when she got to my gym recap video. I knew she was conflicted from that moment because what a weirdly consistent thing to avoid.

I know she likes me. And now I've cut myself off from her in the only way she can be close to me and I don't know how that's gonna end.

Because us avoiding each other and the conversation is one thing. But me telling her my truth and verbalizing what I no longer want from her is another.

And I know she was triggered because that was her initial reaction. I ended with 'i like you' on purpose to let her know even though I've said these two hard things, it's because of this one big, special thing. And her initial reaction was hurt. 

Sooooo yeah. Yep.

~

I also find it very hard to believe that I have this girl, who's ten years my senior and has accomplished so much in life, shook.

Cause why?!

~

Also, I feel like we both made the same fucking mistake.

I did the veeeeery long distances thing with my Dom, she has a long distance relationship right now.

We both apparently don't shit where we eat and somehow managed to do that with each other.

~

And now I'm turned on, imagining what angry sex with her would be like.

Fuck.

~

I know it's gonna take a while for me to shake her but fuuuuuuuck. Fuck. 

Why can't I shake her?

Logically, deductively, I have fully put myself out there. My feelings for her are no longer in question.

I've said my peace. Why can't I find it...quickly lol.