what living looks like

I feel like I've been asleep for 27 years of my life. This year is the first time in my life I've actually felt alive-- fully present. Aware. Gym girl was the first one to break that seal. She broke my fourth wall and now I've pushed her away. And not because I wanted to but because I had to. It was best for me. I did what was best for me but I feel like I shouldn't have. Sometimes I wish I didn't. And the irony is, this is the person that helped me get back on track with taking care of my mental health. And I had to push her away for that very reason. ~ I really miss her. Meanwhile, she's probably doing the Holidays with her girlfriend. My worst fear is seeing them thrive together, be in love.

I think I'm gonna go cry in the bathroom at work. I've been questioning and doubting everything I experienced with gym girl since Friday. I gave it the weekend before I went in Monday and reread my journal entries. So now I remember what it was like, how hard I worked to not be here emotionally, aaaaaand it fucking sucks. And the holidays are coming. And I had EMDR on Monday. She told me to ground myself often, be conscience of my emotional state, and hydrate. She reeeeaaaally encouraged hydration lol. But now I'm sad and I keep seeing fucking Mazdas everywhere. Like what if she proposes to this girl over the holidays, what if she does come to the gym Christmas party and all my friends that are friends with her spend the night around her making me have to avoid them, what if the gym sends out a Thanksgiving message... I just feel really fucked over by her. And her complimenting my hair after I just told her I like her and we need space, is just even more of a mindfuck. And ...

I went to my first hockey game with my Dallas friend on Saturday! It was great! We Ubered, got drunk, and had a blast lol. I did sit next to a girl that had very masc energy and was immediately like 'well, shit'. I had to actually look at her to tell myself 'this is not gym girl'. *Eye roll* I am thoroughly confused by her now. Last night I couldn't sleep so I tried to remember some moment we shared. I could remember them, but I couldn't see them as vividly anymore. And I almost started rereading entries and was like 'no, what is that gonna help me with right now?' I was confused before but certain she liked me. Saturday I started reading Quiet  again and when I picked up where I left off, they talked about how blushing and looking away, when done together, was a natural human reaction to show embarrassment... And I still got nothing.  I don't know. My brain feels less connect-the-dot-ish. I only go to the gym one time this week and I honestly don...

Not gonna lie, I feel a little defeated this morning. I really, truly don't understand why she would do that. That just adds more confusion where there shouldn't be any anymore. If someone told me they liked me and because of that needed space from me and couldn't/wouldn't do xyz, I'd like to think I'd respect that. I'd like to think I would be mindful when choosing my words in our future interactions. I wouldn't tell them I liked their fucking hair. I'm trying to let go. Why won't she? What's she getting at? Something is up. Something is off. ~ I'm finally crying now. It only lasted for a second. Was any of that real? Did we share anything real? Or has the been some game this entire now and now she feels like she's won? I don't understand.

I don't understand her.  I don't understand me. I'm at a lost. She is confusing. I know that now. I knew that deep down. I knew it on the surface.  Both of my therapists concurred.  She is  so fucking confusing. So she was at the gym today. I saw her car when I was pulling in and immediately groaned to myself. I went in and didn't immediately hear her on mic so I assumed she was maybe in her office. And I didn't write about this one thing from Monday because I assumed-- I tried to tell myself it was nothing. Gym girl's coach friend was complimenting my hair and then a new friend I made who just joined was chatting about how she'll be starting class next Monday. And then the coach friend asked me if I was going to be in Friday's class. My response: "what's happening Friday?" As in, why would you ask me that, I'm always in class on Friday, is something different happening on Friday? She laughed it off and basically said it's just clas...

I miss her. I feel stupid even typing that. I want to know what she's doing. I want to talk to her about all the fun I've been having. I want to see her smile and hear her laughter. I want her. I have a few moments where I want to unblock her just to see what she's doing. But I haven't and I know I won't. I can't settle for the little I had. I want her fully or not at all.

I still miss her and long and feel all these feelings. The only thing I know to do is what my therapist would always say: show myself compassion and be kind to those feelings. It doesn't make me cry anymore-- yet lol.  But I do miss her.  I was crying in EMDR yesterday about it. My words were 'I didn't want to do that, but I needed to.' And my therapist agreed and understood. She encouraged me by explaining why it was so important and such a big deal to put my needs first. Because not doing that would look like doing what I think gym girl would want me to do. She also said that she thinks gym girl might have turned red in the face as a physical admission of guilt.  And I never thought of it like that. ~ I just had the time of my fucking life with one of our locations at Top Golf. It was fun! Today was fun. I had Thanksgiving with our FW office and me and work friend's stepdaughter went to Central Market. It was my first time in Central Market.  I cackled at lunch an...

I feel like I've just been floating, at least for the past few days. I-- ok, first, I did just start my period like 3 days ago. Very spotty and today's really my first full day. So I know that has something to do with it. But I also just feel plain. Like I can't ruminate on anything but I also would love to put work stuff off. But I'm also tackling work stuff. But I'm also happy but I also don't know how to feel towards my family, towards gym girl. I also know the holidays are probably taking a slight toll on me too. And now I kind of want to cry a little. I'm on the toilet at work lol. I just needed to change my space... and pee.  My brain feels very tired. I bought vitamin d this morning to keep at my desk. I am working solo today, which is good. I don't know. I feel stuck.  I'm in and out of flight or fight in my car. I'm still soothing myself and using my EMDR resources. I guess I just feel drained. And now I'm crying. This year has been ...

I've been doing my hair since about 7am this morning. I stopped and went to grab breakfast. Took a little breaky-break and then I got back to it. I've been feeling panic in my body off and on this morning. Slight panic in the car happens regularly. But panic while doing my hair is rare. I actually don't remember ever feeling panic when putting my hair back up. Sorrow? Regret? Anger? Frustration? Yes. Because doing my hair reminds of just how much I have actually been pulling my hair.  And honestly, I don't have any smooth ball spots anymore. The one in the middle of my head is still like the size of my fist, but there's long hair here and there and there's fuzzy short hair that has grown in.  So I'm not happy about it but I am proud because it's not as bad as I thought it would be. But I keep getting this wave of panic and I don't know why.

Welp. I had a dream last night. Gym girl's girlfriend came to me and asked me to help her figure out why gym girl broke up with her. (There's a gym member that I've been seeing recently that looks kinda like gym girl's girlfriend. I worked beside her yesterday.) Anyways, she came to me with like her cellphone in hand, asking me to help her figure it out. I kept giving excuses as to why I shouldn't and she kept imploring me. Then she made a comment about how she'd wasted 7 years. And I was thinking 7 years?! Yall weren't even together that long. I don't remember how it ended but I was so confused when I woke up. Was that guilt? Longing? Shame? ~ I feel so aimlessly lost right now. I don't know what to think about gym girl but to think about her.  ...I know. But also, I don't fucking know. I just don't get any of this.  Did she really want me? Was she really attracted to me? Was she really flirting? The further we are away from each other, the ...

What is your love language? Are you doing class today? Her complimenting my thigh tattoo The comment she made at brunch about us going to a bar to cry together 

Sooooo, I did wake up several times this morning.  To be fair, one of those times I really had to pee. The other times, my brain was just bothered. It was hot, my thoughts were running. I did manage to fall back to sleep each time but it took some work. Flipping, turning, the works. I kept telling myself 'her [perceived] emotions aren't my responsibility' over and over again. And now I'm reminding myself that she's not going to say anything.  Even when I blocked her, she still never said anything. She just showed up looking upset and sort of acting assertively. But she never used her words. And I get it. What was she gonna say? Her admission would've made her guilty. Well I've got news for her WE'RE GUILTY ALREADY! This was an emotional affair that had an abrupt, non-verbal ending only for me to step in and finally push her away in the healthiest way and nicest way possible. She will just be however she's gonna be and that's about her. I didn...

I'm trying to be really intentional around shaking gym girl this week. Giving myself grace when I want to fantasize or day dream about her, trying to not masturbate and think about her. It's proven to be very difficult so far. BUT I did wake up like 3 times this morning to go to the bathroom and was able to fall back asleep fairly quickly. Did I try to dream of her last night? ...kinda lol. But I would just give myself a second and then change the channel. I know I never really knew how she felt about me but I feel more lost now than I did before. At least before I could assume based on her actions how she felt. But now that I've been honest with how I feel to her and set certain boundaries, I don't know how to assume anything about her. Every time I find myself trying, I come up with nothing that really sticks. I don't know, man. It's freeing but also kind of like damn. And because we still don't see each other often, it's (again) easy to forget what it...

Me is a little stressed right now. I had a really good morning.  Therapy was great. Then I went to brunch. Food was fairly decent, but a good time was had. A guy guy tapped me on the shoulder and told me he loved my nails so that made me happy. Then I came home to a collections letter for the IRS. And they're not letting me know they're coming after me. It was just a "girl, you owe these people some money so pay them or start paying us" I didn't realize it had been a year since I paid the IRS...sooooo needless to say, I transferred some bank funds and matched that with some credit card and voila-- tis paid off. But now my Savings is smaller and my Credit Card limit is too. And I know that's the point of a Savings and Credit. And I know that I now have this lingering debt that was literally a little over $600 is now gone. And $600 vs the few grand I just dropped to fix my effing car is small in comparison. And I'm grateful I even have a credit card limit li...

Me and my work friend hung out today!! Twas fantastic. ~ Today is tomorrow now but I'm still gonna do a recap. Yesterday I didn't bring lunch to work. I had something but I didn't want it so I left it at home. I was gonna go to work and just see if work friend wanted to grab lunch. So after we had our little morning pow wow

Ooooooookaaaaaay.  The free concert tickets I got? Show cancelled. ..........I don't even know how to feel. This is the third cancellation this week. 1. My October concert 2. Therapy 3. The free concert What the fuck, man?!

Listeeeeeeeeen The symphony last night was beautiful!! BEAUTIFUL! I had such a good time with my fran! We always have a ball together. We did some life update, some sharing, some vulnerability.  It was great. I was looking like a snack, she was looking like a snack. It was fun to be cute and out with friends enjoying life as it comes. The entire time I had to purposefully push gym girl out of my mind. Every time I enjoy something, my mind goes to her and how I'd love to enjoy that something with her. But I was kind to myself every time the thoughts came up and politely brushed them aside. And then I took in my surroundings and let the music engulf me. And I drove home so happy, singing at the top of my lungs. And I was so excited when I got home that I couldn't sleep. And right before I masturbated to go to sleep lol, the girl I competed with at the gym gave me her and her husband's tickets for a concert tomorrow for free. They have a family thing and can't go and I was...