turning tables

I woke up less crying, more angry.

Because in catastrophizing what it would look like to hold her accountable, all I could imagine is her throwing "you knew I had a girlfriend" in my face.

But it donned on me this morning-- "but did your girlfriend know about me?" Because the second she showed up, I became no one to you.

You fucking little coward.

Marine, my ass. That shit means nothing.

I don't even want to have a conversation with her anymore. But if she wants too-- sure, I will gladly hold your ass to the fucking fire.

Thank you so fucking much for pressing me to let you in, giving me your time and attention, making me comfortable, and then triggering me so badly I had to enlist a fucking trauma therapist.

Because of you.

Yet another person who doesn't know where to place me.

~

I lied.

She owes me a conversation and an apology.

If I'm not leaving the gym, she can't avoid me forever and I'm not going to play nice with someone who doesn't want to play fair.

~

I booked an appointment with my regular therapist for tomorrow.

I also told my work friend I think it's time I have a conversation with gym girl.

She swears there must be something else going on that I'm not telling her because she doesn't understand how it's gotten like this.

Well, can't lesbian-splain it enough.

And she suggests that I quit the gym since she owns the place.

And I have considered it multiple times out of frustration or while I'm crying.

But I am so fucking tired of running. All I've ever done is leave so other people can be comfortable.

I know my comfort wavers but this is all still pretty fresh too. I can't expect to be comfortable right away and I don't.

I'm tired of breaking first.

I left my last job and didn't hold them accountable

I left my church and didn't really hold them accountable. We did have a conversation but they were convinced they were right and I was wrong. I stood up for myself but I knew I would have to leave because they shaped my belief system.

This is a gym. She doesn't have to be there for me to stay or go. And I was literally just encouraged to stay. And we aren't not amicable

We haven't been around each other on a regular basis in months. There's just tension when we do see each other. Tension that forces us apart but also brings us close together. 

Tension that needs to be addressed.

I plan on staying on my terms. I'm tired of letting other people's actions fuck my life up and make me make decisions based on emotions.

And if staying is a dumb decision, it's one I'm willing to make. Because as stupid as it sounds, it's growth for me.

I have ran from less and for less. And I usually only make decisions that I know will most likely pan out in my favor.

This is something I'm willing to take a chance on.

So if that makes me dumb, grab the fucking dunce hat and hannithere!

I'm angry and I'm using it as leverage to lean in where necessary right now.