the day of

Welp. It's day of.

I went to sleep around 10 pm last night, and which is early for me.

Woke up around 3:30ish this morning like clockwork. Peed and then struggled for an hour to go back to sleep. I kept imagining what it would be like to rub the massage oil I use on my self care day on gym girl when she's fresh out of the tub and vice versa.

Fell asleep and had two weird dreams that I really don't want to talk about.

And then fell asleep off and on for the last hour or so.

And now I'm laying in bed, needing to poop.

Ok. Here we go.

~

Really quick.

Hello, Inner Child me. Hello fear.

Today we are making it known that our needs have been and will continue to be put first.

I care about you because you are a huge part of me. You're my foundation to life.

Today, we're doing two metaphors lol.

We are fixing our foundation and we are setting a precedent.

You don't have to do anything but be there. Me right now will handle the talking. Me right now will navigate the conversation. Me right now will wipe our tears. Me right now will take care of us.

We've got each other and I will continue to not only love but heal and take care of all my parts, including you.

You're no longer alone or abandoned. You're the best part of me and you're no longer going to be buried beneath. I'm doing the work so we can coexist in a much healthier way.

Today's just another step forward.

I know it feels scary but we've done so much scary worked unhealed and alone.

And now we're actively healing and no longer alone. We have support and love from many people.

We will because we can.

~

Ok. Unexpectedly working by myself today.

Work friend got tummy trouble.

So this is good. I didn't want to really share my plans just yet so this is good.

Ok. It'll be just me at in office.

~

I did the pen to paper exercise.

I was reeeeaaally nervous the closer I got to work. 

I am also pulling a little bit right now. I have a tiny hot spot.

But I do feel less nervous and more resolved.

I've come this far and I want to keep going.

So I'm gonna be patient with myself and manage my expectations.

~

Aaaaaaalright. So to refocus my brain and make sure I take care of myself today I'm just gonna come back and list the ways I work to regulate myself throughout today before this meeting.

- I did pen to paper for 5 minutes 

- I cried a little 

- I ate breakfast

- I took off my shoes

- I put my heating pad on my lap

- I put on some cocoa butter 

- I watched my Monday podcasts

- I leaned my chair back and locked it in place

- I'm taking my time at work today 

- The psychologist I met at that conference a while back posted a podcast episode about anxiety today. I have been following her podcast for a while but I haven't watched an episode yet. But I watched this one. And it was so on time and so on the money. https://youtu.be/50-4gh2BY1k?feature=shared

- My favorite podcast boys are back! They restarted their podcast last week but I didn't know their release day was Monday. I'm excited.

- I listened to my favorite podcast reruns.

~

Well, she finally texted me back.

I honestly thought for a second she was gonna ghost me entirely.

I will be seeing her at 6.

Also, she hit me with my own petty that I was trying to use and said we can limit it to a 15 minute window.

Thank you for politely knocking on the door to my anger.

~

- I texted my objectives to myself just in case I get in her office and blank

- I scheduled a 15 minute session with my therapist for tomorrow. I thought it was for today but it is for tomorrow. So it will be a full 24hr follow up.

- I feel secure right now and I'm being purposeful in not second guessing it. I'm enjoying this current wave of peace, right now in this moment.

~

Nerves are back as time gets closer.

So I'm reminding myself of that quote I read: putting off short-term discomfort results in long-term disfunction.

I'm using my resource words. I'm taking deep breaths. I'm giving my fear space so it can flow through and away from me.

And I just read my beautiful little letter to my inner child this morning and teared up. I could feel the fear surface and sort of subside when the tears came. 

Today is not about her-- it's about me. 

Now to do another 5 minutes of pen to paper.

~

Ok. I feel better right now.

Back to work.

~

I FUCKING DID IT!!!!!!!! Be back later lol.

I have been giddy since and I'm enjoying it.

~

I fucking did it!!

First of all, I was scared shitless.

I went there a nervous wreck and then I ended up being an hour early. It was nuts.

She spoke to me while I was nervously scrolling on the couch and asked if I was here for class and I said no. And she looked and I was like oh no am I here at the wrong time ohmygah. And she was like yeah but it's fine and she invited me into her office.

And we sat down and I nervously smiling and was like this is gonna be quick. But nothing bad has happened, everything's fine because she looked so nervous and I was like this'll be quick but also can we shut that door please.

And she said yeah, sure. And she did. And she looked at me like she didn't know what to expect.

And then I started rambling immediately about how I didn't want to do this because these conversations are always so hard for me but here we are.

And I looked up at her and she looked like "oooookaaaaaay"

And I said ok. I looked at her and said I'm sure by now you know I blocked you on Instagram. And she kind of opened her mouth and looked shocked like she didn't know. (Also, yes you did know because you watch my Stories religiously, I haven't seen you in the gym in months and all of a sudden you show up looking pissed off but I'll get to that)

And I looked away and jokingly said it's fiiiiiine. Everything is fine. Not a big deal. And she settled a bit.

Then I looked at her and said I don't think we should be friends. And she looked hurt. And I looked away and jokingly said this is also fine. Nothing bad happened.

And I looked up at again and said it:

I like you.

And then gave it a minute to register with her. She was just there, looking. And then her face got serious and I was like 'oh no, it's happening'

She said 'wait this can go one or two ways, she's had people do that before. Turn their back on her and she said something about her being misunderstood" and was basically asking if I didn't want to be friends with her because of her as a person or if-- and I stopped listening and was smiling and like nope, quite the opposite. Very understood, that's the problem. We just need space. And I just kept saying we need space and stretching my hands out.

But I was thinking 'first of all, are you listening? We can't be friends because I like you. And also, you do know I blocked you because why would you even ask that?" And I get her feelings were hurt; that's why I decided to do it. It was time. The not talking about it was only making things worse. And I knew you were mad that day! lol

And then I saw it click. And she slowly started turning red.

And she had this blank stare and asked, "ok. so you blocked me because I post alot about my girlfriend and I said "yes. But also space." And I did the motion again lol. "We just need some space. It was a lot that happened so fast. Lots of emotions and we just need space." Enter my fear face.

She looked at me and smirked and was like "did you talk about this in therapy" and I deadpanned a "yes" lol. Ma'am, what does that matter.

And she took some time and then she laughed a little and said "'I am in a committed relationship" And I just smiled and did a slow nod of like, yes bitch I know that.

And she was still turning red and then she looked away and smiled and said I am flattered and looked at me and just stared. And I nodded like yeeeeep. I was thinking oh no, stop looking at me. Fuck.

And then she was like 'for up here, as far as being a coach and like if you're in my classes' and she started rambling to professionally cover her bases to make sure I was comfortable and I immediately stopped her and was like 'no. you don't have to worry about that. The coaching is fine-- I can handle that. I was just up here Saturday and that was fine. Everything was fine.'

And she looked at me and she said something else about wanting to make sure she wasn't making anything difficult as far as the gym goes and I was like "It really is fine. Also I'm a terrible liar." And she said what do you mean. And I said "I mean just in general, I'm a horrible liar. So I really am fine. I get the coaching part is just a job," and then I she looked at me and I said "it's just the emotions that are alot. It was a lot of things that happened too fast, lots of emotions, and we just need a lot of space" And I could feel my fear face take in her fear face.

So I said we can be friendly we just can't be friends.

And she just looked at me. 

And after a minute she smiled and asked if I was doing class today-- again.

Ma'am, hell no were you listening earlier?! I laughed and said "no. I came to do this and I am running away immediately."

And she laughed and I laughed. And she took a second and then said 'well thank you for telling me.' And she looked away, smiling and was kind of talking to herself and saying she's only ever had something like this happen once before.

And then she looked at me and just stared, smiling.

And I gave it a minute and smiled back and was like "ooookay, can we--" and she got up and I was like "perfect. great"

And she said bye to me as I was leaving and I said bye to her, but didn't turn around.

And now, she knows.

I really did go into it giving her the benefit of doubt because as far as I know for sure, I only know how I feel so that's what I presented.

And to give her more room, I did dump more than just 'I like you' on her.

She now has to process so many things about me:

• how long has she liked me?
• is she gay? is she bi?
• so she doesn't hate me?
• so she isn't throwing me away?
• why does she like me?
• how does this affect blah blah blah
• yadda yadda etc etc

Also, to hear her meet my vulnerability with her own was very powerful.

I knew she was mad and nervous but I didn't realize she was fearful of me having rejected her as a person. It was another very humanizing moment. I think that's partially why every time she sees me laughing, smiling, or enjoying someone else, she looks kind of jealous. Because I purposefully don't do that with her because I like her, not because I don't. It all just makes a bit more sense now.

I really believe that neither of us saw this coming. I thought I could be attracted to her and do this because she has a girlfriend and I truly believed there was no way she could be attracted to me. And I feel like she thought she could be attracted to me and do this because I was straight.

As the great Viner once said, "suhpriiiiize shawtaaaay" lolol

Also! I was able to talk to my therapist today! She had a last minute cancellation and I talked to her and she was so happy for me and she congratulated me on all the things lol.

I told her I was very giddy right now and it's still surprising because I didn't expect to be.

She asked me about my emotional state, my regulation/dysregulation, etc from Thursday til now. And she asked me how I was feeling before meeting with gym girl, why did I reach out to her. Which took me back because I wasn't expecting that. I was like 'scared. I thought I was going to be crying because I didn't want to do this because I knew I'd be losing one of the easiest friends I have ever made. But that's also why I wanted to have the conversation because I knew it would be the easiest hardest conversation I'll probably ever have, even though I would be hurt. So I wanted to be able to check in"

And then I gave her a really quick rundown and when I got the the running away part she asked if I said that out loud and I said yes. And she asked if I used humor a lot during the conversation and I said n-- only during-- ok, yes. Definitely off and on lol

She also reminded me of how accomplished I felt after the nail situation and how that panic set it soon after. She wanted me to remember to keep an eye out for that letdown affect and asked me what I had in store for this week.

And I told her my few plans and how I am going to make plans for small bits of joy and distraction sprinkled throughout. And I have a concert on Monday.

And she said good. And we discussed some tips and things to look out for and she asked me for one word to describe how I felt in this moment, talking to her and I said "happy. I feel so happy." And she asked how I was feeling on a scale from 1-10 and I said "9.2".

And I just spent tonight reveling in this joy.

Because I fucking did it. Really we fucking did it lol. Me and all my parts!

I owned my emotions. I owned my choices. I owned it.

It was awkward but it was actually really funny and I think we both handled it well, given the circumstances.

I don't feel rejected. I feel accepted.

I think we both needed today, obviously. We both had the same fears just packaged differently.

But I will say, she was probably more surprised than me though lol.

I feel so free.