the day before

I'm taking a break from cooking to cry a little bit.

I'm not dreading tomorrow but I'm also not thrilled. I'm a little scared.

...uhm.

I don't want to do this. But I know I need to do this for myself.

I want her to know because she needs to hear it.

One of us needs to say something.

...fuck me.

I don't know what to say. I don't know what to write.

I did find a little of my anger this morning and wanted to be petty.

So I decided to use that anger to buckle down and use a liiiiiiiittle bit of my petty to give her a clue of what she can expect.

I don't care if that makes her run, I don't care if it makes her armor up.

I don't want to pick a fight either.

I just want to let her know what she can expect. And I also don't want to back out of this.

So I scheduled a text to go out tomorrow morning. It asks if she's still up to meet and tells her it shouldn't take very long.

The petty part of me wanted to say it should take about 15 minutes as a direct callback to the last meeting we had.

I think the text is firm but gentle enough.

And I decided to wear the shirt I wore when she stared at me that day I walked into the gym.

I don't get her but I do and I hate it here.

~

I kiiiiinda wanna masturbate but I know I'm gonna be fantasizing about her.

...gotdammit. I'm already not being fucked sideways, I'm not dating.

CAN I AT LEAST HAVE MY ORGARMS?!

For fuck sake.

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