sharing is shitty sometimes

As much as I enjoy sharing parts of my journey with people close to me, I also don't sometimes.

I have my work friend a rundown of gym yesterday sans me crying because I wanted to get her initial reaction. And she basically said 'yeah, this would be awkward. But it happens to everyone and she's older than you so she understands"

I don't like that. That makes me sound like a child and I am not a child. And it makes me feel silly, as if I conjured all this up and it's just me who's been in my feelings and gotten too attached on accident. As if I wasn't led on in the slightest.

And then my best friend got the whole of everything and I only shared it to lean into my vulnerability and she didn't know how to really help me. She earnestly tried but it also felt like I was being treated like a baby. "You know regret is normal. And you shouldn't feel bad." Yadda yadda.

And when I told her I was sad because the gym Christmas party is coming up and I was so excited to go and now I don't think I will because I really need to keep space between us. And she asked why I would sit it out and encouraged me to go. And I was like I cannot go to that. It's not gonna be good for me to go alone and have to be around her.

And then she said that I never know how things would work out between us in the future and how things could always change. And I get that, I want that. But it's not what I need to hear. I don't need to be this sad little puppy waiting by the door for her to want me back.

It's the entire reason I blocked her. To help curb my attachment and to keep her away from me.

I really need to work on figuring out who I can talk to in my low moments.

Because I don't like being pacified out of pity.

I also caught my Dom up on things this morning. I was keeping it from him on purpose and it wasn't right. But now he knows and we'll see what happens.

~

Also, that guy I had a crush on when I first moved here and that was overly nice and flirty with me is now divorcing his wife.

He's back to being very friendly with me again.

He'd moved offices before now and I haven't seen him again since. Until like a few months ago, I ran into as he was running out of his office to grab a prescription.

He was standoffish and seemed really sad. 

And then I saw him again like a month later at the office closer to me. He was leaving as I was coming and he gave me a side hug. I was jokingly asking if he was the one that parked crooked outside and he said yes lol. And we laughed. We never hug either. It was odd. And then he did the arm over my head thing and leaned over me as I was standing at the door. Odder. I'm sure I blushed and it really tickled me and then I made small talk and left.

Because, sir lol.

I saw him again today. He was in his office Halloween costume. It was cute lol. And he was happy again. He saw me as I was coming and he was going. He yelled my name from his truck and I said hey! And then he got out and gave me a full chest hug (*eyeball emojis*) And I complimented his costume. And he gave me a once over. And then told me to tell my work friend he said hi 

~

Just had a very vulnerable conversation with my work friend on the roof outside, similar to the one I had with my friend this past weekend and it was GREAT!

GREAT!

~

Also, apparently God is listening to my angry cry prayers lol. Shout out to Him. I know He always is but I have been really on the fence with Him about my direction lately.

And today my friend invited me to a Symphony show for tonight and then work has a few tickets for an event next month. 

Just like that, I get double for my trouble. My concert cancelled last night and was replaced by the Symphony. And me and that same friend are going to a hockey game next month. AND now a free work-but-not-work event!

I'm happy. Right now, I am happy.