day of additional therapy

I woke up nervous.

I'm off work today so I can take my car to the shop to price getting my heat fixed. I normally would be nervous about the price of that.

But this nervousness feels different. I don't know.

I am going to the gym today but only for a second. And then I'm immediately driving to therapy.

So I don't really know what I'm nervous about for sure.

In the back of my mind, it has something to do with her. But how? Why?

She's not going to message me from the gym number or Instagram page. And she's definitely not messaging me from her page.

I'm safe away from her. I highly doubt she has the balls to use her number. Especially after all that is this shit storm.

I also reread my diary entries about her last night. I really really tried to handle this well and I think I did a pretty decent job.

But that week of her flirting heavily seemed to really be the breaking point. And I wondered this before and rereading makes me wonder again if one of her gym friends told her girlfriend to come down that day. Because that day in the gym, she seemed to have no idea what to really do.

And she is seemingly always put together and prepared. But that day and the day after, she was anything but.

I do still have a soft spot for her but it's riddled with confusion now.

So I've fortified a decent wall to keep me secure.

~

Welp. 

It was only a little over $300 to fix my heat.

But I went ahead and selected some additional recommendations that have been brewing for a bit, declined some others and racked up a $1800 bill. 

Fuck.

Putting it on the credit card I am working on paying off which doesn't make me happy.

But I do have $600 of my Savings that I'm gonna throw at it. That way I get the points from the credit card and knock it down just a bit.

And I know my credit card is the only real debt I have besides my student loans, but fuck me. 

Shit.

~

Post-therapy clarity is a thing lol.

I still feel my feelings but I had to go in to check in and make sure I was taking care of myself and doing all the things to keep me on track. Moving forward.

And after explaining my last two weeks, my therapist affirmed me coming in was good. She also encouraged me as our session ended to call her or my EMDR therapist if the tears come and don't stop. If they feel unmanageable, reach out. 

And she also patted me on the back in the way I have been checking in with myself, taking care of myself, and riding the waves of my emotions.

We talked about managing my expectations of people and situations. What to do and how it looks for me. And she affirmed my emotional state for the past two weeks and helped me a lot with how to move forward and how I did well during the process of disregulation to re-regulating. 

She also validated my post nail salon panic. She confirmed that the action of putting myself first, acknowledging what I wanted, and verbalizing it to get it done was a big accomplishment. So much so that it would, in fact, trigger my nervous system into panic mode because it's used to one thing and not the other.

She acknowledged the big steps I've taken with gym girl-- from finally giving her responsibility in this situation instead of leaving me to be solely at fault, muting her and the gym, and then blocking her.

And I told her how I've been feeling less stuck in doing so. And how as beautiful as the experience was I'm still not happy with where I am and how it ends.

And she affirmed those dualing emotions.

And as I was leaving, I saw a janitor in a closet I didn't even know existed.

As I spoke to him and he spoke to me as if he knew me lol. And now that I type that, in his head he does lol.

Anyways, I spoke to him, teary eyed and all lol.

He stopped me and talked to me for a bit. He wasn't rude. Just want to preface the next part of this because I don't remember specifics and it may sound odder than it was. It was a natural conversation progression. His English was just good enough, also. No shade, shout out to him. I know that must be challenging sometimes.

He asked what I come in for because he sees me every week. And in my head I was like, first of all, it's every two weeks sir lolol. And I told him therapy. And he asked if I had problems in my life. And I thought about it for a second and told him it's more of trying to work on my childhood things and work them into my now things. And he said he understood. And he talked a bit of general talk and then asked if I was married or anything and I said no. And then he said something else. And then asked me what my name was. I told him my full name instead of my nickname. And then told me his name and shook my hand. And we both said it was nice to meet each other and he said he'd see me next week. Rotfl

It was really sweet and unexpected and just what I needed in that moment.

For a stranger to tell me he sees me and has seen me regularly lol. I know it sounds creepy when I put it like that, but it really wasn't. I swear.

But I just never see anyone in that building ever. I know there are other offices and stuff but I never see other people working.

So he's probably seen me in various states lol.

I don't know. It was a small gesture and very sweet.

It reminded me of how small human connection is so profound when you are fully present when you're sharing a moment with another person.

And I know I go back and forth on having the conversation with her. And I know it's only because I really want to. I don't want things to be like this between us. I mean, we cannot be friends and I'll keep her blocked to mostly help her. She told me once that she was obsessed with her ex. And I know what that's like to be wrapped around someone and not be able to shake them loose.

And I do like her. I think she's a great person. 

But the same way I don't want things to go south, I'm certain she doesn't either. So we're both avoiding the inevitable to try and avoid conflict that may cause hurt.

But if I trusted her and she trusted me, I think we can both trust each other to talk and wrap things up the right way.

I don't know. We'll see.