coming face to face

It's Friday now. It was Friday two orgasms ago lo (see the last entry).

I had a hard time going back to sleep. I just kept thinking about her and kept trying to not think about her.

But yesterday reminded me of brunch, when I was smiling at my phone and she clocked it and called me to attention by pulling me into conversation.

I don't know what she's doing. I don't know what she wants.

She didn't choose me. She has a girlfriend. 

Like, we both know what's happening here. But also, what is happening here?

Why is she so pressed? From where I'm standing,...

I can't. I can't even fathom any of this.

I was taken back yesterday.

~

Well, we're probably gonna talk on Monday.

I passed by the gym on my way back from the bank today and didn't see her car. So I was like 'cool, she's not even there today'

And then I got ready to go to the gym at 5pm and I got nervous again. 

And then I pulled in to the parking lot and saw her car.

As I was walking into the gym, a guy friend I've made opened the door for me as I was coming up lol. It broke my nervousness to laugh and thank him.

Then I heard her on the microphone, teaching class. And I was like fuck, shit ohmygah. She is really boxing me in.

So I went to the bathroom, changed, and was just blabbering trying to calm my nerves. I was literally shaking.

I finished, sat down on the couch and was antsy until 20 minutes before class. That's when I go and sit on the floor and watch the class before me do the workout.

I didn't want to because I knew she was in there and I thought for sure she was going to grill me or walk right up to me and say what she needed to.

But she didn't. She actually avoided even looking my direction for a very long time. And it doesn't sting or hurt my feelings because in that instance, she wasn't hiding me. She was hiding, just prolonging the inevitable. She still had a class to teach so I'm sure she didn't want me to distract her. I mean, she was walking back and forth across the gym and I was the only other person in the open gym waiting and she didn't say a word.

And I was a squirming mess on the floor. But my lifting friend either noticed or just had perfect timing. Gym girl was standing next to her and she went out of her way to step out of her square and lean over to wave me down. I looked up and spoke and waved. 

Gym girl didn't even flinch.

About 5 minutes or so before class ended, she was closer to where I was with her back to me. She turned around and made some awkward motion and said something that was friendly but wasn't hello. I smiled and spoke back.

Meanwhile, I was just counting down the moment until she approached me.

And then another guy walked in and she immediately spoke to him on the mic...

And then class ended and they went out on a walk. And then 2 more girls showed up, one of my friends and a new girl.

Once they came back from their walk, the class stretched and gym girl glanced my direction a few times and then she would look at my friend that setting up to work out next to me. We were talking on and off about nothing.

But I was smiling. And gym girl came over after stretching was done and spoke to my friend nervously. And looked at me and smiled and I smiled back and then she made herself busy with class.

And then before class began, I could hear her off to my right. I prepped my bike and hopped on to move my body and waste some time.

And the gym girl made her rounds, leaving me last.

She nervously walked up to me with fear on her face. And she spoke to me.

How she went from upset yesterday to nervous today matches the confusion I've felt.

And I spoke to her-- by name. I have never said her name out loud to her. Ever. And that got her attention.

We kind of nervously stared at each other, smiling and I think she prompted me with a 'what's up ____' 

And I did it. I looked her in the eyes and said we should probably talk.

(Fuck me, oh my God. I did it. Step one is complete.)

And she broke a little bit and I immediately clocked it. She looked sad and nervous and that made me sad.

She asked if it was about anything bad and my idiot turned right on like clockwork.

I'm a horrible liar. Also, why would that be her immediate response? Because I know I looked nervous but I was smiling.

I had no more words. I was was just shaking my head but also tucked my neck in and my voice got pitchy and I was just making doubtful noises. (ohmygah ohmygah ohmygah I'm such an idiot lol).

And she clocked that. And she asked if I was ok. And I said yes. And then she turned on her coach and asked if I was still doing the work. And she said good, as she kind of backed away. And she looked nervous again.

(God, this is gonna be hard I think a little. Fuck.)

And she said we can talk. She should be around Monday, just let her know.

And then she came around again and started talking to me. She opened her hand and showed me what she found as they were walking-- a bullet. (And also, as I'm typing this 'maam you've been holding on to that bullet since you came back in') She said she found that and a condom and made another joke and left.

And juuuuust in case I wasn't sure that she was nervous, she hung around class for a very long time. She started straightening things up by herself.

I have never seen her do that.

And it was obvious to me what was going on. She was wandering around the gym endlessly, from the time class started up until just before the second half of class began. 

As she was putting boxes up while we stretched, she made a joke in passing as she was coming up beside me. I asked her what she said and she repeated her corny joke with an awkward smile.

You beautiful, idiot. God, Almighty.

She put up boxes, set the gym up for the morning I'm assuming. And then she went outside and picked up trash from the ground. (When we went for all walk after class, I noticed all the trash wasn't picked up... Just some of it.)

And then I would see her silhouette walking back and forth for a while. At one point I swear I saw her just fidgeting around with the rowers.

And then she disappeared after a while. 

After we finished our walk, she came back into the space and kind of just walked around. And the coach kind of asked her my question but not really. And she answered him and he continued to make announcements.

She stayed on one side of the gym and I stayed on the other. I said bye to my gym friend and tried to slowly disappear because I got nervous.

I grabbed my things, fixed my hair, and was able to leave without seeing her.

She knows. 

So, she's nervous. And honestly, same. 

Honestly, same.

And I'm sure it's killing her that she can't gauge me online or reach out to me online. That's partially why I blocked her. It is so easy to hear from her or look at her and feel completely undone. 

I feel so wrapped up in her, she feels like she's caught with me. We cannot be friends. 

Our actions in the past few months say that we both know that. We just ironically haven't talked. Even though talking to her is so easy because I know this will be so hard. And so does she.

That's why she immediately turned on her coach yesterday while we were talking. 

Don't do that. Just be honest.

I don't want this for us but I can't just be her friend and she isn't gonna choose me.

So I have to let this connection go and it guts me.

And I no longer know what to really expect so I don't know what to really fear either.

But the amount of pissed she was yesterday and the amount of nervous she was today was telling.

God I'm gonna miss her.

And I don't know what we're gonna do about the tension between us.

But space is good for us if we're not going to truly be together.

~

I think I've fallen for her. I think she likes me. And I know friendship will never be enough for either of us, no matter what she tells herself.

We're too good for each other and that's the problem.

~

I wonder what will become of us.

A part of me still hopes this isn't the end of us.

But bigger part of me has accepted that this very well might be.

~

I wonder if this bothers her as much as it has bothered me. 

Has me blocking her only confirmed what we've both been feeling?

I really hope she makes things easy for me.