i think I poked the bear

I accidentally poked the bear today.

Well two days ago really.

I don't know what to really say about it.

Here's what happened:

So I blocked gym girl two days ago because I was hurt and angry and didn't want to message her just because of it. And we need more space between us. And also, being on her page made me cry. So I blocked her. 

And...so today I was really really nervous about going to the gym. Which was weird because I'd literally ran in and out just yesterday and was fine.

But today I was nervous and I kept thinking I was going to see her today. Which was dumb because I hadn't seen her in months at the gym. And what were the chances she'd be there.

I was very convinced that she wouldn't even bring up the fact that I blocked her and so that's why I did it.

I was semi-wrong and right.

I walked into the gym and she was sitting at the front desk. My immediate thought: fuck, I'm in trouble. I hadn't seen her in forever and for her to be sitting at the front desk was shocking and very telling.

Luckily, a member was starting to talk to her at the front desk as I was walking in.

And our eyes met and she did not look happy. 

She spoke to me by name and I spoke back as I passed her.

Then I went and put my stuff down. Her friend complimented my outfit and I chit chatted with her for a hot minute and then I went to change.

I took my time because I was nervous. So I was changing and pumping myself up and calming myself down. I peed, wiped up, washed my hands, grabbed my headband and opened the door. 

To her-- standing off to my left with a member.

I didn't see her immediately but I knew someone was near so I turned to look and there she was. It literally startled me.

I jumped and she spoke to me again by name. And made a joke about how she and him were gonna be waiting to greet me as I come out of the bathroom now.

And I sort of laughed it off and was like fuck, she is really mad.

I put my bag down and started working out. And I could hear her for majority of my 20 minute workout. I had my back to her but she was talking and hopefully just watching the new coach practice in class. But I don't think she had to be right in front of the bathroom to do that.

And then she left out. I waited for a bit and then made my way outside to walk for a while. And I really thought she might meet me out there and force a conversation out of me.

But she didn't.

I came back in and she wasn't in either gym area. So I sat down and stretched. 

Then I went into the bathroom to wash my hands before leaving. 

As I made my way out of the bathroom, she was heading into the main gym moving equipment.

And so I scurried off behind her to grab my things. And as I was leaving out, I clocked her back to me while she was on the opposite side of the main gym and I left.

Uhm...I didn't think she would mention me blocking her and I really never imagined she'd even be upset about it.

But also, her seemingly cornering me really turned me on. I had to actively tell myself to stand down. This is not the time to be horny. We are nervous, not horny.

But also, it did turn me on. And the thought of her cornering me does turn me on.

And I know why and I also know it's best if it doesn't. But I can't control that reaction and I don't know what to do.

I was and have been at a lost for words. I don't even know what to think.

I thought blocking her was me taking my power back. I didn't think it would hurt her. I didn't think she'd be mad about it. And I really didn't think she would show her face before the competition on Saturday. I thought that's all I had to worry about. I just had to make it through seeing her on Saturday and then she'd disappear again.

I don't think that's gonna happen. I can't even guess anymore.

...uhm, yeah.

I am gonna masturbate though. Because I'm still turned on and haven't been in a very long time and I need at least one orgasm. Maybe two.

This is the first time I haven't cried on the drive home. I just felt stuck. Not in a bad way, just in a well this wasn't a part of my plan way.

I've reminded myself all day to manage my expectations and this was not one of them.

Her energy said she wanted answers and she just might press me for them.

Understandable. But also unexpected.

~

Two.

Very hard and strong. And number two was long. I haven't been that close to squirting in a long fucking time

And I'm still on edge.

Fuck. This is why we need space between us.

~

And one more.

~

 

And one last one.