competition day

Welp.

I'm up and have been up for hours now. So I'm brushing my teeth and getting ready for the Halloween competition today. 

Am I nervous? Yes. Mostly about gym girl. 

I think the competition will be fine.

~

Just pulled up. Sitting in the car. Shaking from nerves but also, it's cold. 

Ok. Here we go.

~

Welp. I'm inside.

And she's already found time to come and make funnies at me. Could be a coincidence because she was also plugging in fans.

I also tried to make a funny back and it did not land.

The idiot is strong with this one.

~

I am not ok. Didn't even last 10 minutes after the workout.

I called my best friend to catch up from yesterday. Right when I was getting to the awkward parts she stopped me because she was on the clock. Which is fair. Not mad at it.

She told me she'd call me on her break. We hung up. And then the tears started.

And the ugly crying came soon after.

And it's been slowly off and on. I'll soothe myself. Take a mental break. And then tears. And then ugly crying.

Right now, I'm kneeling at my bed, breathing through the tears as they flow.

I know I can do this-- I can have the conversation. But I don't want to. I don't want to lose her. But I basically already have. This will just be a firm line in the sand. For me.

The competition was great.

I pulled up to the gym and there she was-- standing in the bay door. One coach to either side of her and she was dressed like an avocado.

I took a second to blog in my car and then I got out.

I walked to the bay doors and spoke. My coach friend who likes to get loud with me did and it made me smile so big and laugh lol. Gym girl spoke and asked if I was here for the 8am. And I said yes, meekly. The guy coach (who is so cute and has the best voice lol) said well she's here but it doesn't look like she's awake. And I laughed again and said no

I plopped in the couch and balled into myself, scrolling online to slowly regulate myself.

And in came gym girl.

I didn't know it was her but I looked up because someone was walking in so I was going to speak. I spoke and then she said hey and laughed and said something about me not looking ready. It was funny but I don't remember exactly what she said.

She started plugging in fans as if it wasn't still cold outside. (It was gonna get hot later though and the cold barely counts when you're working out.) And that's when she made the comment about how she was a rotten avocado and I said it looks great or something. And she said she didn't know if she could show us how to lift with the costume on. And as she was leaving I said it's fine, I hit my boobs all the time.

And then my partner came. And we started getting ready. She said she didn't think that many people were coming and I was like good because I'm nervous lol.

And then my coach friend invited us into the gym. We talked and laughed with her for a minute, meanwhile gym girl was just floating in the background like she wanted to talk to us.

After a few minutes she found a time to jump in the conversation and apologized to us about the gym all and how she couldn't tell how many people were going to be here and we were both like that's fine.  She  talked options, we decided to stay and then class started. Or competition rather.

It was actually fun. Scary but fun.

Gym girl is a tough teacher and I enjoy it as much as I hate it lol.

I had no idea how to do across the floors. So I embarrassingly struggled through all those bad boys. She made small talk with me during and coached me on and off on form. 

Then she gave us the rundown and I tried to ignore eye contact as long as possible. And then it was too much work so I just met her eyes. And they just stared at me. 

I will say, she didn't mess up today. So she's definitely over me. *insert sarcastic laughter*

And then we did the comp.

She was watching, instructing, coaching, congratulating, checking in. She did fumble during her instructing exactly how she said she would. Her avocado seed got in the way a few times. It was fun.

She joked and we laughed alot. Because she's great. Me and my partner were M&Ms so during the warmup, she asked if M&M's came in that color lol. I was breathing heavy and smiled and said I have no idea lol. And then during the lifting practice, I blanked on what we were supposed to be doing. And I thought she was watching from the corner of my eye but I couldn't tell. And she was and she clocked me freezing up and said I'm not gonna look and covered her face. And I looked over and laughed and said yes please. Don't look. And then during the actual workout, she watched me (not uncommon) do a power clean. She complimented me (not uncommon) but then she joked and said my favorite part of that is your shimmy and she shook her body lol. And I laughed embarrassingly because I had no idea I did that. At one point, my body was facing her and my head was down but I noticed she was standing off to the side and everyone else was preoccupied. And I could feel her looking at me. So I gave it a minute, and I looked up. And she joked about how she wanted to headbang to the music that was playing. And she comically did it and I laughed.

(Ohmygah do I have a type?! Her and my last Dom have a lot in common. Former military, both water-based (he was navy, she was Marine), likes rock/metal-ish music... Imma think about that for a minute)

My partner was the best! I'm really really happy I did it. I told her I was happy she asked me and I wouldn't have done it without her. She was jovial, like me. She politely pushed me, was supportive, and she was kicking ass. 

I was all smalls except when I was wearing myself slap out. My glasses sweated off my face several times. It was great.

Oh! And people loved our shirts and were very surprised I'd made them.

It was really really fun.

So my tears were a mixture of happiness and sadness.

Happiness because I had so much fun. And sadness because I'm gonna be losing the easiest friend I've ever made in my life.

aaaaaand cue my tears.

I have to do this though. I have to.

I keep imagining her putting me off or placating me or pitying me. And it sucks but I'll be fine. And if I'm not, I know how to take care of myself.

I'm gonna skip class and go see a movie and eat a quesadilla. And maybe have a margarita.

My work friend doesn't know we are gonna have the conversation. But she does know about her odd behavior on Thursday. She said what if she starts coming after you harder.

I don't think that's gonna happen. Would I love it? Only if coming after me harder looked like asking me out. Anything else would just keep stringing me along.

And a small part of me cried because what if it's just me. What if I'm about to ruin something so great and easy because of overthinking?

But I also know I have 3 friends and 2 therapists that would say otherwise.

And even if it is just me, that's still reason enough.

I'm now about to keep getting close to her if I can never get as close as I'd like.

What she does with that is up to her. 

But I do know I'd like to start things like this:

I'm sure by now you've noticed I blocked you on Instagram... I don't think we should be friends anymore

*Insert space for tears that may or may not come*

I like you-- alot. So getting any closer to you isn't ideal for me right now. I just need some emotional space.

~

I want to remind myself that my perspective doesn't make me crazy, setting boundaries from my perspective is the healthiest thing for me, and I can feel my emotions and take care of myself.

I can do what's in my best interest.

~

And now I am on the toilet, peeing and journaling before my nail appointment.

I ate breakfast after I finished crying and drank my protein lemonade. 

And my favorite podcast has been on a break but they filmed a crossover podcast that was posted yesterday. So I watched that while I played video games.

I feel better. I remember moments where interacting with gym girl felt flirty and fun and natural.

I remember why I think she likes me. And really, that's the only reason we can't be friends. Not blaming her but I never thought in a million years she'd be slightly interested in me at all.

I did check her out today while she was giving us instructions. Hard.

Like I looked at her hands for a ring, looked at her nose ring, checked out her little green studs she had in, did a quick height comparison again lol.

Fuck, man. 

~

I'm remembering my EMDR therapist referred to our tension as an undercurrent.

~

I also keep reminding myself that we're already no longer friends. We've been avoiding each other, she's made it her job to avoid me. 

We're no longer friends. We're just friendly.

This conversation is just making that clear.

Something either of us shoulda/coulda had the conversation sooner but haven't.